Beast Cops (1998) Review

Posted on January 2, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Beast Cops" Danish DVD Cover

“Beast Cops” Danish DVD Cover

Director: Gordon Chan
Co-director: Dante Lam
Cast: Anthony Wong, Michael Wong, Stephanie Che Yuen Yuen, Kathy Chow, Sam Lee, Patrick Tam, Roy Cheung, Arthur Wong, Raven Choi, Michael Lui
Running Time: 104 min.

By Tequila

Beast Cops, for me, was the best film out in 1998, just beating Milkyway’s fantastic and even more seedy The Longest Nite at the post.

Why? Well, the acting (from award winners Anthony Wong and Patrick Tam to the lesser roles of Roy Cheung and the excellent Stephanie Che, nominated for an award in this, her first film) is completely first rate. I would say that Anthony Wong has put in his best performance to date here, with some fantastic thespianism (ooh!) and anyone who’s seen Beast Cops knows what I mean when I mention the balcony scene with Stephanie Che. I think that some of the praise heaped on Michael Wong here is a bit overdone as he doesn’t really DO anything of note as an actor but he fitted the role like a glove and the character development is all done visually (he shoots to kill as an SDU, drives a Hummer, smokes cigars, solves things “The American Way” – shoot everyone). Sam Lee is great in his second film and an interesting note is Gordon Chan gave him time off so he could finally finish his electrician’s course in college. Kathy Chow offers great support in a breakout role that should get here away from the “girl next door” stereotype, but I fear it’s too late for the excellent Roy Cheung who was pigeonholed years ago unfortunately. Patrick Tam shows that he’s one to watch as he turns in a great performance as the youngblood who doesn’t give a damn.

And that brings me on to the next point of the film. On the surface, Beast Cops is corrupt cops and triads with a shake up that provides the action, but look deep and Beast Cops is unique. The comment on youth – no one cares about the kid Michael Wong just shot and arrested; everybody loves violence until it is used against them, the young triads pissing their pants and hiding under baskets as a drug-addled and blood soaked Anthony Wong storms around singing and holding his blade in the air. The use of Ecstacy and steroids by on duty cops who openly use whores and have evidence of other business out of work (Tung’s house, full of arcade machines, cornershop coolers and boxes of old stock) is shocking as it is the first time it has ever been shown to my knowledge and it gives a whole new meaning to the term “bent cop”. As a comment on HK’s seedy underworld, Gordon Chan and his team have done a great job.

Chan’s direction and screenplay are other big, big plusses. Chan is one of those unique directors who can have a film that is as deep as you want it to be, as throwaway as Young and Dangerous (albeit better) or deeper than classics like A Better Tomorrow. Chan never shouts at his players and knows what they are going to do, sitting down with them for a chat rather than giving them 30 seconds and multiple takes and so he gets the best from them and it is one reason why he is becoming one of my favourite directors. His style of filming makes the visual aspect very striking, with harsh lighting and small amounts of slow-mo that really enhance the film – the result being brutal yet almost anime style action that really gets you riveted to the screen. Chan makes the kind of movies I want to make and he is an inspiration. Beast Cops is never dull during even the most trivial of scenes because it looks so damn good. With a budget lower than that of the catering for your average Hollywood production, Chan has worked miracles.

The finale is the part of this movie that will be the most talked about in years to come, but with good reason. Chan’s aim here I believe was to make a dig at those Triad pictures that glorify the violence, as the blood flows at an amazing pace but it is never unbelievable and it would certainly discourage potential Triads from getting into knife fights. The visuals are fantastic and the look on Anthony Wong’s face as he charges toward Pushy Pin Wah immortalizes his performance – the rage is so believable. The morale of the combatants is also used by Chan, as he has the cocky Pushy Pin turn into Pussy Pin when Tung laughs while gripping the blade of his machete bare-handed. The final showdown is almost Kurosawa-like because of this. The next twist in the plot is never predictable in Beast Cops, as it goes against the norm so many times.

Beast Cops is a movie that both nerdy movie buffs and stupid inbreds can get enjoyment from, even more so than Star Wars (more specifically The Empire Stikes Back) and that is a big stamp of approval from someone who has seen that certain film 20 odd times. It is a brilliant spectacle.

And as a bonus, is contains the immortal name Punk-Punk. I’m calling MY kids that.

Tequila’s Rating: 10/10 – A classic movie, one of the best of the nineties.

