Condemned, The (1976) Review

Posted on January 26, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Condemned" Chinese DVD Cover

“The Condemned” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: David Chiang
Cast: David Chiang, Lily Li Li-Li, Choi Wang (Tsai Hung), Pai Ying, Guk Fung (Ku Feng), Woo Gam, Kong Yeung, Lee Hoi Sang, Chan Shen, Keung Hon, Shum Lo, Wong Ching, Yuen Sam, Robert Tai, Shih Ting Ken, Poon Cheung Ming, Gam Man Hei, Yen Shi-Kwan
Running Time: 102 min.

By Mighty Peking Man

Obviously, the folks at Celestial (the company who released this DVD) decided to write the plot without even watching the movie first. Check out the description off the DVD case:

“In the film, Chiang plays a righteous character who helps an unjustly imprisoned swordsman accused of stealing. Together they break out of prison and serve notice to all the evil men in their lives that a new deadly duo is in town.“

Well, it’s half right. They do break out of prison to get revenge. And yes, David Chiang does play a righteous character who helps an unjustly imprisoned character, only, the character (played by Tsai Hung) is not a swordsman, he’s a straight up kung fu fighter (totally swordless!); and he wasn’t accused of stealing, he was thrown into prison because he was blamed for murder. Also, the thief they’re talking about is actually Chiang himself, not Tsai Hung’s character.

Anyways, not really important, but I thought I’d point that out since some of us like to watch films based on plot.

After watching The Condemned and David Chiang’s other directorial project, The Drug Addict (which I rated a 4/10), it’s pretty safe to say that the guy definitely belongs in front of the camera. In this case, he not only directs The Condemed, but also stars in it, along with Tsai Hung.

Bascially, The Condemned is shitty and decent at the same time.

Much of the film is draggy, uninteresting and almost feels like you’re watching a non-Shaw Brothers generic kung fu flick (not to say that all Shaw flicks are good…). Even David Chiang’s performance is sorta half-assed. I mean, we still get that David Chiang charm, but here, his performance seems a tad less magnetic – let’s put it this way, Chang Cheh gets a better performance out of the guy.

In addition to David Chiang, Chan Shen, Pai Ying, Ku Feng and Lily Li, we are introduced to Tsai Hung’s character, the second half of the duo. I don’t know much about the actor, since I’ve I’ve only seen him in a couple of other titles (and he usually plays a bad guy), but I can tell you this much: he has as much charasima as a bowl of corn flakes. He looks like a lizard and has some of the worst facial expressions I’ve ever seen; but on the other side of the coin, he’s one hell of a bad ass. And you’ll know why David Chiang picked him to begin with once you’re a little more than half way through the movie…

And this is where The Condemned gets decent. It nearly becomes a Bruceploitation movie with the way Tsai Hung takes on the bad guys with his Bruce Lee-style fighting moves: Fights are direct and solid, guys are falling to the ground from a single punch or kick, etc. Meanwhile, snippets from Lalo Schifrin’s Enter The Dragon score are playing in the background (either that, or a soundtrack that sounds very similar in style).

One thing I really dug was the cool visual effects which suddenly appear out of nowhere. At one point, blood literally drips (not splashes) down from the camera lense. Also, not sure if this is the first film to so, but there are a couple of bone-cracking special effects (ie Romeo Must Die) that are both effective and cheesy.

Basically, if you can sit through most of the movie, you’ll be kindly rewarded with the kung fu action towards the film’s last third. It gets violent, bloody and even catches you by surprise with some of its cruelty.

All in all, not bad. Not good. Like I said, it’s shitty and decent at the same time. I can think of hundreds of kung fu films to watch before recommending this one…

Mighty Peking Man’s Rating: 5/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews, Shaw Brothers | Tagged , , , , , , , , |

Human Lanterns | aka Human Skin Lanterns (1982) Review

Posted on January 26, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Human Lanterns" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“Human Lanterns” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Sun Chung
Cast: Lau Wing, Lo Lieh, Chen Kuan Tai, Tien Ni, Sun Chien, Choh Seung Wan, Lam Sau Kwan, Lo Meng, Ngaai Fei, Siu Yam Yam, Erik Chan, Cheng Miu, Cheung Chok Chow, Fung King Man, Ha Ping, Hon Lai Fan, Lam Chi Tai
Running Time: 95 min.

By Mighty Peking Man

Long before Anthony Wong was serving human Chinese “pork” buns in Untold Story (1993), Lo Lieh was kidnapping woman and making beautiful Chinese lanterns out of their freshly peeled human skin.

One thing I like about Human Lanterns is that it’s straight forward and crystal clear. It’s almost as if Suen Chung puts himself in the viewers’ shoes when he’s planning his storytelling process. The characters are well thought out with a flash of differentiation (Lau Wing and Chen Kuan Tai have a great chemistry). There’s mystery, but no real twisty secrets that many films rely on. Everything is pretty much in-your-face with no bullshit attached.

Human Lanterns has a fine balance of well-choreographed martial arts, a hint of horror and a pleasant amount of gore. As you’d probably expect, action is still the main showcase of the movie. With a title like Human Lanterns, you’d expect a lot of explicit imagery; there is, but not a whole lot, but as long as you’re expecting a “kung fu movie” first, you’ll be pleased if you’re hunting for a dose of shock value.

I wonder how this flick would turn out in the brutality department if someone like Chang Cheh directed it (I have a feeling the guy would go nuts over the blood and gore), but as it stands, Suen Chung did a great job as is and any drastic change would only lesson the film’s appeal.

Human Lanterns is my first and only venture into the films of Suen Chung. Judging from what I saw here, I wouldn’t mind checking out more of his work.

Look for memorable guest appearances by Venoms Lo Meng (as a contract killer) and Sun Chien (as a cop).

Mighty Peking Man’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews, Shaw Brothers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , |

Sanjuro (1962) Review

Posted on January 25, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Sanjuro" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Sanjuro” Japanese Theatrical Poster

Director: Akira Kurosawa
Writer: Ryuzo Kikushima, Akira Kurosawa
Cast: Toshiro Mifune, Tatsuya Nakadai, Keiju Kobayashi, Yuzo Kayama, Reiko Dan, Akihiko Hirata, Takashi Shimura, Kamatari Fujiwara, Takako Irie, Masao Shimizu
Running Time: 96 min.

By Mairosu

After Yojimbo proved to be a huge commercial hit, messrs Kurosawa and Mifune teamed up for another humorous caper about the wisecracking nameless ronin, and this time with equal success. Sanjuro is admittedly more light-hearted and has more action than the faux-serious Yojimbo, and those characteristics, along with the short running time, make it probably the best Kurosawa film for the newcomers to his oeuvre.

This time, our reluctant hero – the scruffy ronin who likes to call himself “Sanjuro” (Mifune) with a random plant serving as his family name (in Yojimbo he’s Sanjuro Mullberry (Kuwabatake), here he’s Sanjuro Camelia (Tsubake) – is getting busy helping some young samurai solve a case of a corrupt superintendent and a loyal chamberlain (for the speaking impaired of you, “chamberlain” means “high ranking court official”). The superintendent has taken the chamberlain captive as a result of one youngster’s faux pas, and is just about ready to send in his troops to finish off the young bucks, but – but – there comes Sanjuro to the rescue. Literally out of the blue, Sanjuro joins the fray and first brainstorms a way out, then fends off all the guards and then gets fully involved in the rescue plot.

This time, unlike in Hidden Fortress, it is high adventure. I found Sanjuro much more pleasing on a pure arcade level, as the film is filled with wisecracks and action sequences (which are on a better level than in Yojimbo, and you even hear the swordplay sound effects here and there). Again, director abandons his habit of implementing social commentary throughout the film and just concentrates on the fun ride that this film proved to be. The only social note might be that again, individual thinks better than a group, but that’s nothing which is too purposely hammered into your head. There is however a hilarious element to the whole story, and that is the appearance and the dialogue of Chamberlain’s wife and daughter, who are a total contrast from the usual “damsel in distress” – the old lady is pretty calm and composed throughout the whole of film, and still manages to dispense some pearls of wisdom to Sanjuro such as “killing is a very bad habit”. The funniest moment is when Sanjuro is supposed to give a sign to the rest of the samurai by sending white camellias down the stream – when that happens, everyone jumps alert at the good guys’ stronghold, while the women just charmingly react with “oooh, how nice !” (referring to the bunch of camellias floating down the stream).

There is an interesting debate going on about the time period in which Sanjuro is set. Most people have noticed that, unlike Yojimbo, Sanjuro is set in a more serene and socially stable period – which can be observed on the garments of the protagonists. So, basically, what we have here is the same character – of same age, “thirty, going to forty” – in a time period two decades prior to Yojimbo. Someone at IMDB pitched the idea that Sanjuro is actually just a roaming folk hero and a protective spirit, who intervenes whenever something goes awry, and that sounds like the most likely solution one could subscribe to. Unless you think that Mifunes grow on a tree in Japan, which again, might not be that unlikely.

I’ll have to warn the potential viewers about the bloody final duel which occurs between Mifune and Tatsuya Nakadai, who just like in Yojimbo reprises the role of the main villain (this time much less flamboyant and without a firearm). Two of them engage in a very brief duel on a plain minutes before the ending credits, and you’re advised not to even blink when they assume their fighting positions – if you’re not careful, the shot might breeze by you and you might miss one of the greatest climaxes in the Japanese contemporary cinema (a subjective opinion obviously), right up there with the arrow salvo of Throne of Blood and Watanabe’s last breath in Ikiru.

So, so far, I saw six Kurosawa films in seven days, and the top list can be ranked like this as of now:

1. Ikiru
2. Throne of Blood
3. Sanjuro
4. Yojimbo
5. Stray Dog
6. Hidden Fortress

And to think that all six are actually quality work. I have nothing against Hidden Fortress really, it’s a classy film in its own right and I gave it three stars, but I liked Sanjuro, Yojimbo and Stray Dog just a shade better. Well, in all honesty, I like Sanjuro a few shades better than Yojimbo, Stray Dog and Hidden Fortress, hence…

Mairosu’s Rating: 8.5/10

Posted in All, Japanese, News, Reviews | Tagged , |

Killer Meteors, The (1977) Review

Posted on January 25, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Killer Meteors" Japanese DVD Cover

“The Killer Meteors” Japanese DVD Cover

Director: Lo Wei
Cast: Jackie Chan, Jimmy Wang Yu, Philip Ko Fei, Lee Man Tai, Chan Wai Lau, Man Man, Ma Kei, Tung Lam, Sit Hon, Lily Lan Yu Li, Chan Sam Lam, Ching Kuo Chung
Running Time: 91 min.

By Numskull

Easily one of the five worst movies that Jackie Chan has appeared in, and what a surprise that the Anti-Christ himself, Jimmy Wang Fuck Yu, is involved. Granted, he wasn’t yet the benevolent, sanctuary-granting angel that he was when Island of Fire was made, but still, the mere sight of this man on-screen is enough to send waves of negative psychic energy from the TV screen and into your living room. It won’t do anything as bland and trite as levitate your bed or bang your pots and pans… oh no, it will give your pets rabies, drive pre-adolescent children mad with horrific hallucinations, and generally fuck your shit up. You have been warned. Anyway, here are…

10 things I would almost rather do instead of watching Killer Meteors: 

  1. Parade through Harlem with a Nazi flag
  2. Watch a porno movie with Roseanne Barr performing sordid sexual acts upon a helpless killer whale
  3. Trade places with the guy who gets trapped in the room with the poison gas in the beginning of The Rock.
  4. Be buried chin-deep in bloody stool and then go for a swim in shark-infested waters
  5. Implant my consciousness into the body of a hamster being presented to Richard Gere
  6. Hire a blind acupuncture therapist to neutralize a pain in my scrotum
  7. Sodomize a llama
  8. Undergo two decades of martial arts training and then leave my career in the hands of Robert Clouse
  9. Watch “Fantasy Mission Farce”
  10. Get anally raped by Jimmy Wang Yu

P.S. Sodomy is funny (^_^)

Numskull’s Rating: 1/10

 

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , |

Master with Cracked Fingers | aka Snake Fist Fighter (1974) Review

Posted on January 25, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Master with Cracked Fingers" American Theatrical Poster

“Master with Cracked Fingers” American Theatrical Poster

AKA: Cub Tiger From Kwan Tung
Director: Ngai Hoi Fung
Cast: Jackie Chan, Tien Feng, Shu Pei Pei, Hon Gwok Choi, Chen Hung Lieh, Kwan Chung, Gam Gwan, Shut-Ma Wa Lung, Ma Kim Tong, Wong Mei, Alan Chan, Chiang Kam, Chin Yuet Sang, Gam Lau, Kwan Yung Moon, Mars, Dean Shek Tien, Yuen Biao, Simon Yuen, Yuen Yat Chor
Running Time: 79 min.

By Numskull

This sorry excuse for a kung fu movie is a veritable treasure trove of unintentionally funny bits and dialogue snippets (much like New Fist of Fury, with its gems like “I hate the Japs!” and “The Japanese are the best!”). Most amusing is the guy who lays Jackie’s surrogate father, who would rather have his own daughter get raped than have Jackie lift a finger in her defense. Just imagine if this were re-dubbed to portray Jackie and his pop and sis (pallindromes!) as stereotypical backwoods types:

PAW: Now son, the Sherriff dun tole me that you been gittin’ into trouble again, pickin’ fights all ovah creation.

SON: But paw, them polecats was settin’ ta VI-O-late dear ole sis. That just ain’t the Lord’s way, paw. Ain’t nobody supposed to be settin’ their hands on her, ‘cept fer you an’ me of course cuz we is her kin.

PAW: Don’t you be givin’ yer paw no back-talk. I make the rules in this house, y’hear? It ain’t right fer you ta go beatin’ folks like your dear departed maw an’ I always beat you an’ yore sister. Now do as yer paw tells ya and catch these here flower pots an’ change the dirt.

SON: Aw, damn it paw, I dun changed it yesterday!

PAW: Now what did ah just say?!? You do as yore told, an’ you do it now. An’ remember, don’t go ’round spreadin’ no more VI-o-lence, and mind yer cussin’, else I’ll beat the shit outta ya. Now git goin’!

