“The Siege” Theatrical Poster
Director: Brad Watson
Cast: Daniel Stisen, Lauren Okadigbo, Yennis Cheung, Byron Gibson, Phillip Ray Tommy
Running Time: 87 min.
By Henry McKeand
At one point in this year’s The Siege, the hitman protagonist played by Norwegian bodybuilding champion Daniel Stisen says those three magic words:
“I’ll be back.”
If you’re not already reminded of Arnold when you see Stisen’s hulking frame tearing through baddies, this line ensures that you make the connection. Like all strongmen who have made a go at action stardom in the past four decades, he has a big pair of Austrian shoes to fill. His previous leading man attempt, 2021’s testosterone-fest Last Man Down, was an 80s throwback in more ways than one, but a humorless “COVID apocalypse” tone (and a million other things) made it a far cry from the Schwarzenegger classics of yesteryear. In this age of detached irony, it’s refreshing to see an action hero who isn’t a snarky quip machine, but Last Man Down was practically lifeless. Thankfully, The Siege is smart enough to inject a dose of excitement and Dad Movie humor into its by-the-numbers assassin story.
Stisen plays a self-proclaimed nobody who makes a living dispatching high-profile targets. When his face is seen during a routine job, he’s forced to go to an “identity reassignment facility” so he can receive a new name (the generic “Walker”). This is apparently such a common occurrence for him that he’s on a first-name basis with the staff, which makes you wonder if he’s really so good at his job. Regardless, another killer-for-hire named Elda (Lauren Okadigbo) knows him by reputation the moment they meet at the facility, and it’s not long before mercenaries attack and she needs his help to protect the target of the assault: a pregnant woman named Juliet (Yennis Cheung).
It’s funny to imagine Stisen, a slab of twitching muscle with a mountain man beard, trying to change his identity to become more anonymous. His Walker is an assassin the same way Arnold was an “American Sheriff” in Raw Deal. He looks like he’d be most useful if you ever needed someone taken out at an arm-wrestling competition, but his lack of visual subtlety is what makes him fun to watch on screen. These jacked-up tough guys once dominated a corner of the video store, so it’s nice to see this kind of angry mass back at the center of an action flick.
Adding to Stisen’s “oh-my-God-is-this-guy-real?” appeal are his stoic expressions and almost impossibly gravelly voice, which were used in Last Man Down to make him as gruff as possible. The Siege may not let Walker do too much emoting, but the script by Nicole Bartlett and Tom Paton at least gives him a chance to roll his eyes or crack a smile a few times. He has a nice rapport with the facility staff, and Michael Geary especially stands out as Smithee, an awkward doctor who adds some cornball levity to the proceedings. Okadigbo and Cheung are both solid in their relatively bland roles, and together with Stisen they make a solid little trio. The character work is a little like the pistol that he brandishes for so much of the movie: it’s not special, but it’ll get the job done.
But…why did it need to be a pistol? The Siege commits the cardinal sin of showing you an arsenal full of heavy machinery and then barely using any of it. Here is a leading man who’s practically begging to pick up massive shotguns and rip turrets from the ground, but he’s stuck with what looks like a peashooter for most of the runtime. Even worse, the gunplay is more of what’s been dominating recently: faux-tactical choreography with digital muzzle flashes in dark hallways. Limp after-effects mean that the shots themselves are never as muscular as the man pulling the trigger.
For another movie, this might be a superficial complaint, but weighty combat is the reason you decide to watch a movie with this guy on the poster. Last Man Down may have had its faults (again, there were millions), but it had the decency to give him axes and chunky machine guns, and the blood effects there were more practical and visceral than you’d expect.
This is maybe the only way that The Siege is inferior to Stisen’s last effort. These unfortunate shortcomings are evened out by director Brad Watson’s steady hand behind the camera. It’s not a visual feast, but Watson understands lighting and composition better than many starting-out action filmmakers. There are even some moments here that feel (gasp!) storyboarded, and one sequence using shadows to depict a violent takedown is impressive.
But above anything else, it’s the pacing that makes the movie work. At 87 minutes, it respects its audience’s time. The setup is snappy, putting all of the necessary pieces together in less than half an hour; I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that the baddies were actually going to storm the building as early as they did. It moves between set pieces without getting bogged down by any unnecessary plot baggage. Plus, the title isn’t false advertising: it’s part of the long tradition of B-or-less-movies that borrow from Assault on Precinct 13’s timeless setup, and it keeps the focus on the action.
Let’s return to where we started. After saying “I’ll be back,” Stisen pauses and finishes the sentence with the slightly less exciting “…in two minutes.” Maybe there’s a reason why The Terminator didn’t specify exactly how long he’d take. In a way, this sums up The Siege. It will make you think of great films you’ve already seen, but it can’t help but disappoint in the end. And that’s okay! Very few movies can hit that bar, but there’s still fun to be had.
It’s not very good, but it’s miles above whatever Last Man Down was doing. Stisen’s showing growth, and that’s all that matters in the end. Here’s to hoping that he really will be back…just in something more worthy of his training regimen.
Henry McKeand’s Rating: 5/10