By Alexander

Early in the film, Anthony Wong’s character says “I am a…I’m a cop!” You’d never know this, however, as he doesn’t do anything in “Beast Cops” that’s even remotely cop-like. His partner, played by Sam Lee, is also very un-cop-like and not just because of his trademark frizzy ‘fro. Both enjoy the whores, drinking, smoking, gambling, protecting neighborhood triads, and generally being admitted lazy-asses throughout the entire film. Not that all police officers in real life are virtuous crime-fighters with huge hearts of gold. I’m sure they enjoy their vices too. In fact, living in L.A., I hear stories all the time about cops stealing cocaine from evidence lockers; cops beating the hell out of innocent teens simply for wearing baggy clothing and bandanas; and cops who spend a few too many of their overtime dollars in establishments like Deja Vu Showgirls. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong with portraying unsavory policemen in a movie aptly titled “Beast Cops”. However, what irked me most about this film wasn’t the general do-nothingness of Lee’s and A. Wong’s characters, but rather the general do-nothingness of the usually heroic Michael Wong.

M. Wong, a favorite of mine despite his monotonous delivery and expressionless responses to both romantic advances and guns being held to his head is supposed to join forces with A. Wong and Lee to vanquish some local triads. He drives a menacing Hummer, wears cool outfits (Banana Republic?) and grimaces on cue. He is supposedly thrust into A. Wong’s life to whip the cop led astray into shape. However, despite the fact he drives a big-ass black Hum-Vee (a Hum-Vee in Hong Kong! How cool is that?!); despite the fact he can score the head whore simply by looking cool (the HEAD whore by simply looking COOL!); despite the fact it’s even Michael “I’m in Every HK SDU Movie” Wong, he inexplicably fails to bring the expected discipline and morale to A. Wong’s unit. And not because M. Wong is particularly wooden here, but because his character is severly under-written. Whose ass inexplicably gets kicked the most in “Beast Cops”? Michael Wong! And he’s ex-SDU! WTF?!

Anyway, maybe I’m getting too bent out of sByhape about how M. Wong’s character is portrayed in “Beast Cops”. Because despite this, “BC” is an enjoyable, refreshingly well-written film that includes some of the best dialogue I’ve ever heard in a HK film. All of the performances (even M. Wong’s) are commendable. The violence is kept to a minimum until the final third when all hell breaks loose and knives are frequently thrust into the exposed necks of many a victim. I won’t mention the ridiculous sub-plot involving a triad boss and his love of custard cups or the equally ridiculous collection of silly-monikered gangsters like Man-dick, Custard Thui, Big Fucking Brother and Pushy Pin.

Despite the film’s flaws, this is definitely a must-see for any fan of the HK “heroic bloodshed” genre. Hell, it’s a must-see for ANY fan of intense, well-acted, well-written detective tales. Recommended.

Alexander’s Rating: 8/10

By Numskull

Beast Cops: A breath of fresh air after being stuck in an overflowing port-a-potty all day.

Much of the film strives for in-your-face realism to the point where you feel like a fly on the wall observing real-life events. It’s not slick, it’s frank. The world in which it takes place bears a much stronger resemblance to the one in which we actually live than those presented by many other films, Hong Kong and otherwise.

No elaborate kung fu bouts…just people beating the shit out of each other. No dazzling swordplay…just people getting cut and stabbed from behind and bleeding into their shabby clothes. No storybook romance…just people exercising their genitals and spending time together out of loneliness, not affection. No condoms within easy reach when you need them…just…well, mustn’t give too much away.

Sometimes the impression Beast Cops gives is more like that of a documentary than a drama, and not just because the actors sometimes turn towards the camera and speak directly to the audience. It’s also because, in a good number of scenes, the camera holds still and there’s no music…thus, the performers don’t have all the additional perks that cinema typically provides in order to get the point across. Nothing is rammed down the viewer’s throat; instead, we’re given a chance to look in on these cops, as if through a one-way mirror, during some of their most private moments, instead of just the glamorous, heroic parts of their lives where they save the day, get the girl, and walk off into a nauseatingly cheerful sunset.

Michael Wong, not as flat as usual, is a consummate cop who drives a Hummer (in the days before the Suburban Yuppie Mommies of the world started switching over to them, having decided that their SUVs just didn’t hog enough of the road). Anthony Wong is more charismatic as a less admirable character, a cop who freely indulges in Hong Kong’s seedy night life. Also, Kathy Chow is quite good as the emotionally unstable Yo Yo, a woman who dresses like those 13-year old sluts who get sent to boot camp on daytime talk shows, and Sam Lee and Roy Cheung fill their smaller roles nicely.