Hmmm…interesting. Now how about a Shakespeare version? We will commence anon:

OLD MAN. O my son, what is this talk that befalls mine ears concerning a brawl most shameful this very day?

JACKIE. Much to my shame, I didst partake in such frenzy. But lest you, father, think my act unjustified, I do hasten to illuminate the cause. It seems the drunken knaves with whom I did trade blows sought to deprive mine dearest sister of her maidenhood.

OLD MAN. You speak thus! But thy words are womanish, and in thy eagerness to leap upon the nearest Son of Adam for reasons slight, I should say my son doth wish himself a lecherous and sinful Daughter of Eve!

JACKIE. Woe and misery rain upon this scrotum, for if I were a man not unlike mine sister, verily I wouldst have two fine and sumptuous titties.

OLD MAN. Silence! One word more on the matter and I shalt force mine flower pots upon you and declare before God almighty that I have not a son!

JACKIE. Then make that declaration, old one, for it is mine view that thou’rt a jackass most unscrupulous, and the burden of resolving this unhappy lot doth fall into mine dutiful hands.

OLD MAN. O, how sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

EXEUNT.

I dunno. It could probably use some more of the Bard’s trademark utterly-meaningless-poetry-in-mid-sentence. We’ll try a typical Hollywood testosterone-flooded Jean-Clod Van Damme-style action flick and then wrap up:

FATHER: John! I just heard on the police scanner that some inner city motherfuckers just tried to gang-bang your sister, and that you used all those lethal fighting skills you picked up on the playground during grades K-4 to stop them! Is it true?

JOHN ASSKICKER: No dad, actually I just ran back to uncle’s restaurant, grabbed his M-60 from behind the counter, made it back just in time to keep her pubes from being shown to the audience, and mowed down every one of the creeps like so much grass. She’s safe now, but I still have to have a climactic showdown with the big bad guy. I’ll be back in time to clean your flower pots, OK?

All right, I admit that didn’t work. Fortunately, that’s not the only unfathomably stupid scene in this movie. There’s also the part where the mini-gang leader tells the bad guys to go burn down Jackie’s house. Then, as an afterthought, he says: “And another thing…when you’re done with that, kill him!” Of course, the bad guys know better than to question their boss, even though they know full well that they could save a hell of a lot of time and effort by just killing him first (after several failed attempts…). “All right, that’s enough,” he said, for all was indeed right, and that was in fact enough. The first rating is the serious one. The second is for the enjoyment you can get out of this movie by pulling a Mystery Science Theater 3000 on it.

Numskull’s Rating: 3/10, 7/10

By Alvin George

This is the movie where Jackie Chan had his first starring role. However, it happens to be pure shit. This film was never, repeat, NEVER completed. Jackie says that the director just walked out on the cast one night in the early ’70s. So what do some greedy producers do when Chan finally becomes a star years later? They “finish” the film using a lame lookalike. I must admit to not watching the whole movie. The video version I rented had multiple endings, so I just fast-forwarded to them. Guess what? They were ALL lame. The Cannon Group made better movies than this. Heck, I could make a better movie with a personal camcorder. As MPM would say, this flick sucks chunks!

Alvin George’s Rating: 0/10

By Marcia Franklin

I must be a mutant, looking at everyone else’s reviews, because I actually liked this film. Of course, it was one of the first, oh, five or so Jackie flicks I ever saw, so maybe it’s because I didn’t have anything with which to compare. Also, I would wager that the version one sees has an impact on one’s reaction — “Master with Cracked Fingers” has the little boy stuff all at the beginning (where it actually makes sense), while “Snake Fist Fighter” throws it in as flashbacks during the climactic fight — eww. In comparison to other Jackie films, it’s far from great, but I found it to be, if nothing else, an interesting look at the young Jackie in his first starring role. Not great cinema, but likeable.

Marcia Franklin’s Rating: 6/10

By James H.

This here is Jackie very first starring role. Some say that it has a certain charm to it. I don’t think it does. “Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow” has a certain charm, this is just a bad kung fu movie from the early 70’s. It has the same plot as every other bad kung fu movie from the 70’s. The production of the “movie” must have cost about $109.95, with each actor receiving their $11.49 for their work.

I saw the “special edition” of the movie, which has three different endings. Each one is stupider than the last. In retrospect though, I’d rather watch this than “The Protector” because there were some parts that were so bad they were laughable, while “The Protector” was just so bad. If you do end up renting this, buy some batteries for the VCR clicker, you’ll need them after you run down the old ones from using the fast-forward button.

James H’s Rating: 2/10

By Cody

Like some other critics on this site have said, this movie has a special charm about it. I can’t really put my finger on it though. Other than that this movie is really nothing special. The acting is dull, the story is obviously a remake of Bruce Lee’s “The Big Boss”, Jackie is wearing far too much eye-liner, and then there’s the fight sequences that are copying Bruce Lee (my uncle came in while I was watching this movie and he thought he was seeing Bruce Lee). The worst thing about movie is probably Jackie’s teacher.

This scene will explain my opinion on him:

BUM: Whats wrong little boy, you look sad?
BABY JACKIE: I want to learn how to fight (why!) but my father won’t let me! (boo hoo, sniff sniff)
BUM: Well I’ll teach you if you …
BABY JACKIE: HAH! all your good for is beggin’
BUM: WHY I OUTTA’! Look at this, this is my magic stick (gross!). And I’m one of the greatest martial artists in the land.
BABY JACKIE: You wanna see fighting, well I’ll show you! (baby Jackie does some mantis kung fu, but he falls flat on his butt)
BUM: HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!
BABY JACKIE: You better stop laghing or I’m gonna kick your @$$! (They start to “fight” Jackie loses)
BUM: So what do you think now, huh kid!
BABY JACKIE: TEACH ME!
BUM: Alright. Meet me in the woods tonight and come alone, or else! (later that night)
BABY JACKIE: I’m ready master.
BUM: Good, we’ll start by putting you in this full of magical poweres, but first you have to take off your clothes…

I stopped there because it was too sickening, you think about.

Cody’s Rating: 3/10

By Andrew

Not the best, and not the worst, but this is Chan’s first big picture, and it ain’t bad. Now it’s hard for me to say too much about the specifics of this fim, because I’ve seen two different versions and three alternate endings. (one of which wasn’t even an ending) I can say that there are different distinct parts of the film, and they are of varying effectiveness in conveying the overall story. So what is the story here? Of course the basic plot involves Chan growing up to someday fight to the death with the man who killed his father years before (don’t these guys get too old to fight?) but the real battle is for our hero’s moral values. Is it okay to fight, or must we only defend ourselves. Chan suffers terrible punishment from his step-father for defending others, but still knows that to avenge his fathers death he must fight his way up to the final confrontation. A young thief also must choose whether to help this noble young hero, or cooperate with the thugs who terrorize the village.

Ultimately, this is a mildly entertaining film, with the emphasis on comedy… or action. (depending on which edition you see)

Andrew’s Rating: 6/10

By Vic Nguyen

CRAP! I can’t believe I actually paid $.79 to rent this piece of crap! This is just another film made to cash in on Jackie’s rising popularity in America. Stay away from this film at all costs.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 0/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , |

Medallion, The | aka Highbinders (2003) Review

Posted on January 25, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Medallion" Korean Theatrical Poster

“The Medallion” Korean Theatrical Poster

Director: Gordon Chan
Cast: Jackie Chan, Claire Forlani, Lee Evans, Julian Sands, Alexander Bao, Anthony Wong, Christy Chung, Johann Myers, John Rhys-Davies, Scott Adkins, Paul Andreovski, Nicola Berwick, Anthony Carpio
Running Time: 88 min.

By Reefer

Jackie Chan’s The Medallion is rare film. Rare, because its Jackie’s most CGI-enhanced film to date. Rare, because he actually has a make-out scene with his lovely co-star. And finally rare, because it suffers from an obvious lack of thought, despite employing no less than five credited screenwriters to finish it. Five writers!

The Medallion is also cursed with the mediocrity that made most of Chan’s other efforts (Mr. Nice Guy, The Tuxedo, First Strike, etc) flop like a cross-eyed mackerel. Mediocre, because Jackie fights… well nobody of any skill. Mediocre, because his Interpol agent sidekick’s character (Lee Evans) is totally ridiculous and absolutely unbelievable from beginning to end. Mediocre, because his love interest is again at least twenty years younger than him and no effort is made to explain the attraction. Mediocre, because Jackie is again playing himself and not a character. And finally mediocre, because the best laughs are found in the outtakes at the end of the film.

Jackie’s character Eddie Yang is a Hong Kong cop on the trail of ruthless smuggler, Snakehead (Julian Sands, in a role that signifies that his career is coming to an end). Along the way, Yang is teamed up with Watson (Evans) an Interpol agent with an Asian wife (Christy Chung) and an inferiority complex. Together with Chan’s ex-flame and fellow agent, Claire Forlani, they follow Snakehead to Dublin as the bad guy attempts to gain immortality from a mysterious medallion in the possession of a mystical young boy (think Golden Child). Well, through a chain of events, Yang is eventually given super powers and immortality but the other half of the trinket is acquired by the evil Snakehead and the battle is on.

Despite the presence of Opera school pal Sammo Hung as action director, these FX-laden battles unfortunately fail to impress. The problem is that somehow Chan was able to do things like leap six foot fences and scamper across the seats of parked bicycles before he gained super powers! Now his abilities are just exaggerated. He’s stronger. Faster. And furthermore, who cares about a battle between characters who are IMMORTAL! They cannot kill each other so its pretty much anticlimactic.

Like many people, I want Jackie to make good films again. In a recent interview, he expressed a desire to do dramas, love stories, comedies, and the like. To do this, he must overcome one thing. Himself. And comply to the vision of a director. Gordan Chan, a good director, is credited with directing the Medallion, but there doesn’t seem to be much of him in the final product. Instead, the audience gets more of what Jackie fans expect: Comic fights, lowbrow comedy, a good-natured hero, and some fun stunts. Bear in mind that this isn’t always a bad thing. You get the feeling that if Steven Spielberg directed Jackie there would still be slapstick, bad dubbing, a teenage girlfriend and a monster truck laying waste to all in sight before the hilarious outtakes.

Reefer’s Rating: 6/10

By Numskull

On the surface, this Jackie Chan/Gordon Chan collaboration looks like a boring, mindless, special effects shitfest.

Looks can be deceiving.

Upon closer inspection, with a more receptive attitude, The Medallion is, in actuality…

…a boring, mindless, special effects shitfest.

I said looks CAN BE deceiving. I didn’t say they ARE.

I’m not going to debate whether Jackie’s recent string of vapid filler movies is due to his desire to succeed in America or the ravages of time; one way or the other, the days of crazed ten-minute action scenes with competent adversaries are well and truly over. That doesn’t mean he still can’t make enjoyable films, but The Medallion merely illustrates how far the man has fallen in terms of the vigor he brings to the screen. I’m not so unrealistic as to expect another extravaganza like Project A at his age, but he can most definitely do better than this.

So, there’s a “chosen one” kid with mystic powers and a medallion (or, if you prefer, an amulet) which can grant immortality to the bearer and an evil British guy (“Snakehead”) who wants them for himself and blah blah blah. Perhaps the story was more interesting before Columbia TriStar took it upon themselves to decide that people would rather watch 75% of a movie instead of a whole one. Perhaps not. Either way, Julian Sands is a pretty non-threatening villain, and the fact that he tries to befriend Jackie’s character before their big “fight” (if the blur of special effects at the film’s climax can be referred to as such) doesn’t help matters. However, he’s still easier to stomach than Jackie’s partner Lee Evans, who keeps pointing his gun at statues; while watching his irritating style of overacting, all I could think about was the number of Ross Perot jokes he probably endured in the early ’90s. Then there’s Claire Forlani as The Woman, who was presumably hired because all the real actresses said no, and John Rhys-Davies in the role of an interpol boss, whose screen time is even shorter than Gimli. Or, hell, even Frodo. On the Asian side we have Christy Chung as Evans’s wife (must have an ear fetish), whose combative skills were probably explained in an excised scene, and Anthony Wong Chau-sang as an ally of Snakehead’s, whose dialogue is dubbed into English that isn’t any better than the English he speaks himself.

Uninvolving, FX-laden action scenes with small amounts of anemic hand-to-hand combat (Sammo Hung’s talents put to poor use) are scattered here and there, including a cat fight late in the game that brings back painful memories of Bulletproof Monk. The comedic highlight is Jackie suddenly telling Julian Sands “I want ice cream” in the outtakes (which, by the way, include numerous bits left out of the final cut, and show the original title, “Highbinders”, on the black and white clapping thingie that they put in front of the camera at the beginning of each take). If you want laughs while the film itself is in progress, you’re out of luck, unless you’re like the pack of obnoxious kids I had to share the theater with and you find humor in the “Three’s Company”-esque scene in which Chan and Evans accidentally lead some of the other interpol agents to believe that they’re a gay couple.

In conclusion: Bah. Another few months of a Hong Kong star’s time gone down the drain, and another 90 minutes and cost of a ticket wasted for us. (See also: Cradle 2 the Grave, Bulletproof Monk. Better yet, don’t.) Here’s hoping that Jackie gives up on special effects and goes back to disappointing us the old-fashioned way.

Numskull’s Rating: 3/10

Posted in Asian Related, Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow (1978) Review

Posted on January 24, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Snake in the Eagle's Shadow" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Yuen Woo Ping
Producer: Ng See Yuen
Cast: Jackie Chan, Chiang Kam, Simon Yuen, Hwang Jang Lee, Hsu Hsia, Dean Shek, Charlie Chan, Peter Chan, Chu Chi Ling, Fung King Man, Roy Horan
Running Time: 98 min.

By Ro

This one opens with Jackie performing an incredible kata. For the uninitiated – a kata is a series of kicks, blocks and punches aimed at invisible opponents. It’s carefully choreographed, with the emphasis on precision of form and timing. This one rocks! (And I know what I’m talking about – my sister, Maria (3 dan black belt) has a roomful of trophies for her katas) I wanted to kill whoever was responsible for running the credits over him as he performed! OK, now for the story – Jackie’s the supposedly simple- minded houseboy for a kung-fu school. They use him, quite literally, as a punching bag. He befriends an old man who teaches him the ‘Snakefist’ style of Kung Fu.

