“The Cannonball Run” Japanese Theatrical Poster
Director: Hal Needham
Cast: Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Farrah Fawcett, Dom DeLuise, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jack Elam, Adrienne Barbeau, Terry Bradshaw, Jackie Chan, Bert Convy, Jamie Farr, Peter Fonda, George Furth, Michael Hui, Johnny Yune, Molly Picon, Jimmy ‘The Greek’ Snyder
Running Time: 95 min.
By Numskull
The infrared sureillance device in Jackie’s computerized race car may be “the cat’s ass”, but this movie certainly isn’t. It’s more like the cat’s bloody stool. We have major problems here. Captain fucking Chaos?!? Who’s the brain-dead pile of shit disguised as a human being whocame up with that?!? This fat guy, who is probably taking it up the ass from Burt Reynolds’ character when the camera’s not on them, runs around in a hood and cape yelling “DUN-dun-DUUUUNNNN!!!” while K.O.ing bad guys with one punch, probably so he can go down on them while they’re helpless. Would that mass fight scene have gone any faster if the bikers had just thrust their asses into the air so he could get what he wanted without a struggle? Who knows. What else, you ask? Well, Jackie and his partner play Japanese guys who talk to each other in Chinese. Brilliance. There is, however, a simple expolanation for this:
- Cannonball Run —> made in 1981
- 1981 —> Ronald Reagan in office
- Ronald Reagan —> Popularization of “Kill a Commie for your mommy” mentality
- 1981 China —> Communist regime
- Chinese film character depicted as anything other than evil incarnate —> Mass rioting in American movie theatres
The last and biggest class one fuck-up here is a plot hole big enough to stroe all the vomit produced by two dozen fanatical Jackie Chan followers after watching this movie. When the race begins, all the teams start about a minute apart and are told that the winner will be determined not by who is first to cross the finish line but by who has the punch card with the smallest difference between the “start” and “finish” times. So, when the end is in sight and everybody is on foot, what do they do? They start yelling things like “Hurry! If we’re the first ones to cross the finish line, we win!” After 90 minutes of this drek, I guess brain cells get worn out. And so does patience.
Numskull’s Rating: 3/10 (would have gotten 2/10 if not for the proctologist and his finger…watch it for him, not for Jackie!)