While not categorically an action movie, Beast Cops has a share of adrenaline-charged sequences that don’t hold anything back. The most memorable part of the movie by far is when Anthony Wong attacks the treacherous young gangster Pushy Pin in an alcohol-fueled frenzy…he gets stabbed and bludgeoned and shot and beaten around like a human pinball but he absolutely refuses to fall over and die like he ought to because his thirst for blood is just that damn strong.

Whether you’re tired of straightforward, balls-out HK action flicks or not, Beast Cops is well worth 110 minutes of your time.

Numskull’s Rating: 8/10

By Vic Nguyen

Sweeping the 1998 Hong Kong film awards this past year (including best picture and best screenplay), the Special Administrative Region’s films in 1998 have never been better than Beast Cops. This latest work from Gordan Chan Kar-seung and his protege Dante Lam is an immensely entertaining character study, layered with shining performances, bouncy camera-work, and an intelligent script with heavy doses of wit and humor.

*SPOILER WARNING* The films plot centralizes around a decorated cop named Michael Cheung (Michael Wong Man-tuk). Cheung has been appointed to the anti-triad division of the force, and subsequently moves in with his cohorts, Tung and Sam (Anthony Wong Chau-sang and Sam Lee). Sam is the slacker-type who drives around in a scooter, and prides himself as the “ladies man”. Tung is a pleasure seeker who’s quick mouth makes himself popular with his aquaintances. This feature makes himself especially popular with a local triad group, with whom he’s working for. As Tung shows Michael around the various hangouts littered in Hong Kong, he brings him to a popular triad spot, where Michael meets, and eventually falls for Yo Yo (Kathy Chow), a hooker who has been left behind by the local dai go who promised to run away with her. This dai go, or big brother (Roy Cheung), who is a friend of Tung’s, had fled to China in order to escape an unintentional murder rap. As big brother is gone, his sai lo, a young, arrogant triad named Pushy Pin, takes it upon himself to over. Pushy Pin has his own type of infatuation with Yo Yo, and unsurprisingly, is furious to hear of Michael and Yo Yo’s relationship. He attempts to have Michael “bumped off”, but his efforts falter. This is where the film takes a sharp turn in the other direction when big brother returns, only to be killed by Pushy Pin himself. Every single twist and turn ultimately leads up to the over-the-top conclusion, where it pits everyone, more particularly Tung and Pushy Pin, in a no-holds-barred knife and fist fight. *END SPOILERS*

As mentioned before, the main reason that drives Beast Cops ahead from the rest as one of the best of 98 is because of it’s script, which was jointly written by Chan Hing-kai (A Better Tomorrow, Hitman) and Gordon Chan. The screenplay manages to blend drama and violent action with scenes of hilarious, and often dark comedy. The film even takes a documentary turn, in which the actors speak to the camera, therefore breaking the fine line between them and the viewer. Hell, even the typical romantic subplot doesn’t drag the film down (like so many other Hong Kong movies, ala Black Mask), in fact, it provides a good chunk of the humor (a particularly memorable scene features Wong desperately searching for a substitute for condoms).

As mentioned in plenty of other reviews, the title Beast Cops, often misguides the viewer, leading them to believe that the film is a hardcore action film, in the tradition of other Gordon Chan Kar-seung efforts, like the Option series (which also stars Michael Wong). Instead, they are treated to a character study, leaving very little room for over-the-top action. Instead, realism sets in, and once again, they take the documentary turn, as a handheld camera bounces around shooting all the carnage that surrounds it. Of course, those gore hungry fans who are disappointed in the limited action sequences that Beast Cops offers will definitely not be disappointed in the gore factor. The film’s action, especially the finale, features plenty of brutal stabbings and shootings, in the tradition of Hong Kong cinema. The finale is a prime example, as Tung is literally drenched in blood by the end, although I might gripe that it gets a bit too over-the-top, with derivative, music video music in the tradition of hacks like Brett Ratner (not to say that Gordon Chan is at the same level as Ratner, Chan is eons ahead when it comes to talented filmmaking)