The rest of the story is inevitable. It’s been compared to The Karate Kid and the comparison is valid. The only difference is that when you see Jackie in the beginning, scrubbing floors in a sleeveless shirt, it’s hard to picture him being unable to kick their collective butts. It’s got a lot of humor in it, especially with Jackie trying to survive while still hiding his new talents, but the best parts for me were the training scenes. Watching him work out without the distraction of a fight is beauty in motion. The precision of his movements and clean lines are wonderful, like watching a world class ballet dancer rehearse! Breathtaking! Watch for him doing stomach crunches with his master sitting on his belly!! There are some negatives; the actual fighting looks more like a ‘how to’ video, in the typical style of the 70s, the pace is very slow. Also, there’s western music playing in the background and it just doesn’t fit the genre, the cat screeching sounds during the last fight are absurd and Jackie doesn’t dub his own voice in the version I saw. Despite all these negatives, this is one of his best early works and definitely worth a viewing!

Ro’s Rating: 7/10

By DJ Nixon

This was Jackie’s first big box-office hit and I think it was well deserved. A great 70’s film that had some good comedy and action in it. Jackie did a great job doing all the fights, and they all looked great. The Snake Fist was a great idea for Chan to invent and the how he combined that with the Cat’s Paw was cool (except for the cheesy cat sound effects). The plot was the same as all of his movies though, Jackie is a weak and beatup student and an old master comes along and teaches him kung-fu; the master ends up getting beaten up by a great kung-fu master; Jackie gets really angry and goes after the other master and fails the first time but beats him the second time; that is the basic plot of all of them. Good movies, except for the repeated-through-history plot.

DJ Nixon’s Rating: 8/10

By James H.

I wish I lived in a time and place where I could learn kung fu in a matter of minutes. That’s how long it took Jackie to learn it! An early Jackie Chan film. I’m not a really big fan of his early films, but this one was pretty good. The fight choreography was generally well done and well executed. There were plenty of fights, but the ones in the middle weren’t very exciting. The baddies were very cool and very familiar. I liked the Russian priest. The film was also very funny. My two favourite scenes were: the one were the old man is helping Jackie fight (near the beginning) and the scene were Jackie has to grab the bowl from the old man.

But with every up, there has to be a down. The sound effects were not in sync (maybe it has something to do with the doppler effect) and very annoying (the cat sounds!?! What the hell is up with that?). The music seemed like it was from a bad video game, actually some of the music during the fights was kind of frightening. They also stole some music from “From Russia With Love.” Oh and the dubbing was just like every other dubbed kung fu movie from the 70’s; corny and fun.

Overall it is quite good, with some good fights and light-hearted humour. Although I noticed a lot of people got kicked in the balls in the movie.

James H’s Rating: 6/10

By Rintor

SNAKE WARS: A NEW KUNG FU

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A CHINESE VILLAGE NOT SO FAR AWAY THE SNAKE FIST STYLE THRIVED AND GAINED MANY STUDENTS. THEN SUDDENLY AN EVIL KUNG FU MASTER CREATED THE EAGLE CLAW STYLE AND BEGIN TERRORIZING THE SNAKE FIST STUDENTS. THE EAGLE CLAW SUDENTS KILLED OVER 300 OF THE SNAKE FIST STUDENTS, AND ONLY TWO PEOPLE REMAINED WHO KNEW THE SNAKE FIST STYLE. EVENTUALLY AN OLD MAN TAUGHT THE SNAKE FIST STYLE TO A TROUBLED YOUNG BOY, CHIEN-FU. FOR CHIEN-FU WAS THE OLD MAN’s ONLY HOPE. COMBINING THE SNAKE FIST STYLE WITH A CAT CLAW TECHNIQUE CHIN FU DEFEATED THE EVIL DARK KUNG FU MASTER. THE NEW KUNG FU WOULD BE CALLED: SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’s SHADOW.

THE END.

Heh, I thought this movie could be done Star Wars style because of that Star Wars music that they borrow. This movie was great and I loved it. It’s a must see. (The only cheesy part was the cat hiss)

Rintor’s Rating: 8.5/10

By Dead Channel

Hah, yeah. An older Jackie Chan movie, I just bought this one (and saw as well) about a week ago. Was $6 with a nice cover (it’s the widescreen one) and I figured what the hell, I read nice reviews and heard good things so I’ll check it. As I am not too big a fan of his older movies (it seems like there is too much boring talk and other nonsense.. and not enough fighting.) I really enjoyed this movie. It wasn’t like the newer ones, where I can fucking rewind and play them back 3 times in a row, but it is still the jam. I was about to cry every time Jackie got embarrased or in trouble by his master, and he ran off crying. *sneef* But then of course a bit later (after learning his skills pretty quickly! see the other reviews for more info hahah) he starts kicking everybody’s ass, so I bust a hole in the wall with happiness (not really)…

Anyway, check this one out anyway, it’s worth a watch. Get the english dubbed version so you can catch the cheesy arse dialogue like.. “What style is that?” (Jackie) “Well, if you must know, it’s the praying mantis style!” (Perpetrator) “Well this is the snake fist style!” (Jackie) Hah! Fucking cool. I love it when the priest (or fake priest, unfortunatly) comes out “Please, don’t fight! You’re a sinner!” Blah blah, and the fucking guy smacks that bitch right in the face MUHAHAH! Ahem.. sorry.

Dead Channel’s Rating: 6/10

By Numskull

ERNEST HEMINGWAY SPECIAL! ONE TIME ONLY!!!

In an attempt to bring more widespread appreciation to great fiction, I shall compose this review in the spirit of the 19th century literary genius, Ernest Hemingway! Mr. Hemingway is to this day one of the most honored and respected writers the English language has ever known, and I certainly hope that this review, written in his brilliantly distinct style, illustrates why!!!

Jackie was the only man at the kung fu school who did not know how to fight. All of the others mocked him and ridiculed him and insulted him and made fun of him because he did not know how to fight. Because he did not know how to fight, Jackie was very sad. Because he was very sad, Jackie cried. Because he cried, Jackie made friends with a kindly old man. Then Jackie asked the old man, who was a Snake style master, to teach him how to fight. The old man said to Jackie: “Fighting can be dangerous. Wouldn’t you like me to teach you how to tap-dance instead?” “No,” said Jackie. “I don’t want to tap-dance. I want to punch and kick and jump and bite and chop and claw and scratch and head-butt and make an absolute jackass of myself by hissing like a cat.” Then the old man said, “Very well. I will teach you how to fight.” Then the old man taught jackie how to fight. Then he left.

Meanwhile, Jackie kept training. One day, it rained, but Jackie kept training. Then a man from another kung fu school showed up at the kung fu school that Jackie lived in and jackie made everybody else look incompetent by defeating the man from the other kung fu school who had showed up at the kung fu school that Jackie lived in. Then an Eagle style master saw Jackie win. Then he approached Jackie. Then he asked him where he had learned the Snake style. Jackie refused to tell him, but not until after remembering the old man telling him to keep their friendship a secret. Then, Jackie and the Eagle style master fought. Jackie lost and was very sad again. When the old man found out that the Eagle style master was after him, he ran away from the town. On the way to where he was going, there was a pond full of water. The old man looked at the surface of the water. His reflection was there. Then he kept running.

Back at the kung fu school that Jackie lived in, Jackie watched a cat kill a snake. Then Jackie ran off and killed a man disguised as a preacher. Then the Eagle style master caught up with the old man. Then they began to fight. Then the fight continued. Then Jackie showed up. Then he beat the Eagle style master with the same technique the cat had used to kill the snake a short while beforehand. Then the cook from the kung fu school showed up and told Jackie and the old man that he had served them poisoned tea. Then Jackie and the old man died. Then they fell to the ground. Then they got up off the ground, for they had actually not died.Then Jackie addressed the cook. “We do not like hot tea. We do not drink hot tea. We did not drink your hot tea, which you have just told us was poisoned. Now I shall kick your ass.”

Then Jackie kicked the ass of the very same cook who had served them the poisoned tea (which they had not drank, for the poisoned tea was hot, and they did not drink hot tea, including hot tea with poison in it). Then the old man congratulated him. “By fighting evil men such as these, you are fighting for the good of the world,” said the old man. Then he said, “The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.” Then Jackie and the old man walked off-camera and were never seen or heard from again.

Jackie’s character in this movie was named Chien Fu. In French, that means “mad dog.” I find this extremely funny. Also, the scene where the preacher gets dragged into the whorehouse made me laugh till I just about pissed, but the rest is pretty unremarkable. Mad Dog didn’t even get to beat up his annoying master. That sucked!

P.S. I do hope you’re all capable of recognizing sarcasm when you read it.

Numskull’s Rating: 5/10

By Aloho

This is one of the first films of Jackie’s I have seen. I really liked it because of some comedy mixed in with some action. I was unfamilier with some of Jackie’s tone. So I really liked it at first. Then I saw about 15 more movies of his and so Snake died off. In most of Chan’s movies something is brilliant and unique. In Snake, a guy fights with a fan, which was then revamped in Young Master. Jackie is paired up with the old guy and Jackie fights Hwang Jang-lee. That was then improved in Drunken Master. I give this an extra point because some friends of mine enjoyed this flick while staying away from Chan’s movies released in America.

Aloho’s Rating: 6/10

By Andrew

Now here is a kung fu film with a good deal of action and comedy. True, it does get tiresome to see the same couple of actors attempting to provide comic relief, but this film was better than your average Lo Wei flick. I actually watched this one with my parents, and they enjoyed it. I thought the old style Kung Fu would seem too weird for them, but they laughed out loud at the “cat’s paw” technique!

Andrew’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , |

Drunken Master III (1994) Review

Posted on January 24, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Drunken Master III" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“Drunken Master III” Chinese Theatrical Poster

AKA: Drunken Master Killer
Director: Lau Kar Leung
Cast: Willie Chi Tin Sang, Michelle Reis, Lau Kar Leung, Gordon Liu Chia Hui, Adam Cheng Siu Chow, Andy Lau Tak Wah, William Ho Ka Kui, Giorgio Pasotti, Lau Kar Yung, Bradley James Allan, Simon Yam
Running Time: 91 min.

By Reefer

The beautiful, but bratty, Michelle Li was about to become a princess. She received the jade ring from an evil king and she believed her life was just about to improve when a revolutionary played by Andy Lau kidnaps her. While escaping an attack by the king’s men, lead by the ever-bald Gordon Liu, Michelle is placed in the care of Wong Ki-ying and his soon-to-be legendary son Fei-hung.

It is here that DM3 falls into the familiar setting of the other films of the series. Miscommunication, out-right lies, and mistaken identity are again common place. Add to that a scene that was gratuitously lifted by Sam Raimi for this year’s Spiderman. The scene shows Andy Lau clinging to ceiling rafters while Gordon Liu’s evil general stands below. A drop of blood almost hits him but is skillfully fended off by Ki-ying. Later on, Michelle Li tries to pass herself off as a man on a cross-country trip with Fei-hung. Then later, there are lies about her being pregnant (another plot idea taken from DM2) for attempted comic effect. This film seems content on piling absurdity on top of absurdity until the entire production almost collapses under the stress of its own narrative.

Only after the one-hour mark does the audience get treated to any sign of Michelle Li’s human qualities. Before that, she is bitchy and bratty, often threatening to have people castrated or shot when she becomes queen. She is lightened up considerably when a group of children help her realize that being queen won’t bring her happiness by itself. A very well done scene in a film that was in need of one. I know, sounds like one of those corny warm and fuzzy moments, but I will continue to be a sucker for them.

Willie Chi as Fei-hung is no Jackie Chan or Jet Li, but few are. He has the boyishness of Chan’s character down, but lost is the physicality or even a hint of the stoicism or nobility of Jet Li’s adaptation. I think I should note that the presence of so many other characters also serves as a testament to Willie’s lack of star power. Chi offers fans of the character only a hollow grin which would be fine if you movie wasn’t so centered on he and Michelle’s bickering relationship.

As traveling companions, Chi and Li have more of a brother and sister appeal. Fei-hung seems more interested in his skateboard (?) and Li is too winey and self-obsessed for any believable sparks. Having said that, it’s obvious Fei-hung still has a hero streak in him, as witnessed by a totally odd fight between him and gay bus passenger Simon Yam during the ride. The fighting style here I can only describe as Homo Fu. At the same time, Yam exhibits either greater martial arts skills than I expected or excellent faking skills. The lengthy match is nonetheless ruined because it soon gets reduced to window dressing status in favor of Li’s hi-jinks involving wine-maker Lau Kar-leung and a bunch of pregnant women.

Then finally, all the good guys in the movie and all the bad guys in the movie clash in familiar Drunken Master style. This time it happens during some wacky Halloween celebration put on by those happy-go-lucky patrons of the (dum. . dee. . da . . dum!) White Lotus Sect. Andy Lau gamely appears again just in time to fight with Gordon Liu in a confession booth (?). Pretty soon everyone is strutting their martial stuff.

Despite all the references and links to the series, there really isn’t any alcoholic advantage given to the fighters. Ironically, maybe a buzz would be more beneficial to the audience instead of the performers. A good time waster, not much more.

Reefer’s Rating: 6/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , |

Drunken Master II (1994) Review

Posted on January 24, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Drunken Master II" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“Drunken Master II” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Jackie Chan
Co-director: Lau Kar Leung
Cast: Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, Ti Lung, Lau Kar Leung, Felix Wong, Chin Kar Lok, Ho Sung Pak, Ken Lo, Suki Kwan, Lau Siu Ming, Bao Fang, Chan Daat Gong, Cheung Chi Kwong, Mark King, Johnny Cheung, Ho Pak Kwong, Mark Houghton
Running Time: 95/102 min.

By TheFrankEinstein

Jackie Chan is THE MAN. If there was any doubt in your silly little head about that fact, this film will clear you right up. Early on in the movie, it appears that Jackie might be taking it a little easy. Of course, that’s excusable; he was forty years old when he stepped back into the role of Wong Fei-hung that he originally portrayed in 1979’s Drunken Master. At first it appears that time might have finally gotten the better of the cannonball… but then he gets drunk. In case you don’t know, Jackie’s Wong Fei-hung is a practitioner of the Drunken Boxing style of Kung Fu. This includes stances mimicking eight different Chinese Gods, all drunk off their asses. It involves lots of staggering and posture which insinuates holding glasses/jugs of wine, a flute, or perhaps even a bum leg. Fei-Hung’s pretty good at this style sober, but when he gets a little shitfaced, look out.

So, point being, the rather geriatric performance during the first fifteen minutes is intentional, perhaps to lull you into a false sense of kung fu security, so that the erratic martial arts action will catch you off guard and kick you square in the nuts. Then, when compared to the original, Drunken Master 2 excels. Hell, when compared to anything at all, it excels. But the somewhat clunky, obviously choreographed fights of yore give way to the newer high octane all-or-nothing hyper-kinetic caffeinated-monkey-fu. So now, rather than being a labor of love like the older kung fu stuff, watching this is thrilling, unpredictable, mind-bending, and a little frightening. By frightening, I mean that I’ve grown a little paranoid that a small red Chinese man will use me as a wheelbarrow. That’s a rational fear, right? But aha!

The new fighting style isn’t the only addition, as Anita Mui occasionally steals the show as Wong Fei-hung’s mischievous mother. The comedic addition of Fei-hung and mom’s relationship really frees Jackie up (for once) to be a pretty straight bad-ass, and it adds some A-class humor to the movie without dumbing it down or making it too juvenile (damn you, Jar-Jar Binks!) If anyone wants to know how to add comedic interludes to an otherwise fairly serious story, look at this, because they did it very well. I’ll shut my yap now and leave you with this – Not often do you get to see Jackie Chan… Mr. Nice Guy… HONG KONG’S FAVORITE SON… go completely ape-shit. In fact, just the other day I had this to say to my friend: “Friend”, I said, “I’ve won the lottery twice, and been struck by lightning three times, but NEVER have I seen Jackie Chan go totally ape-shit!” and he said “Hey! You’re right! I’ve been hit by seven meteorites, but have I seen Jackie Chan lose it? No!” But that all changed by the end of Drunken Master 2, and now I can die a happy man (who’s also rich, has a bit of a stutter/stammer and glows in the dark.) I’ll leave it at that, you need to buy this sucker right now.

TheFrankEinstein’s Rating: 8/10

By S!DM

Possibly Chan’s best film, and most hyped, Drunken Master 2 brings us back into the world of classic kung fu cinema. Jackie’s Wong Fei Hung, portrayed here as a mischeivious youngun’, has him trying to save one of China’s ancient treasures from being immorally (but not illegally?) exported to Britain by means of the evil British consul (come to think of it, why didn’t Fei Hung just tell the truth or contact the Chinese authorities or gather a band of marauders or…). Well, not much of a plot, but you know that everybody watches Jackie’s movies strictly for the story and not for the painstakingly choreographed fight scenes anyways 😉 This has to be one of the single greatest “fight” movies of all time. I really enjoyed the varied choreography: it seems to encompass every variety of old school rumble:The “one-two-three” school of fighting, The “whooshy Wushu weapons” school, The “wire-fu” school, The “bench-fu”school, And Jackie’s typical variety, which all are great.

Plus, as an added bonus, we get fights directed by Lau Kar Leung AND Jackie Chan…personally, I think the fight underneath the train is one of the greatest filmed fights of all time. But the finale is what gets people onto the edge of their seats. What we see here is so great, so magnificently WONDERFUL, that many people would disobey even their own mothers to watch this again. It took four months to shoot, and was worth every minute of it. Ken Lo vs. Jackie Chan. Ken Lo pummels Chan for quite a time in the most powerful looking kicking sequence I’ve seen. Not many complicated movements here, Ken just shoots out kick after kick before posing the coolest leg raise ever…he really shows his stuff. But surprisingly, many wires are used in the later part of the fight, and this really upset alot of people not keen to floating people.

While this is a cool film, the plot borrows from Young Master, Dragon Lord, and some of his earlier films, such as the infamous “skirt kick” technique.

S!DM’s Rating: 8/10 if you like Jackie’s usual stuff, 9/10 if you like your fighting “old school”, 10/10 if you are a Ken Lo fan, 7.5/10 if you like wire movies, 11/10 if you like your kicking swift and fast.

By Ro

At first I didn’t know what to make of this movie. It’s been rated #1 on most web sites as the best Jackie Chan film ever made, but I was having a hard time seeing it. The subtitles (from Tai Seng video) were almost illegible, making whatever plot and humor the movie had incomprehensible and the fighting was good, but nothing to rave about. Then I got to the final fight scene! In my (admittedly unprofessional) opinion, this is without a doubt the best overall fight scene in any Jackie Chan film I’ve seen to date! Then I watched the entire movie again and I realized what makes it so great (OK, it took me 2 tries – most of you saw it in only one. But in my defense, the subtitles were driving me insane!).

I believe that Jackie set out to make the ultimate Kung Fu movie, using the old fashioned formula (good guy gets beaten up, then whups his opponent in the final battle), and adding all the skill and know-how he gained from decades in the business. In my opinion, he succeeds in his goal. He blends stunts as good as any you’ll see in his current day films, with kung-fu fighting faster and more furious than you’ll see in the old chop-socky movies. He builds on each fight scene, making them harder and more complex, till the film reaches it’s incredible climax. I’m probably the only person to really enjoy he first fight held under the train, then the platform. That’s because I can really appreciate the effort that went into it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do anything when you can’t stand up straight?!? I do, and my hack hurt just watching them. And the scene with the ax-gang was incredible! But does anybody know why the Manchu officer told him to strip then spit oil (?) on him. I’m not complaining, you understand, I’m just confused.

One final comment on Anita Mui – she is arguably the best actress ever to work with Jackie and this film really showcases her talent. Whether she’s throwing bottles of liquor to Jackie so he can demonstrate ‘drunken boxing’ for her friends, putting one over on her husband, or taking on the Manchu officer one- on-one, she’s one tough momma. She created the most memorable character in the movie, and she did it under the burden of either playing a woman who gave birth while she was still an itch in her Daddy’s pants (if she’s supposed to be his mother), or a woman who has an obscenely close relationship to a stepson her own age. Either way, her acting ability transcended the language (and even the subtitle) barrier!

Ro’s Rating: 10/10

By T-Man

This movie is what watching Jackie Chan movies is all about! It has great fight scenes, a solid plot, great humor, and good stunts. The drunken boxing is both fascinating and humorous to watch. Jackie Chan is arguably at his acting best. Anita Mui also does an excellent job. It is difficult to find a strong second actor in any of Jackie movies (except for Heart of the Dragon), but Anita definitely pulls it off. The fighting is incredible and well-choreographed. The movie also has one of Jackie Chan’s greatest stunts (I’ll leave you to find it). This movie also has some of the best cinematography I’ve ever seen in a Jackie Chan movie. Hollywood wishes they could make a movie this good!

I have one question for those of us who have seen it: Where is everybody at the end?! Jackie is followed by his kung fu friends and a mob of people into the factory, then they all just disappear at the end. Also, if you get the subtitled version, the subtitles are hard to read alot of time. I realize I’m nitpicking here, but the movie is that good. Is it the best Jackie Chan movie? Probably not (I’ll have to watch Dragons Forever again to decide), but it’s darn close!

T-Man’s Rating: 9.5/10

By Dorgon

A few years ago after seeing Rumble in the Bronx, I was attempting to “discover” Jackie Chan and I go into Saturday Matinee and buy myself a $6.99 copy of Drunken Master. Although I can’t read the subtitles and the transfer is really poor, I am duly impressed. So I drove an hour to the trendy video store and I rented Drunken Master 2. Oh yeah.

DM 2 is as perfect a Jackie Chan movie as I have ever seen (at this writing, I’ve seen 14). The top notch fight scenes are intertwined with some fantastic work from Anita Mui as his mother (who is younger than him – must be some sort of Sphinxian [Is this a word?] riddle). There are a few throwaway plot complications, i.e. the stuff in the factory, but this was necessary to setup the final battle.

How would I describe this film? Lightning fast displays of power and grace!!!

The movie is non-stop. It goes direct from great scenes with Anita Mui to an ass kicking fight with Jackie to another great Anita scene to another great Jackie ass kicking. There are no wild car chases here (it is a period piece after all), but they are not missed. Instead, we get to see the perfect movement of Jackie. I read a great line once recently: “Watching Jackie Chan jump from ledge to ledge and from tree to tree is like watching Gene Kelly lie back in an easy chair and you think that it is the most graceful thing you have ever seen.” Amen, brother. This is Jackie’s American in Paris – I will use it for all time as the movie to show people to say “this is Jackie Chan.”

Dorgon’s Rating: 10/10 (but I give the Axe Gang a 6 – never miss….pshaw)

By James H.

Ah yes, this film recalls a time were getting pissed and kicking the shit out of people was socially acceptable. How I wish I could live in such a time. What an incredible movie this is. I want everyone now to thank Jackie for making this movie. By the looks of it, he went through a lot of pain to make this movie. He set himself on fire for us. He crawled across burning hot fucking coals so we could be entertained.

This movie has a great charm to it. I loved everything about this film. It’s a very welcome return to the “old” style kung fu movies. They simply aren’t made anymore. In today’s kung fu movies, the hero is always a cop of some sort. I was blown away by the fighting in this movie. Nothing can compare to Jackie vs. 60 dudes with hatchets. And the end fight is absolutely jaw-dopping! The choreography is the best I’ve seen in a long time. Jackie moves so fast and flows with impeccable rhythm, style and ease.

What was great too was that the version I rented was letterboxed and the subtitles were more legible than usual. The costumes were very cool, I love the styles back then. The sets were great and so was the cinematography, it is beautifully filmed. It’s one movie that shouldn’t be missed.

James H’s Rating: 10/10

By Numskull

HOOOOLLLEEEEEE CRAP!!! OVER-RATED!!!! Heh… well, only a little bit. 2.7 shitloads of people seem to think that this movie is the greatest thing since toilet paper, and folks: in my most humble of opinions, that just ain’t so. It is undoubtedly superior to the first Drunken Master as well as a top tier JC film, but I definitely wouldn’t place it above #3 (I rank Police Story and Project A as #s 1 and 2, respectively).

The plot is the bastard offspring of a menage a trois between Drunken Master, Young Master, and Dragon Lord. The latter two films are currently Buster Keatoning the shit out of each other to determine who the real sharpshooter is, and Drunken Master is trying to prevent its ex-spouse Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow from obtaining visitation rights, which is gonna be tough since they’re practically the same damn movie.

ubtitles were very oorly do
ould only read the first f
tters of the words on th
t and right edges of t
en. It was VERY annoyi

I was pleased when Jackie and Lau-kar Leung fought (seriously) under the train almost immediately, but then I got Good ‘n’ Fruity…no, Good ‘n’ Plenty…PISSED when Jackie chased him and started playing games with him. “EX-FUCKING-CUSE me? Weren’t these two trying to kill each other 43 seconds ago?” Well, it didnt get off to such a promising start, but neither did Who Am I? and look how much ass it ended up kicking. Now shut your hole and drop the sledge hammer…

Then Jackie fought a man who sells fish. Some of you may find this amusing, but in reality, seafood merchants are very disturbed people. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. How would you feel if people caught notice of your approach from upwind and deliberately kept themselves at a distance from you, even going so far as to step in the excrement of some stray mammal or other, claiming that the smell didn’t bother them? How would you enjoy having hordes of militant leftist lesbian vegetarians with nose rings parading in front of your place of business yelling “Meat is murder!” and “Boycott the butchers!” on a daily basis? How would you like it if the scent of your product was the standard comparison for the aroma that a certain part of the female anatomy develps when it goes unwashed? Please, everyone…let’s all make an effort to extend some common courtesy to the hard-working men and women who put such delicious, nutricious fish in our lunch bags and on our dinner tables, so that their lives may be at least as bearable as those of America’s greatest usung heroes: sewage treatment engineers. Thank you.

Next totally unnecessary outburst of violence over a minor dispute that could have been more easily resolved by discussing the matter over a nice cup of tea: Jackie takes on a bunch of guys in the streets while his mother (who, by the looks of her, gave birth to him while she was a fetus) and her friends toss him various bottles of wine upon which to get thoroughly sloshed, thus boosting his fighting skills.

(Suddenly, Numskull’s consciousness is inexplicably replaced with that of a 38-year old white suburban yuppie mommy!)

I did not think this scene (or this film, for that matter) was very amusing. In fact, I found it downright disgusting! The haste with which the so-called “hero” engaged in a senseless brawl in the middle of a public street was bad enough, but the fact that he unreservedly consumed massive amounts of alcohol to further desensitize himself to the pain he was causing was even worse. What kind of message is this “Jacky Chan” trying to send to our children…that it’s OK to start throwing punches and reach a gross state of intoxication at the drop of a hat?

This film was introduced to my household when it was recommended to my daughter Brittany by a member of her soccer team (whom the court has ordered me not to name). As I understand it, many (sick) people feel that “Drunken Master 2” deserves an honorable place in the pages of cinematic history, but after watching the aforementioned display of gratuitous fisticuffs and substance abuse, I decided that the only place it had in my childrens’ lives was in the garbage can. I’m writing a letter to the inividuals in this “Honk Kong” who are responsible for trashy films like “Drunken Master 2”, and I have asked all my colleagues in the PTA to do the same. Furthermore, I positively encourage all responsible parents whose hard-earned familial harmony has been violated by these filthy “Honk Kong” films to strictly forbid-

(At this point, the mad scientist who has kidnapped Numskull for purposes of mind transfer experimentation experiences technical difficulties. The insidious device malfunctions, allowing Numskull to return to his senses and destroy it, but not before blowing away its deranged inventor. Finally, he tracks down the 38-year-old white suburban yuppie mommy and ventilates the fucking bitch. And enjoys it immensely.)