Whew! While citing the superb script and how not to view Beast Cops for the action, I forgot to mention my single favorite element to the film, the powerful and superb performances. Wait a minute, powerful and superb performances and Michael Wong don’t go together. Wong, who is undoubtebly the most criticized actor in HK cinema history, breaks that typecast by delivering the best performance of his entire career. His use of the English dialogue to get around the tougher Cantonese phrases is used to a minimum here, and he manages to stand out during his key sequences. But as much as he stands out, he cannot, even on his best day, make himself stand out when the great Anthony Wong Chau-sang is on screen. Wong, who appears a bit bloated in this film (due to the fact of an illness he is recovering from), is the strongest out of the ensemble cast. His lines are delivered with his characteristic wit and sarcasm. His dramatic scenes are also well handled, making this an all around jaw dropping performance. Add this to one of the many awards Wong has received for best actor. The actor who plays Pushy Pin (I forgot his name), is also impressive, and earned the film another award, a Best Newcomer trophy at the ceremonies this year. Sam Lee, whose appearence is reduced to a small role, gets some funny scenes, and basically provides some of the comic relief the film contains. Kathy Chow is very effective as Yo Yo, while Roy Cheung for once doesn’t play an irritating bad ass (from his work with Ringo Lam), and settles down to deliver a restrained and impressive performance. To sum it all up, none of the cast disappoints the least bit.

With 1998 long past, in my opinion, nothing in Hong Kong has ever topped Beast Cops. Although Milkyway film companies The Longest Nite comes close, it’s tiny subtitles have taken the enjoyment factor out of me. Beast Cops is a pleasant change of pace in a cinematic community where Hollywood films are currently dominating the territories own box office receipts. With Hong Kong’s decline in the quality of films, Beast Cops (and virtually every Milky Way production) is a step in the right direction. Ever since I read the first wave of reviews for the film, I have been anxiously awaiting the day when I finally saw it. Let’s just say I share the enthusiasm contained in most of the reviews, and that the wait was well worth it.

(Note: The sources that I viewed this film under were the Megastar VCD and it’s far superior DVD (duh). Although the VCD is LBX with readable subs and a trailer, the DVD blows it away in every aspect, and is well worth the extra money. The picture is sharp, with slim to nil artifacts. The Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack is intense and mindblowing, and is far from the screwjobs that the company has released previously. Extras on the disc include trailers for Gordon Chan’s other works (Stephen Chiau’s starring vehicle King of Beggars, Michael Wong’s First Option, Dante Lam’s directorial debut Option Zero, and the Beast Cops trailer are featured), with a music video montage for other Media Asia releases, and some behind the scenes footage, activated when you view each individuals bio. Chapters are included, but are sparse, including only 9. Optional languages include Cantonese, Mandarin, and an English dub that is horrible to hear, and makes the film seem cartoonish. You can activate multiple remastered subs, which include English. )

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 9/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , |

Treasure Hunt | aka American Shaolin (1994) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Treasure Hunt" Chinese DVD Cover

“Treasure Hunt” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Jeff Lau
Cast: Chow Yun Fat, Wu Chien Lien, Gordon Liu, Philip Kwok, Chin Han, Choi Yue, Roy Chiao, Michael Wong, Giorgio Pasotti, Jun Kunimura, Jeff Lau
Running Time: 105 min.

By Numskull

“Lag.” Verb. To fall behind; to straggle; to fail to keep pace. In other words, to proceed at an inadequate rate.

Treasure Hunt lags.

Boy, does it EVER lag.

It lags so much, it sets a new standard in lagging.

Lag, lag, lag.

It lags by day, it lags by night. It lags so much, it’s out of sight. It lags left and it lags right. It takes lagging to a whole new height.

Yes sir, this movie sure does lag.

So, anyway…

Chow Yun-Fat plays a cop or a secret agent or whatever living in the United States, and he gets sent to China, and he’s supposed to find some treasure, and he stays at the Shaolin Temple, and there’s a nosy fat kid, and he gives the nosy fat kid his Game Boy, and the Game Boy actually has a cartridge in it unlike the Sega Game Gear in Rumble in the Bronx, and there’s a girl with supernatural powers, and she takes Chow Yun-Fat flying through the snow in a scene that lags and lags and lags and lags and lags and lags and lags and lags and lags and lags, and by the time the plot has actually taken a step forward the movie is half over. There’s one funny scene where a cab driver thinks Chow wants to fuck a donkey, and there’s the obligatory “show the kid’s ass” scene, and there’s a shootout where Chow pulls a shotgun out of nowhere, and there’s some hand to hand fighting, and then there’s more shooting, and there’s way too much romance. The details aren’t worth getting into.