OK, now that that’s settled, let me just say that I disagree with all the views and opinions expressed by the minivan-driving woman with the hyphenated last name. Now let’s move on to that gem of a scene in which Jackie and Lau-kar Leung are the defenders in a siege on a restaurant with about 67 attackers. Don’t ask why…just enjoy it. It was my favorite part of the movie. By the way, that red fluid that comes out of people’s skin when it gets cut is called “blood”. You don’t see it too often in JC films that don’t have Lo Wei at the wheel, and you may have thought that it was something doctors made up to attribute diseases to, but in fact it is very real. To see just how real it is, take a razor blade and draw it down the veins in your wrist. That warm, syrupy substance that issues forth from the wound and sprays you in the face? That’s blood. It is a necessity for life so for God’s sake don’t deprive yourself of it by slicing up your flesh. That would be just plain foolish.

Now let us inspect the climactic duel with Ken Lo, which involves hot coals, industrial alcohol, and other implements of mayhem which should be kept out of the reach of small children. This may be Jackie’s greatest one-on-one fight scene of all time…it beats the hell out of the one at the end of Wheels on Meals if you ask me (or even if you don’t, in which case fuck you). Wipe my ass and call me pampered if it didn’t make me ache a little just watching it.

Well folks, that wraps up another fun-filled review of another fun-filled JC film. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my fun-filled torture chamber and spend some more fun-filled time with the makers of that Midnight Thunder Gatorade commercial. Wheeee!!!

Numskull’s Rating: 9/10

By Dead Channel

Ahhh shit! My favorite movie of all time, undisputed! I remember reading a little kung fu newsletter back in the day called “Way Of The Fist” … funny I never got anything else from them.. anyway! The letter had a Jackie Chan discography, and I remember seeing “Drunken Master” and “Drunken Master 2” on there… I thought immediately, “I bet that shit is dope!” It had been a long time after that, and my sister was reading the movie section of the newspaper, and said they were showing Drunken Master 2 at this dollar theater! I freaked out of course, never seeing it. Turns out, it was some sort of a benefit, and even though it was at a dollar theater, it costed six bucks. After seeing it, I would have paid sixty bucks had I known how great this movie was (and is) ! Fucking amazing, on the big screen and all…

A few years later, after still wanting the movie on tape but not knowing how to go about getting it, I kinda forgot about it. That is until I went to this indoor flea market they have down the street from my house, and found a little place that sold all kinds of Jackie Chan stuff.. I asked about DM2, and the lady said she was sold out but to come back next week. I didn’t have enough money anyway hahah. She said it was 30 bucks, and that was for the English dub version. I really wanted the subtitled version (the one I saw in the theater) so I kind of forgot about it for about a month. Then one weekend I was like fuck it, I have money in my pocket and I can’t live without that movie one more second! I’ll just get the English dub version I don’t care! So I rolled up there, and asked about it. The lady was all, “I just got some in today.” And I was like, “Hell yeah, sucka!” So I go back to the movie section, and sure e-fucking-nough, they have the SUBTITLED version, and she’s only charging $25 for it!

I busted a nut needless to say, and sped home only to dodge street gangs, police, little kids and rednecks with guns (after I bought the movie of course…) but nothing would stop me now goddamnit. So as soon as I get home I start watching it again, and I was about to cry. It’s so unreal to me… Now, since that was as bit off topic and non-review like, I would just like to say that the scene where Fei-Hung is fighting the gang of guys who stole his mom’s (or is it stepmom?) diamond necklace (thinking it was the jade seal, I assume) and his mom and her friends are throwing Jackie bottles of wine .. he proceeds to get pretty fucked up, and ends up attacking his own dad without realizing it.

This movie has it all. unbelievable fight scenes, comedy, Anita Mui (Elena from Rumble in the Bronx, hah!) and drinking! What more can you ask for already?! All I have to say is, if you haven’t seen this one, you are missing out so hard, that you don’t deserve to own a VCR! Buy (or rent… whatever!) it at any cost, and heed my words. By the way, the best part is when the guy at the English Consolate says, “Here, carry these for me will you?” (and they subtitle that in English!) And a few moments later Jackie drops the “books” and the guy says (it the most rediculously overdone sounding voice), “Why did you drop those books?” Check it out to see what I mean! If you don’t think it’s funny after you see it, crawl in a fucking hole and die, mate!

Dead Channel’s Rating: 10/10

By Eirias

It isn’t often you sit down to watch a Jackie Chan movie with the expectation of watching a really good movie — or indeed, a movie than has any reason to exist without his incredible self. Drunken Master II is not only the best feature of Jackie Chan himself, it is strong all through the cast, and through the story and imagery. Though bits of the story are standard Jackie style goofiness, they work better than usual, partly because he’s working with actors whose comic talents are as good as his.

Anita Mui nearly walks off with the picture as his mother, and Ti Lung lends are terrifying dignity to the dramatic scenes as his father. And, most importantly, the fights are some of the most inspired ever put on film, as Jackie practices his skills in drunken boxing, weaving from side to side as his kicks the bad guys ass. Though I have to admit I haven’t managed to follow the later plot developments leading to the final showdown — because of the old white shirts against white walls while white subtitles play over them — I don’t really care. As Jackie walks into the iron works, a long, flowing white robe draped around him, and a fan in his hand, preparing to fight a long, hard duel with the incredibly Ken Lo…

Eirias’ Rating: 10/10

By Vic Nguyen

Ok, Ok, I admit that I might have gone overboard with my first review of Drunken Master 2. 50/10?! What the heck was I thinking? Well, that was when I first saw the picture. Believe me, opening a brand spank-me new package that contains a laserdisc copy of a Hong Kong movie gets your adrenaline going full blast. Well, now that I have rewatched the film for the 10 dozenth, I was not nearly as excited as when I first saw the film. Instead of a classic, 50/10 must see pic, the film became a good-not-great, 9/10, lets-see-whats-playing-in-the-dollar-movies type films. Don’t get me wrong, the film is still great Jackie Chan, but now that I think of it, it is not his best. Just as Jeff said, the film owes more to Young Master than anything else.

When I first saw the film, the only other Jackie film that I saw at the time was Rumble in the Bronx, and when I saw this film, I thought the fights were the most original things that I have seen. But as I began to indulge into Jackie’s career, watching all of his films and memorizing key moves, camera angles and moments, I realized that they weren’t all that original. A lot of key MOVES, CAMERA ANGLES, AND MOMENTS were lifted in the final fight of Drunken Master 2 from Young Master. If you need more ‘splainin, consult Jeff. But the other fights were original too, the spear fight between Jackie and Lau Kar Leung, the Drunken boxing bout in the town square, and the tea house brawl with an axe gang ruled. But the moments in between are SOOOOO slow. The purpose of them seems to be just to pass time and make critics believe that there is a plot. There are hardly any of the funny, comedic scenes that we all know and love and there is none of the spirit and spunk that was contained in the original.

So, what else is there going for the film besides the fight scenes? It is the performances from all the cast. ( Thank god there is no sign of a bad acting gweilo cast that has plagued Hong Kong movies for years, only those British guys that steal the treasure stuff that take up most of the space between the fights). Anita Mui gives the audience a spirited performance that wins the heart of everyone that sees the film. This performance, perhaps, was to be a change of pace from the bad girl image that the Hong Kong press have labeled her. Ti Lung, one of Shaw Brothers most gifted actors who marks his return (well, a second return, he made his first return in the 80’s with John Woo’s melodrama gangster classic A Better Tomorrow, then disappeared, then came back) in this film gives an excellent performance as Wong Fei Hung’s strict minded father Wong Key Ying. Other great performances include Lau Kar Leung’s portrayal as the former Manchu officer turned rebel, Wong Tat Wah’s performance as Fei Hung’s companion, and Andy Lau’s performance as a high ranking son of a government official (curiously, he is not to be seen again in the film after the first part, this is because Jackie cut out all footage after the first part when he took over as the director).

So, although the film has great fights and good performances, the rest of the film balances the scale downward from a classic to just a required viewing. It looks like the last really great, must see Jackie film is Crime Story, which was made a year prior to this films release. Crime Story, like other classics like Dragons Forever, Project A 2 , Police Story, and Police Story 3: Supercop, contain scene after scene of entertainment that does not let down (notice that all these films received a 10/10) This film has these moments, but not scene after scene. Hopefully, Jackie could prove me wrong and make a film of that calibre again (I’m not asking for non stop fights, just have some comedic scenes to balance it out). Overall, after thinking about it again and again, Drunken Master 2 is not the genius piece of work that I originally thought it was, it is just a flawed genius.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 9/10

By Hendri Liato

Chan’s homage to the ‘roots’ that made him a superstar and a legend in Asia is arguably the best Jackie Chan movie ever made. This is Chan’s most coherent film to date, tightly written around a somewhat familiar theme of loyalty and national pride. But don’t worry this is not a polemic on China’s struggle against Western corrupt influences, it’s an ass-kicking bring-the-house-down kungfu movie.

The line between good and evil is clear so that we know when Jackie beats the crap out of a guy, he is one of the bad guys. There are many great sequences in this film. When Jackie first gets into the classic steps of the Drunken Boxing, you feel the adrenaline pumping as that music plays int he background. The two-against-a-million fight at a tea house is jaw-dropping in its furious pace and intensity. And that doesn’t prepare you for the final ‘seeing-is-believing’ fight between Jackie and Ken Lo, which is already legendary and deservedly so. It’s simply one of the most amazingly staged and photographed fight sequences ever committed on film. Less inventive than his best prop fights, it nonetheless shows the full range of martial arts skills that both fighters possess and what martial arts is all about.

This being a JC movie and also the one that features the ‘Drunken Stance’ extensively, there are moments of extreme goofiness –always a HK movie staple and an acquired taste here in the West– that you have to groan and wince through. Fortunately, there are a lot less sadomasochistic comic relief moments that mar the enjoyment of many Chan’s films (worst offenders: OPERATION CONDOR, MR NICE GUY). Anita Mui –in the role of Jackie’s stepmother–plays more of a spoiled 90s material girl in period costume than a gregarious wife of a patriach (Ti Lung) in traditional China. And that what makes her character so hilarious. Mui mocks the old traditional patriach system with her performance while her on-screen character constantly exploiting it to her own advantage. Her comic timing is pitch perfect in this movie and she is an absolute delight to watch.

The fine production design is the most elaborate since MR CANTON AND LADY ROSE and the widescreen compostion captures the bygone era wonderfully. No gravity-defying car crashes, no major property destruction, no hopelessly flailing women. Just lots of classic Chan.

Hendri Liato’s Rating: 10/10

By Dan-O

When I first reviewed DM2 for this fine figure of a Jackie Chan website, I literally had just viewed it for the very first time. If you have had the displeasure of reading my initial review, you might have noticed that I was rather taken by it. It went somthing like this, “HOLEEE CRAP!! ABSOLUTLEY LEGENDARY!! Jackie Chan serves up a heapin’ helpin’ of 100% Grade A, farm fresh, home-made whoop-ass, and washes it all down with about 2 quarts of industrial alcohol!” That was almost 9 months ago. Flash forward to today. I’ve had some time to digest this film a wee bit more. To mull it over, to ponder it’s meaning in the universe as a whole. I still love this movie to death. If you consider yourself to be a Jackie Chan fanboy (or girl), you will do drastic things (such as taking hostages) to procure yourself a copy, legit or not.

But now I actually have somthing negetive to spew about this otherwise gorgeous piece of Hong Kong filmaking. First of all, after having seen TheYoung Master, it becomes blatantly appearant just how derivitive the final fight sequence really is. The wires kinda bugged me too (also from ths last fight scene). Yes I know, this is an acceptable style to Hong Kong audiences, but I just thought it looked out of place in a Jackie Chan flick. Anyway, why does anyone give a steaming pile what I have to say? I’m neither intelligent nor trustworthy. Just go watch the friggin’ film for yourself and formulate your own damn opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got at least one.

Dan-O’s Rating: 9/10 (nope, no cute rating today)

By Dr. Guajardo

When I heard that Jackie Chan was to make a film with the grandmaster of martial arts films Lau Kar Leung, I didn’t care what kind of film it was going to be as long as I got a chance to see two greats perform. I was not disappointed! The story, the acting, and of course, the fight scenes were top notch! This may well be one of the top ten martial arts films of all time! The story involves a young Wong Fei Hung(Jackie) stumbling upon a scheme by the British government to steal Chinese treasures as revealed to him by the last decorated Manchu soldier played by Lau Kar Leung. There are all kinds of twists and little subplots in the film (Fei Hung still trying to meet his father’s demands, his mother’s gambling, improving his drunken boxing, and so on) that eventually lead to a showdown with the villains.

The fight scenes are probably some of the best staged scenes since ‘Enter the Dragon’ and ‘Chinese Connection’ (and that says a lot!). To describe each and every fight scene would just take too much space. The two that stand out in my opinion however were Jackie fighting alongside Lau Kar Leung in a restaurant against what seemed to be about 300 hatchet carrying assasins. Incredible! The other that stands out is the final fight between the Jackie and the Brit’s top fighter at a steel factory. Jackie doesn’t get any better than this! It is hard to imagine how Jackie will top this one off because so far (in my opinion) he hasn’t. Reportedly there was friction between Jackie and Lau Kar Leung during the filming but you could never tell. Drunken Master II is a MUST HAVE for any Hong Kong, Kung Fu, or Jackie Chan fan! Get it while you can!

Dr. Guajardo’s Rating: 9.5/10

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Drunken Master (1978) Review

Posted on January 24, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Drunken Master" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Drunken Master” Japanese Theatrical Poster

Director: Yuen Woo Ping
Producer: Ng See Yuen
Cast: Jackie Chan, Simon Yuen, Hwang Jang Lee, Lam Kau, Dean Shek, Hsu Hsia, Linda Lin Jing, Tino Wong Cheung, San Kuai, Lee Chun Hwa, Chiang Kam, Fung King Man, Ho Tin Shing, Huang Ha, Max Lee
Running Time: 106 min.

By Mairosu

Is there any genre in this world more prolific than the Hong Kong martial arts one? For decades already the good folks from the ex-British colony delight us with their portraits of fearless heroes and evil villains, cheesy soundtracks, cheap “crash-swish-hack” sound effects and, most importantly, a roller-coaster ninety-odd minutes worth of sheer, harmless, moral-ridden bone-breaking fun.

But then again, there’s only that much clichés which you can swallow. A solid 80% of all kung-fu capers (well, okay, maybe I¹m exaggerating, but it does sound funny if you say something like that) work something like this:

* Young hero/hero/whatever knows good kung fu.

* Young hero/hero/whatever meets a better kung fu guy who beats him up.

* Young hero/hero/whatever goes into seclusion to better his skills.

* Young hero/hero/whatever mauls some local big shot to gain confidence.

* Young hero/hero/whatever meets that better kung fu guy from three lines before and takes his revenge.

And, sure ’nuff, Woo-Ping Yuen’s 1978. film Drunken Master doesn’t fall far from that standard, roughly looked at it. But…but – Drunken Master manages to be different, and it sticks out of the genre by implementing a genuine oriental brand of slapstick humour into the already worn out “kick flick” genre. And from what I hear, it may be also one of the first kung-fu films to come up with the above given filming pattern…although that’s debatable.

The movie tells us the story of young Wong Fei-Hong (played by then relatively unknown Jackie Chan), a Chinese folk hero in historical terms (who happens to be a staple topic of the Chinese film industry – later also played in a more “serious” role by Jet Li in Once Upon a Time in China franchise), and his shenanigans at his father’s martial arts college. Wong is a real rascal – he’s a talented fighter, but spends his free time in a more hedonistic fashion instead of perfecting his kung-fu, which comes back to bite him in the behind when he finally crosses the proverbial line of fatherly toleration and his dad decides to send him off to his uncle as a punishment. Now that might sound like a holiday trip to someone, but not to Wong – his uncle is no one else than the legendary “drunken master” Su Hua Chi (played by Siu Tien Yuen, father of the director Woo-Ping), who has his unique style of kung fu which is most effective when you’re well tanked with alcohol, and his training methods are no cakewalk either. To complete the story, insert an evil kung fu master come hired gun…err, fist called “Thunderleg” (Jang Lee Hwang, who’s quite frankly looking like a Cantonese 70s disco artist), who plays the role of the “better kung fu guy who beats the hero up” and gets arse-whupped in the end.

So as you can, highly substantial fare. But it’s all worthwhile when the kicks start flying. The martial arts on display are typically dazzling (director Yuen choreographed the fight sequences for all three Matrix films and worked on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as well) and the gentle touches of early Chan brilliance come into spotlight when he learns the “eight drunken gods technique”, and starts beating up baddies while stuttering about, drunk as a skunk which was let loose in a brewery. While Jackie will captivate you with his martial arts trickery, the real delight of the film is Siu Tien Yuen (who was – watch this – 66 years old at the time of the shoot), with his mop-like hairdo and a nose which would make Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer look ordinary, his arsenal of wacky kung-fu moves being a key part to his on-screen appearance. And can that be Bolo Yeung as the restaurant bouncer (I definitely saw that chest muscle routine before) ?

Drunken Master is the film which definitely buried Jackie Chan, the Bruce Lee heir apparent and gave birth to Jackie Chan, the drop-kicking comedian, such being an important landmark in the Asian cinema history. The humour, although evidently present, isn’t as polished as in later Chan films (Project A, Armour of Gods, Wheels on Meals), and the accent in this one is more on fights than on slapstick, but even so it’s well worth of rental and/or purchase. Beware of the Columbia Tri-Star DVD release which is reportedly five minutes shorter than the original and has an incomplete Cantonese voice track which is every now and then “filled” with English dialogue (nothing bad with the dub which is quite fine, just the language switch can be annoying sometimes).

Mairosu’s Rating: 8/10

By Ro

Finally I managed to get hold of a copy of this classic (my Blockbuster had it in the ‘Foreign-drama’ section! Go figure!). Yes, this is the one – the movie that made Jackie a star and changed the course of Hong Kong cinema forever. It’s pretty obvious why – at last Jackie is set free from the bad writing and directing and is allowed to relax and let his natural charm and charisma show. And boy, does it show! You can see the joy he took in the making of this film in every frame!

A lot has been written about this movie, so I won’t go into details. I just want to add that unlike some similar films (Snake In The Eagle’s Shadow & Fearless Hyena), this movie is funny all the way thru. It doesn’t get serious either during the training scenes or at the end like they do. In fact, in the final show-down fight between Jackie and the bad guy hit man, his master sits by the side of the field, shouting out techniques to use, for all the world like a drunken cheerleader. And when Jackie actually stops the fight at one point to confess that he never studied a particular one, he is roundly cursed and told to ‘improvise’! Priceless!!

Before I finish, just a word about the dubbing – it stank!!! I want to take out whoever is responsible for translating this film and shoot him! Do they really think that phrases like ‘Look at the chick’, ‘You’re a shithead’, and ‘Go clean toilets’ sound normal coming out of the mouths of these whatever century they’re supposed to be from men?

Anyway, you have to see this film, if only to see what started it all and see a naturally talented actor come into his own (he must have been naturally talented because he sure didn’t learn from ‘the director that shall be nameless’).

Ro’s Rating: 8/10

By Stockton22

Why do I love this movie?! Why?! I’LL TELL YA WHY! Well, there’s a number reasons, but to start, let’s cut to the to the true epicenter of it all. FIGHTING! To the uninitiated among you, Drunken Master is not a realistic looking fighting film. Rather, it’s typical of its 1970’s Hong Kong period Translation, its a cheesy, low-budget chopsocky flick. So, yes, a lot of the time you’ll see people fighting in that kind of staccato, stop-pop-and-pose chopsocky manner where one guy will block a punch or something and the two guys will hold that position for a second or two before they continue. Yeah, try fighting someone in real life like that, see how well that works.

You’d think that page one in the Shaolin Temple Handbook is “Don’t just stand there and let the guy hit you.” And yes, its all punctuated all those loud sound effects (the swoosh, the pop, et al). That being said, it’s about the best cheesy chopsocky flick you’re likely to see. This comic take on the youth of Chinese legend Wong Fei-Hung, is filled with, quite possibly, the most remarkable abundance of spectacular fighting choreography ever amassed into a single film. I’m saying, not only are the fight scenes great, there’s so many of them! Jackie seems to get into a fight everywhere he goes in this movie. If his teacher says, “Let’s go to town.” it means there’s gonna be a fight in town. I’ll put it this way, when I out for a quart of milk, I come back with a quart of milk. When Wong Fe-Hung goes out for a quart of milk, he’ll beat up two guys along the way and have big showdown with the cashier at the deli.

But another reason I love this movie is, because the fighting keeps you glued, all the cheesy overtones just seem like entertaining bonuses thrown into the whole mix. Example, during Jackie’s punishment through practice scenes, why is there this freaky Greek mandolin music playing? They used the same kind of music in just about every scene of “Hercules in New York,” but in that context it made a little sense. Another thing, all the villains in the movie have names that describe their talents and/or oddities, like a kung fu version of Dick Tracy. Just like Flat Top having a head with a flat top, our main antagonist is a guy with a powerful kick named Thunderfoot, played by Korean martial artist Wang Jang Lee, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Tony Orlando(Anyone ever see the two of them together? Me neither.). I guess that either his parents had foresight, or he adopted it along the way. My guess is he showed up a the office one day, and something like this happened:

* Phil: You know something Bob?

* Bob: What, Phil?

* Phil: I love to kick things. I really love it, I just kick things all the time. Kick kick kick. I’m a kickin’ fool. In fact, you might as well just call me Thunderfoot.

There’s also a guy with a really hard head, who, based on the way he introduces himself, was apparently raised on James Bond films. “They call me Rat. Ironhead Rat.” But my personal favorite is King of Sticks. What’s with this guy? They say, “Who are you?” and he says “KING OF STICKS!” First of all, anybody who proclaims himself to be the king of something has serious insecurity issues, and if there’s any doubt that that’s true, look no farther than Lord of the Dance Michael Flatly.

Second, this guy can’t fight without a stick? Jackie shows up at King’s (or is it Mr. of Sticks?) place, and the guy turns to his lackey and says “Get my Stick!” The next time you get into a fight on the street, see what happens when you say, “Hold up, I’ll fight you guys, but first I have to go home and get my stick.” Throw a Freudian interpretation of that into the whole mix and you got one screwed up bad guy. All this and: the buck-toothed waiter, the fact that in the dubbed version, instead of Fei-Hung, Jackie is called Freddy, Jackie gets hit butt kicked by an old lady, and so much more. I LOVE THIS MOVIE!

Stockton22’s Rating: 9/10

By Dead Channel

This one is pure gold. Of course it can’t touch the sequel in terms of moderness/dopeness, but that shouldn’t stop anybody from peeping the “roots”. Hah! It’s just fucking great the way Jackie gets his arse beat by his aunt without him even knowing who she is. Fei-Hong gets into all kinds of trouble in this one, quickly yet ultimately leading up to his dismissal. As mentioned numerous other times, this one is quite similar to Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow. I say because all the actors are the same, and they’re all playing the same parts!

The drunken boxing was held off until the final fight scene, where it isn’t even that explosive (of course, after Drunken Master 2, what is?) granted the time period (Dinasaur age-the 70’s ewwwww!). Hah, in all seriousness, this is the epitome of kung-fu cinema. This is the kind of shit that as a kid I waiting all week for – the saturday kung-fu movie. Remember the time? *Sneef* Anyway, check it out…by any means necessary suckerz!

Dead Channel’s Rating: 10/10

By DJ Nixon

Ok, let me say this, the plot stunk but the action is one of the best you will see in a Chan film. Even though Jackie not a really good kung fu fighter he still gets in some good fights through out the movie. I thought the funniest part was when Jackie ate all of the owner’s food and he didn’t have any money to pay for it, but one thing I don’t get is that the owner and his helpers always try to beat the guy up I he doesn’t pay his bill ( Heart of Dragon), my opinion is that thats pretty stupid but the more action the better. There are some good fights in the movie but the best are when Jackie starts drinking and then beat’s the guys up, and the final fight is the best. Go see this movie it’s definately one of Jackie’s best.

DJ Nixon’s Rating: 10/10

By Numskull

Looks like I’m one of the few who didn’t much care for this (white subtitles made illegible by the picture despite the letterbox format certainly didn’t help). Sure there’s lots of “fighting,” but it’s mostly those damn Buster Keaton routines where Jackie’s opponent is made to look like an absolute dipshit and there’s no serious combat. Plus, Jackie’s character is very diificult to sympathize with… in fact, he’s a reprehensible little prick. And then, towards the end of the movie, a character who we haven’t seen in an hour reveals his diabolical plot to mine Jackie’s father’s property for coal. Of course! From drunken fist kung fu to coal!! It’s where the movie was headed all along!!! This wasn’t a BAD movie but it was definitely disappointing in light of all the hype. I would much rather have spent my time giving the Spice Girls a fully interactive tour of a medieval torture chamber.

Numskull’s Rating: 6/10

By Snake

The old man in one of Jackie Chan’s earliest efforts wasn’t the only one who had too much to drink. The scriptwriters, and we use that term very loosely, must have been tanked when they came up the idea for this piece of nonsense. What I was able to gather from the terribly dubbed and horribly acted film is that Mr. Chan had to visit a fellow resembling Carl “Oldy” Olsen from the Conan O’Brien show for kung fu lessons in order to prepare himself for a climatic scene when he dueled it out with an Elvis impersonator. Elvis’ sideburns put up quite a fight, but the acrobatic Chan, who might have a career with the Flying Walendas should he seek a new line of work, was able to defeat Elvis after consuming mass quantities of some sort of bevergage that the Dukes of Hazzard wouldn’t even tramsport, let alone drink.

At an interminable 90 minutes, the film begs for fast fowarding after some 30 or 40 minutes. The unintended laughs come from the most part from a batch of sound effects that was left over from Three Stooges films. Where was Mo, Larry and Curley or even Shemp-don’t get me started on Joe Besser-when they were so desperately needed? Do yourself a favor and skip this film. Instead try one of Chan’s latest ventures where the sciptwriters are stoned instead of drunk. I always did some of my best work when I was wasted.

Snake’s Rating: 2/10

By David Bell

Mighty Peking Man, producer of this fine web page, asked me what I thought about Jackie Chan and I told him I like what I’ve see so far. So he asked me to write a review and he even offered to let me see one of his copies, so here we go. I went over to Jeff’s house and caught Drunken Master. Here’s what I could figure out from the movie.

First a guy that looks like Elvis says he’s taken a kung fu bounty on some guy and proceeds to kick his heiney in, culminating a freeze frame of Elvis kicking the guy in the chest with both feet to deliver the death blow. Which was kind of cool ’cause it looked like the “to be continued” last panel of an old issue of Tales of Suspense where Batroc the Leaper kicked Captain America right in the star on Cap’s chest (Don’t worry. In the next issue Cap wipes the floor with Batroc.). After the credits, Jackie’s practicing kung fu with his class but he decides that his teacher, this guy with a huge mole and more hair coming out of it than is on Bruce Willis’ head, is a real dork. So Jackie kung fu’s him all over the floor until Mole Man calls recess.

On the break the guys in Jackie’s class see a babe so they bet Jackie that he can’t get a kiss AND a hug. Why is the hug the second thing? I’ve hugged women I’ve barely met. But try getting a little lip action and that’s all she wrote. Anyway, Jackie cons her into a kiss and gets the hug when he scares her with a snake. The babe’s mother comes out and tells Jackie “Hey, that’s my daughter and did you know I was one of the original Solid Gold dancers?” But Jackie tells her that Donna Summer sucked so she disco fu’s Jackie all over the court yard. Upset that he got whupped by a woman, he sees a guy in a Good humor suit pay a dime for a piece of jade that an old guy is selling for ten bucks. When good humor refuses to pay up, he smashes the jade so Jackie teaches him a lesson in supply-side economics and does $100 in collateral damage to the old guys shack to get the ten bills out of the ice cream guy. Jackie goes home to find that the disco queen is really his aunt (which makes the kiss from the babe really weird since that’s his first cousin, but nobody thinks twice about it) and Good Humor’s father comes in to moan about Jackie not working and playing well with others.