Normally, I have a long attention span, but this friggin’ film knew just the right buttons to push to make me want to stop watching it and pretend that I finished it for review purposes. (Despite appearances to the contrary, I DID, in fact, watch the whole thing…except for the last 20 seconds or so, because the DVD began to skip and then totally stopped. Big loss.) A tear-jerker ending is set up reasonably well, and then almost immediately gets knocked down by a lame, commercialized conclusion. In a better movie, this would have annoyed me. In this movie, I was just happy the damn thing was over.

Numskull’s Rating: 4/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , |

Twin Dragons (1992) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Twin Dragons" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Twin Dragons” Japanese Theatrical Poster

Director: Ringo Lam
Co-director: Tsui Hark
Cast: Jackie Chan, Maggie Cheung, Nina Li Chi, Teddy Robin Kwan, Johnny Wang, Guy Lai Ying Chau, David Chiang, Jamie Luk Kim Ming, Kirk Wong
Running Time: 100 min.

By Numskull

One thing you have to admit about Jackie Chan, whether you like him or not, is that he’s not afraid to admit it when one of his movies is a disappointment. Besides the Lo Wei years (his own personal dark ages), he has gone on record and criticized several of the films in which he has starred, including Thunderbolt and Rush Hour (“Too much talk, not enough action.” My God! Somebody else noticed!!!). Some people have accused him of playing favorites and crediting only those films directed by himself and sometimes Sammo Hung and Stanley Tong as his “best.” Well, look at it this way: which double bill would you rather watch, Project A and Police Story or City Hunter and The Big Brawl?

I rest my case.

Twin Dragons…not one of Jackie’s favorites and certainly not one of mine…is substandard but still moderately enjoyable Chan fare, with an ungodly amount of lame mistaken identity humor and a huge cast of characters (many played by HK cinema notables) who never stop to think that maybe, just MAYBE, there is somebody out there somewhere who looks like this guy they’ve been talking to or beating up or whatever…instead, they chalk up “his” tendency to seemingly travel from one side of a room to the other, change clothes, change hair style, and get “his” ear pierced all in the blink of an eye to “blurry vision.”

The way the Jackies swap female companions reeks of American Saturday morning cartoon show. The “mannered” Jackie seems to have no qualms whatsoever about letting Maggie Cheung into his car and…well, uh, okay, I guess that’s not a very good point. Still…lame.

Action is somewhat lacking here, but what’s there is generally pretty good. The final battle in the vehicle testing facility brings back fond memories of the days when Jackie would fight a bunch of people at the end of one of his movies, rather than running amok in a monster truck or hovercraft or whatever. The beaten-to-death mistaken identity aspect rears its ugly head here, too, but doesn’t detract too heavily from the ass-kicking.

All in all, a lesser latter-day Hong Kong effort from the esteemed Mr. Chan, but preferable to anything with Brett Ratner’s name on it. To get a good sense of how annoying the obligatory twin humor can be, read this review twice.

Numskull’s Rating: 6/10

By Ro

Jackie plays twins, separated at birth. One is a mechanic (Boomer), who can fight; and the other is a world class conductor (John), who can’t. Some gang boss wants Boomer to participate in a car race and of course they keep trying to kidnap the wrong guy. The twins wander around Hong Kong for a while before they discover each other. The plot’s pretty silly and some of the mixed identity stuff drags on too long, but most of it’s funny and on the whole, the movie’s still a lot of fun.

The scene at the end in the car testing facility is wonderful! We all know that Jackie never gets in a car normally, but in this scene he shoots out of the window and kicks somebody in mid air! Wow!! Jackie overdoes the low- class Boomer, but he gets to show off his acting muscles in playing the laid back, sophisticated John perfectly! Who says he just ‘mugs for the camera’? Another plus – this film includes the best love scene in a Jackie Chan movie (that I’ve seen so far) – the incredibly sweet kiss shared by John and Barbara at the piano. One negative, Jackie doesn’t dub his own voice and the one they used is perfectly awful!

Ro’s Rating: 6.5/10

By Master of the Stick

I’d heard good things about this movie, so I was pretty excited to find it on the bargain shelf at my local Borders bookstore. However, when I got home to watch it, I found that I had been duped! “Original Subtitles,” my ass! The sound also faded in and out, and the screen was filled with lines of white snow – the tracking did nothing. It’s a damn shame buying Jackie Chan films is such a gamble. Anyway, before I went back to Borders and gave the clerks hell, I figured I’d watch the whole thing. (After all, a poorly dubbed, muffled sounding, extremely fuzzy Jackie Chan movie is still a Jackie Chan movie.) Well, it was worth watching, but I’m not about to go buy another copy.