So old man makes Jackie pretend he’s a Barco-Lounger and crouch with his arms out for three hours. but Jackie cheats and his dad says that it’s time for the big guns, his uncle is going to teach him kung fu. But Jackie hears that his uncle is badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junk yard dog, so Jackie runs away. He winds up in a restaurant where he tries to scam some food, but he gets caught and an oriental Arnold Schwartzenegger kung fu’s Jackie until he horks back up the whole meal. After Jackie’s last technicolor yawn, he’s rescued by the Drunken Master, who turns out to be uncle. He trains Jackie a little but Jackie runs away and meets up with Elvis. Elvis plays “Don’t Be Cruel” on rib cage and Jackie figures he better head back to his uncle, not only to train but because the old guy has the Beefeater.

The Drunken Master tries to get Jackie into the kung fu training but Jackie doesn’t care until they decide to run a three card monte con. This bald guy sees his rent go into the Drunken Master’s pocket and decides to deliver some vigilante justice. Jackie plays the drum solo to “Wipe Out” on the guy’s skull, and before the bald guy lapses into a coma he tells them, “I’m gonna get my big brother! Then you’ll be sorry!”. Then the Drunken Master makes Jackie pretend he’s Rocky Balboa and they do some training until the bald guy, moments away from the aneurysm, shows up with his brother stick man. Stick man does the job on Drunken Master because Jackie brought back Perrier instead of Stoli, but Jackie still manages to take him down. Then the Drunken master explains that the only way to fight is completely wasted because even if you can’t beat the guy at least you’re numb.

So they Rocky a little more and then Jackie does his drunk Rocky so we know he’s ready to face Elvis again. But Elvis is busy using his swivel hip fu on dad because the Good Humor guy’s old man took out a contract on him. Jackie shows up just in time, but Elvis whips out a little “Teddy Bear” ands starts winning. Then the Drunken master shows up, tosses Jackie a bottle of Jack Daniels and tells him “Make him pay for Kissing Cousins and a Change of Habit!” So Jackie drunk fu’s Elvis all the way back to “Jailhouse Rock” which even Jackie has to admit was not bad. And the whole family walks off into the sunset. Overall I have to say that I like Chan’s later stuff better than this. After ten minutes, as good as the choreography is, it really is all the same. The last third of the movie was viewed in fast forward and I don’t think I missed any of the plot.

David Bell’s Rating: 5/10

By The Great Hendu

I’ve heard all the raves so I just had to see it. Now that I have, (infact I watched it twice back-to-back), I can honestly say, THIS IS THE BEST CHAN MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!!! I am continually astounded by Jackie’s ability. This movie showcases everything. He uses snake and crane as well as all eight Drunken Gods methods. He also does an excellent job acting. The movie was well written, easy to follow and never had a dry moment. The production is lightyears ahead of Fearless Hyena or even Snake and Crane Arts of Shaolin. I love this movie. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go watch it again!

The Great Hendu’s Rating: 10/10

By Dan-O

Drink a little wine; kick a little ass; get down tonight! I was hesitant about renting this one. I kept having bad flashbacks of “To Kill With Intrigue” and that Fantasy Mission Crapola thing. But DAMN this was good. Lemme say that again, just because…; DAMN this was good. It was so damn good I bootlegged it. Hey, anybody else notice that you never actually see the old guy performing the really tricky moves; you only saw his back, never his face. Anyhow, as good as the fight scenes are in this lil’ gem, the dubbed dialogue was even more entertaining! Some of the better lines include “I THINK I’M HOOKED!!”… “You call that Gung-Fu?! Who the hell teaches you?” “MY DAD DOES!!!”… and who could possibly forget “A FART for the STICK KING!”.

Dan-O’s Rating: 10/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , |

Magnificent Bodyguards (1978) Review

Posted on January 23, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Magnificent Bodyguards" American Theatrical Poster

“Magnificent Bodyguards” American Theatrical Poster

Director: Lo Wei
Cast: Jackie Chan, James Tien, Bruce Leung, Wong Ping, Lau Ming, Wong Gwan, Lee Man Tai, Chui Yuen, Fang Fang, Ching Kuo Chung, Chu Siu Wa, Ko Keung, Mau Ging Shun, Shikamura Yasuyoshi, Wong Ching, Yau Pang Sang
Running Time: 78 min.

By Numskull

Another corny kung fu melodrama from the cinematic mastermind who brought us Killer Meteors and To Kill With Intrigue. This is far superior to those two, though… actually, I thought it was pretty enjoyable for one of Lo Wei’s cheese-flavored excretions. The only ones I like more are Dragon Fist and maybe Snake & Crane Arts of Shaolin. The general consensus on this movie is not good, but, it’s a permanent part of Jackie’s filmography and, much like the corn it’s filled with, it won’t go away no matter how hard you push…

From Lo Wei’s recycling bin: Jackie gets beaten up by a woman; Jackie’s father was killed by the main villain; Star Wars music (it was Lo Wei who first recognized John Williams’ star potential! Got that? Lo Wei! And then he runs off and signs a contract with George Lucas! Ingrate! Lucky for him he got in touch with Jimmy Wang Yu before the Triads got medieval on his ass!!!).

From Lo Wei’s acid trips: death by bell-ringing; a guy who supposedly has six fingers on each hand (they only had the budget to show ONE of his hands for 0.4 seconds); the synthetic face technology of “Darkman” hundreds of years before its time.

From Lo Wei’s intestinal tract: the toxic green smoke used to poison our heroes in the trap-filled temple. Justification for shooting this movie for 3-D: a weapon being thrust towards the camera; another weapon being thrust towards the camera; another weapon being thrust towards the camera; another weapon being thrust towards the camera.

From Lo Wei’s pre-production conversations with Jackie:

LO WEI: Here’s the script for our next movie. It’s called Magnificent Bodyguards. It will be so good, people will wait in mile-long lines to kiss my ass!

JACKIE (leafing through script): What the hell is so magnificent about this?!? It looks just like all the other movies we’ve done.

LO WEI: Not so… we’ll shoot it for 3-D and force people to wear those retina-damaging fashion accessories from the ’50s. And anybody who doesn’t like it can kiss my ass!

JACKIE: Yeah, whatever… but what’s this here about me doing Bruce’s yell? What a stupid idea!

LO WEI: I keep telling you, people want to see the next Bruce Lee! Even I’d like to see it, and the bastard had the nerve to run away after I told him to kiss my ass!

JACKIE: But I’m not a Bruce Lee type of person. Why can’t we put some humor in here instead?

LO WEI: What?!? Preposterous! If people want to laugh at the movie theater, let them stick the refreshment stand boy’s head in the toilet. I’m the boss of this company and people had better pucker up when I tell them to kiss my ass!

JACKIE: I don’t believe this. Suck my shlong Lo Wei!

LO WEI: You suck mine! And kiss my ass while you’re at it.

JACKIE: Grrr… all right, I won’t complain if you let me do a movie with Yuen Woo-ping after this one.

LO WEI: Kiss my ass and it’s a deal!

I wonder why this movie isn’t in any of those notorious 2-packs? If a Jackie Chan neophyte sees this next to a box of two equally panned movies for the same price, there’s really no decision to make…just like all of Lo Wei’s movies wtih Jackie, this is one block of cheese that won’t get better with age.

Numskull’s Rating: 6/10

By Alvin George

I can’t believe I paid two lousy bucks to rent this crap. “Magnificent Bodyguards” just happens to be the first Hong Kong movie to be filmed in 3-D, but that doesn’t make it much better. In fact, it’s even lamer than “Jaws 3-D.” The fight scenes often have parts where some object is thrust at the camera; I heard that Jackie Chan’s job as stunt coordinator was very difficult coz he had to concentrate on kicking and punching the camera, not the other guy.

Despite the fact that the video I saw was in Chinese (complete with oft-unreadable subtitles), I seriously doubt that I heard Jackie’s real voice. I must admit to not watching the whole movie. Since I am American and English is my first language, it was a sheer pain in the padded ass to sit through this shit and listen to people yell at each other in Chinese while the subtitles go off the screen.. Therefore, the fast-forward button became my best friend. In fact, I just skipped to the now-infamous fight scene toward the end where “Star Wars” music plays. It may be copyright infringement, but I felt better as memories of much better movies flooded my head.

Other than that and a scene where a woman’s face is torn to shreds by a sword, this movie sucks ass. I’d rather watch one of those various ninja films the Cannon Group churned out during the ’80s, or even watch “Jaws 3-D” all over again. Lame as the 3-D effects were on an ordinary TV screen, at least THAT movie had something to keep me going. (Read: a cute blonde woman in a scuba diver’s wet suit.) I should’ve known better than to rent a Jackie Chan movie that was directed by the notorious Lo Wei.

Alvin George’s Rating: 1/10

By Tyler

Another high flying adventure from Lo Wei. This is yet another attempt to mold a young Jackie Chan into Bruce Lee. The ending resembles the ending in the man in the iron mask (with somewhat of a twist). The only thing halfway interesting about the film is it was shot in 3D. You can really tell because every few seconds a weapon or a fist will thrust towards the camera.

Now for the highlights:

1. Bruce Liang
2. A catchy theme song
3. Star Wars music
4. A drunk woman
5. Wire and trampoline tricks
6. A six fingered merchant
7. Chinese magic that allows oneself to copy someone’s face

Tyler’s Rating: 3/10 – Corny movie watch it once for a good laugh

By Ro

This is a ‘period piece’ that I read some good things about so I rented it, basically because I was starved to find any Jackie Chan movie that I hadn’t seen yet that I could rent. Big mistake! I should have known better when the reviewer said that Jackie himself didn’t like it.

It’s boring, with a stupid plot. I know you shouldn’t hold plot deficiencies against it (God knows we don’t in any of his other movies), but who said life is fair? They also used a lot of ‘supernatural’ stunts using wires, like people jumping into craters the size of the Grand Canyon and landing on their feet. Why, I ask you, do they resort to this fakery when they have people who can practically do stuff like that for real!?!?! And the music is surreal! First, you hear a lot of Western music, and then in the middle, they play the theme from Star Wars!

If all that wasn’t enough for you to avoid the ‘M’ aisle of your favorite video store, the movie was made in 3-D!!! And it shows.

Ro’s Rating: 3/10

By Marcia

The initial fight scene with 3D effects should have warned me, but it wasn’t until the flying twins coming in to try to kick ass in the second scene that I realized it was one of “those” movies. I thought it was hilarious. (Consider the fact that I have a near-complete collection of Godzilla flicks, and take that last statement for what it’s worth.)

The plot’s a little twisted, there’s some blatant copyright violation, and the 3D fights can give you a headache, but I found it interesting that the straight man/trouble-maker/bumpkin trio seems to be universal. If nothing else, give Jackie kudos for not going insane trying to choreograph fights that have the fighters aiming at the camera as well as their opponents.

Marcia’s Rating: 6.5/10

By Jim Carrey

I like this movie even better the third time, you know after it was called the “Hidden Fortress” and “Star Wars”, now I’m not saying it was influenced, oh wait, yes it is, it even steals the “Star Wars” music used in the film.

Actually, this one is well known because it was actually made in 3D, and was the only time Jackie starred with one of those Bruce Lee copies, Bruce Liang.

It’s about… 90 mins. Jackie plays the greatest hand to hand fighter in the land (hey that rhymed), who is hired by this foxy chick to be a bodyguard for her sick brother. Jackie agrees, but only if he takes along his little friends, Bruce Liang – “master of legs” and James Tien – “master of sword”. He also takes along with him these two twin sword sisters (you think Royal Tramp had some inspiration), the foxy chick, and the sick brother who stays in a little carriage like Michelle Yeoh’s in “Butterfly & Sword”. The strange part is that no one is even allowed to see the brother – not even glance at him in the little carriage.

The reason for bodyguarding this brother is that they will be taking this invalid path in the mountains that contains all these deadly thieves. From there a battle of cool fights ensue, I’ll leave the rest to the viewer.

Now although I might have made the film sound bad when I was raggin’ on it in the beginning, I actually kind of liked it. I saw this film way after I had already seen all of Jackie’s greats and I still found interest in this one while watching it.

Even though the 3D goggles aren’t there, you still sort of get the same neat effect from the camera angles, plus, it only helps to have 3 great martial artists on the screen the whole time: Jackie and Bruce Liang did the action design.

It is definatly one of the best Lo Wei films along with Dragon Fist. Although I won’t give it away, there are quite a few unexpected surprises in this film. EXTRA — Bruce Liang also did the action design for Chow Yun-Fat’s “Rich and Famous”. It’s one of James Tien’s best performances and one of the suprises is that he actually isn’t really the bad guy.

Jim Carrey’s Rating: 6/10

By Dusty

Yup, another old chop-socky Jackie movie. This one is different though. This one, I thought, was actually all right. The subtitles fell from the screen once in a while, so I didn’t pick up on all the dialect.

Basically, it goes like this: Jackie needs to escort a “sick man” across the Stormy Mountains, from which none have survived. Jackie meets his two brothers on the way, and they go together. There are some strange entanglements, and Jackie’s little brother is pretty funny at times.

What stood out to me in this movie was the music. There was an actual theme song during the middle with words, and it was cool! Also, (and this is the strangest thing), in the middle of the movie, the soundtrack suddenly turns into Star Wars: A New Hope. I was ecstatic!!! However, isn’t this illegal? Using other soundtracks in your movie? It wasn’t just the opening title track. There were many tracks used in the last half of the movie.

Anyways, in true Hong Kong tradition, there is also a surprise ending, so don’t turn it off if you hate it! I liked this movie both because of my love for Star Wars and the cool ending.

Dusty’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , |

Gallants (2009) Review

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Jeff Bona
"Gallants" Hong Kong Theatrical Poster

“Gallants” Hong Kong Theatrical Poster

AKA: The Gallants
Director: Derek Kwok
Co-director: Clement Cheng
Cast: Wong You Nam, Teddy Robin Kwan, Bruce Leong, Chen Kuan-tai, Michael Chan Wai-man, Lo Meng, Jin Au-Yeung, Jia Xiao-Chen, Shaw Yum Yum
Running Time: 98 min.

By Jeff Bona

Cheung (Wong You Nam) is a nerdy loser who has a bottom-of-the-barrel job for a real estate company. His boss, who has had enough of his incompetence, gives him a special assignment: settling a property development dispute in a rural village.

This brings Cheung to the door steps of an old teahouse, that was once a kung fu school until its legendary teacher, Master Law (Teddy Robin Kwan), fell into a coma during a famous duel. The teahouse is operated by Dragon (Chen Kuan-tai) and Tiger (Bruce Leung), two of Master Law’s original students. Transforming the school into a teahouse was their way of keeping the school afloat while they eagerly wait for their sifu to awaken.

Meanwhile, trouble is brewing. A group of local thugs, connected to a shady martial arts competition, are after the real estate in which the teahouse stands. Miraculously, Master Law awakens in the midst of the sticky situation. Now Cheung, Tiger, Dragon, and a very confused Master Law, must bound together to keep their honor, dignity and the spirit of their school alive.

Gallants is a creative, trippy and nostalgic nod to kung fu movies of the 1970’s. It’s all here: the Joseph Koo-esque soundtrack, the fast zooming, and the crisp, pleasantly undercranked martial arts sequences. Even animated cut scenes designed to signify the impact of a kick or punch (comparable to Sonny Chiba’s X-ray head-smash in The Street Fighter) are thrown in to top off the film’s artistic flare.

Starring legendary actors/actresses and martial arts stars of yesteryear: Teddy Robin Kwan (Run Tiger Run), Bruce Leung (The Dragon Lives Again), Chen Kuan-tai (Executioners from Shaolin), Michael Chan Wai-man (Five Elements Ninjas), Lo Meng (Five Deadly Venoms) and Shaw Yum Yum (The Chinatown Kid). The fact that all these Hong Kong legends are in the same movie is a dream come true, especially if you’re a fan of the old school films they’re known for.

Teddy Robin Kwan nails his role like a champ. I admit, I haven’t seen him in a lot of movies, but I don’t think I would be out of line to call this one of his best-handled roles ever. To a similar extent, the same can be said about Chen Kuan-tai and Bruce Leung, who get the most “action” screen-time. Of course you have the new generation of talent: Wong You Nam (rising actor and member of music duo “Shine”), Jin Au-Yeung (aka MC Jin, hip hop musician turned actor) and Jia Xiao-Chen (model turned actress).

Directors Derek Kwok and Clement Cheng are perfect examples of some of Hong Kong’s more experimental filmmakers. Their humor lies somewhere between Stephen Chow and Mike Judge. Their filmmaking craft equals an inspired Quentin Tarantino and their thought process is that of a grown man’s love for a good ol’ kung fu flick.

Jeff Bona’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , |

Bio-Cops | aka Bio Cops (2000) Review

Posted on January 23, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Bio-Cops" Chinese DVD Cover

"Bio-Cops" Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Steve Cheng Wai Man
Writer: Szeto Cheuk Hon
Producer: Steve Cheng Wai Man
Cast: Alice Chan Wai, Chin Kar Lok, Lilian Chin Wai Ming, Stephen Fung Tak Lun, Hui Siu Hung, Benny Lai Chun, Sam Lee Chan Sam, Samuel Leung Cheuk Moon, Frankie Ng Chi Hung, Jude Poyer, Ronald Wong Pan
Running Time: 88 min.

By T-Style

Whoa, look at the cover, Stephen Fung and Sam Lee… can’t be bad, can it? I thought wrong. Bio Cops is a piece of shit! Oh man, I feel dumb sitting through the whole movie. “Zombies walking around biting people,” that should have been the movie description on the back of the box. Bio Zombies was much better in terms of casting, setting, story, zombies… and pretty much everything else. I can’t really think of anything that was good in this movie. Maybe that fine ass girl that played Bell. And maybe stupid zombie humor, like how one zombie said (yes they talk) “chew before you swallow” and “I’ll bite his head, you bite his ass.” And that fake hostage situation was pretty funny, but thats about it.

I would tell you about the story, but there isn’t one. I don’t even know how the zombies were brought into the movie, just because I missed about the first 5 minutes of the movie, which I’m guessing would explain the whole zombie situation. So, yeah… avoid this movie. Cheap-ass looking zombies walking around while having green shit come out of their mouth doesn’t impress me one bit.

T-Style’s Rating: 3/10

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Bio-Zombie | aka Bio Zombie (1998) Review

Posted on January 23, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Bio-Zombie" American DVD Cover

“Bio-Zombie” American DVD Cover

Director: Wilson Yip
Producer: Joe Ma
Cast: Jordan Chan Siu Chun, Emotion Cheung Kam Ching, Frankie Chin Chi Leung, Matt Chow Hoi Kwong, Bonnie Lai Suk Yin, Sam Lee Chan Sam, Ken Lok Tat Wah, Tam Suk Mui, Angela Tong Ying Ying
Running Time: 94 min.

By Alexander

Thank god for Angela Tong. Had she not been so damn pleasant to look at I might have ripped Bio Zombie from my DVD player and stacked it alongside Martial Angels and Naked Killer — both of the movies-I’ll-never-watch-again-as-long-as-I-live variety — in my closet. Fortunately, Tong co-stars with a really tight pair of shorts that get ample screen time amidst Sam Lee’s goofiness, the requisite lumbering zombies and a story so hollow George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead looks heavily layered and complex in comparison.

Aside from the pleasing sight of Angela Tong’s skin-tight wardrobe, Bio Zombie offers scant entertainment. It was obviously meant as a light summer film combining slapstick humor and over-the-top gore as evidenced by the DVDs festive box art (which is the second best thing about the film). But whereas the broad comedy patented by action star Jackie Chan actually propelled even the weakest of stories along, Bio Zombie’s attempts at humor simply involve the asinine antics of two miscreants and their rubbery, oft-contorted faces. Admittedly, Sam Lee is FAR less annoying here than in some of his later films (notably Gen-X Cops), but he’s annoying nonetheless. For example, a scene of Sam Lee picking his nose and wiping his “treasure” on Gordon Chan’s leather coat is NOT funny. It’s not. And no matter how many thousands of Hong Kong theater patrons laughed till they cried upon seeing Lee wipe his offending gift on Chan’s jacket, booger picking on film stopped being funny sometime between Animal House and episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Zombies terrorizing the occupants of a shopping mall is usually a promising premise (it also worked well in the fun ’80s undead flick Night of the Comet), but a paper-thin plot and an ending that rivals A Hero Never Dies’ in sheer lameness, kill what otherwise would have been a can’t-miss idea. There’s a brief attempt at explaining why zombies are terrorizing a largely unoccupied mall, but the set-up is so minimal it’s amazing the film had anywhere near enough material to reach 97 minutes. Plodding zombies (are there any other kind?) roam the narrow halls of a near-deserted shopping mall intent on feasting on the flesh of our bumbling cast who desperately seek a means of escape. Gore, lame sub plots and close ups of Angela Tong’s ass ensure, resulting in a conclusion so unsatisfying I actually had to skip back twice thinking I’d bought (!) yet another defective Mei Ah disk. Alas, the ending sucked (as does the alternate ending provided on this otherwise bare-bones DVD which, inexplicably, results in a conclusion so similar to the other one you have to wonder why anyone bothered filming both versions at all).

You could do worse than Bio Zombie (Sexy and Dangerous pops immediately into mind), but don’t expect to have anywhere near as much fun as the box art promises.

Alexander’s Rating: 4.5/10 (Angela Tong’s shorts: 10/10)

By Numskull

WARNING: This movie can fuck up your dreams. I mean it. The morning after I watched it, in that brief moment where the boundary between sleep and wakefulness is crossed, I caught a snippet of an otherwise forgotten dream where a white haired dude straight out of an old chop socky movie said (according to the burned-in subtitles…and yes, I know you’re not supposed to be able to read in dreams, but I say that’s a load of shit because I’ve done it loads of times):

“My kung fu is strong! With my new skills, you will soon find yourself playing the violin.”

I’m serious.

Bio-Zombie doesn’t have any kung fu or violins, and the subtitles are new and improved rather than being burned onto the picture, so don’t ask where the hell that came from. I’m not so sure I want to know, myself.

This movie taught me a lesson, too: Don’t judge a director too heavily based on one film. Wilson Yip, director of this amusing romp, is also responsible for Midnight Zone, a film so astoundingly stupid that it makes those old Lo Wei/Jackie Chan movies look like masterpieces on every level.

An unapologetically “just for fun” late-nite style flick, Bio-Zombie will no doubt be compared to any number of other zombie movies (especially Dawn of the Dead, due to the shopping mall setting), and with good reason…it features all the gore makeup and bimbos you would expect, and, as always seems to be the case with films of this nature, there’s one asshole character who yells at and disagrees with everyone else, and turns out to be the biggest wimp in the entire cast when high-pressure situations arise. In this case, the character is a shifty shopkeeper who is always telling his wife “You know nothing!” and refuses to utilize teamwork to escape from the zombie-infested mall. Most of the time, though, three other characters take center stage: Woody Invincible (Jordan Chan), a bootleg VCD merchant; Crazy Bee (Sam Lee), his partner in crime, who checks out a car mechanic’s testicles and wants to kill a man before he dies; and Rolls (Angela Tong Ying-Ying), a mallrat who spends the majority of her screen time cluelessly running around in a sleeveless top with no bra underneath and a pair of shorts consisting of almost nothing. When Woody and Bee rob her in a women’s’ bathroom without revealing their identitties…uh, identities, she suspects that they are the culprits anyway and decides to get to the bottom of things by getting Woody drunk and then seducing him…a task with which, unsurprisingly, she has little difficulty (even after throwing up on him). After that, though, she has to rely on them and the others to save her from the hordes of zombies (a few of whom are shown getting “infected” but most of whom pretty much pop up out of nowhere despite the fact that the mall is supposed to be closed), including Sushi Boy, a guy who works in a Japanese restaurant and, even in his zombified state, still has a “thing” for her (hmm…can walking corpses get erections? Better make that TWO “things”).

Bio-Zombie is certainly not without its flaws…the cop who gets sucked underneath the car has the most watery blood I’ve ever seen, and it’s somewhat less than shocking when a getaway car suddenly won’t start…but the good definitely outweighs the bad. The opening credits are cleverly done bootleg style, with irrelevant whispering and silhouettes on the screen captured by a shaky camcorder. The scene where Woody and Bee give fake alibis to a pair of cops has an unexpected twist that provides a great laugh-out-loud moment. And for some (presumably) unintentional humor, there’s the line: “You want my wife to eat your noodle?” Best of all is the scene where the protagonists take up arms against the rampaging zombies and we’re shown their “profiles” in a style similar to what you’d see for the various characters in a combat-based video game. Pity the text isn’t translated for those of us who can’t read Chinese (one of these days…).

The Mei Ah DVD (which won’t play from the beginning on my DVD player…I have to start at chapter 2 and then “search” back to about 1 minute and 25 seconds into it, after the production company logos are done and the actual movie starts) has two endings. One is included with the film, the other is accessed from the main menu as a separate feature. I’m glad they’re arranged in this way, because I definitely prefer the “main” ending to the alternate one. It’s less predictable and sets a cooler, more unique tone as the film concludes.

Some blood splattered here and there (and here, too…and over there…), a few good laughs, and more overall entertainment value than you’d find in many other similarly-themed flicks. I dig it.

Numskull’s Rating: 7/10

By Vic Nguyen

This hyper-stylized zombie flick is a surprisingly entertaining production, which can be described as Romero’s Dawn of the Dead on acid. Jordan Chan Siu-chun and Sam Lee Chan-sam star as a duo of pirate VCD salesman who inadvertantly plague Hong Kong with a race of flesh eating zombies. Finding themselves trapped inside a deserted shopping center, they must fend for themselves in order to escape alive. Inventive, flashy cinematography, along with fun performances, hilariously over-the-top situations, and great blood and guts action are just a few of the reasons that you should give Bio-zombie an hour and a half of your time.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , |

Big Heat, The (1988) Review

Posted on January 23, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Big Heat" Chinese DVD Cover

“The Big Heat” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Andrew Kam
Co-director: Johnnie To
Co-director: Tsui Hark
Cast: Waise Lee, Paul Chu Kong, Philip Kwok, Joey Wong, Stuart Ong, Michael Chow, Ken Boyle, Kirk Wong, Gordon Chan, Roy Cheung, Gwaan Gaam Ming, Kong Long, Peter Lai, Robin Shou, Tsui Hark
Running Time: 92 min.

By Numskull

The first half of The Big Heat is a big snore, and even when the story picks up, you’ll still be yawning and picking those optic boogers out of the corners of your eyes. Waise Lee has the lead role (big mistake) in a cop movie which is remarkable only because of its occasional moments of in-your-face gore. There aren’t many of them, but they do hit fairly hard (especially the body getting bounced from car to car).

Gay rights groups would just love the sub-plot about the tycoon taking great lengths to recover evidence of his homosexual activities. Apparently, fudge-packing is generally considered a more perverse activity in Hong Kong than it is in the US, and that lends a somewhat disturbing quality to seemingly innocuous lines like “You take one end, and I’ll take the other.”

Blood and guts aside, the film is painfully mediocre at best. Waise Lee and his fellow cops are totally uninvolving as protagonists, none of the villains really gets under your skin, the script plods, and nothing grabs you. Uninspired, unimpressive, unremarkable. I wish there was more to say about this film, but it’s so damn bland that I can hardly think of anything relevant to say.

A caveat for gore hounds, though: don’t make a big deal out of seeing this movie, expecting some blood-drenched masterpiece of carnage. The gory bits are few and far between.

You know that Far Side cartoon where there’s a bunch of penguins standing around, and they all look alike, and one of them is singing “Oh, I gotta be me, I just gotta be me”? That’s what this movie reminds me of. In a sea of Hong Kong cop thrillers with interchangeable story elements and characters, this one is standing up, making a pitiful attempt to be noticed, waving its arms around and grunting like a frustrated child trying to get the teacher to call on it because it knows the answer to the question that’s baffling the bigger kids. Well, you know what happens to movies like this? That’s right, they get beaten up and robbed of their lunch money during recess by movies with more muscle….and somehow, I doubt The Big Heat would have the balls to show up at school the next day with a submachine gun. Don’t let the extra gore fool you into thinking this movie is special. It does not deserve your support.

Numskull’s Rating: 4/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , |
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