The fight scenes were cool, though few and far between, and there were some decent action sequences. Unfortunately, the weird attempts at humour just weren’t very funny, and the whole twin thing was stupid. It’s a pretty unoriginal concept, and it wasn’t done very well in my opinion. Maybe it’s the the fact that I got gypped, but I really didn’t like this movie very much.

Master of the Stick’s Rating: 5/10 (7/10 if you’ve got a good copy)

By Marcia

OK, it’s stupid, but you had to know that just by looking at the title and the cover art. You also had to know there were going to be the obligatory mistaken identity gags. Even the twin-A-does-and-twin-B-feels schtik is predictable, and though usually annoying, makes for a good lewd comment when the two first meet up in the hotel bathroom.

Actually, I’m surprised that the Boomer character flew at all with Jackie’s audience (OK, it was the fighting that saved him), considering his ultra nice guy reputation. Maybe the smokin’, drinkin’, womanizin’ Jackie was acceptable in context because there was the contrasting “every woman’s dream guy” (so the producers hope) Jackie as well. Whatever the reason, I thought it was kind of a nice change of pace and allowed Jackie to showcase two very different sides of his public appeal (great fighter, “sweet” guy). Don’t go watch this if you’re looking for something even remotely serious; unless you go in expecting it to be one bad cliche after another, you’ll be disappointed. Otherwise, it’s surprisingly good.

Marcia’s Rating: 7/10

By Shazbot!

The film opens up with good action and a serious tone and deviates into slapstick, almost farcical. It might be less annoying subtitled. The best element of the film is the running gag (which doubles as the plot) of mistaken identity with girls, friends and enemies. The best bit is in the apartment bathroom (The Marx brothers would’ve been proud). The movie ends with the greatly underrated battle in the auto plant, which is also a great comedy bit. JC plays his most arrogant and confident character here. He looks like he enjoyed it. The effects are decent, and not nearly as bad as JC pans them. It don’t look fake- as least not on grainy EP VHS.

Shazbot!’s Rating: 7/10

By James H.

I was at Wal-Mart recently. While there, I happened on a big bin of movies on sale for $4.88. So the curious fellow I am, I looked through. To my surprise I found “Twin Dragons.” Hot damn, I thought. So I quickly bought it and I was on my way. (Note: other titles in the bin were “Fearless Hyena” and “Fantasy Mission Force.”) I must say there was some sort of hype to this movie, at least in my mind anyway. Having two of the biggest names in the Hong Kong film industry (Tsui Hark & Ringo Lam) directing this movie meant it was big. Despite the half-assed dubbing, I was very impressed. Jackie’s acting was great, doing double time as twins. Let’s also not forget Maggie Cheung putting in a great performance and looking as sexy as ever.

It has all the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster: action, comedy and romance. The mix of action and comedy was perfect, almost too perfect. Near the end of the film, it was as if they were laying it on a little too much. Generally, the scenes with two Jackies were hilarious as were the scenes of mistaken identity. The action is top notch: boat chases, car chases, shoot outs, and plenty of fist fights. This one’s got it all. The fight at the Mitsubishi car testing area was flat out amazing. The choreography was very good as well.

Before I mentioned that there was some romance in the film. It’s something that usually isn’t in a Jackie film, and in this one it worked quite well. The scene with Jackie (as John) and Maggie at the piano was one of the best in the movie. “Twin Dragons” is a great piece of Jackie that everyone should see it’s plenty of fun for the whole family. For $4.88, something has to be too good to be true, and to my dismay, there were no outtakes during the credits.

Note: My copy is the full 100-minute version, distributed by Front Row Entertainment. Check your local Wal-Mart now for more Jackie!

James H’s Rating: 8/10

By Sean Johnson

Chan plays two parts in this slapstick comedy about twin brothers seperated at birth. One is a Hong Kong mechanic (Boomer), the other is a world famous conductor from NY (John Ma). Things get wild when the two meet up with each other in Hong Kong while Boomer’s having trouble with the cops, and John just wants to give a concert. Once the two find each other things get crazy and slapstick prevails. The comedy is funny to an extent, then grows tiresome. However, because of the excellent hard pounding action scene at the Mitsubishi Testing Factory (with cars racing at Jackie) the video is worth buying for about ten bucks.

Sean Johnson’s Rating: 6.5/10

By Andrew

This film is Jackie’s take on the “Double Impact” premise that Van Damme did. Four words: Jackie did it better. There’s a few good fights early on, and an awesome sequence at the end that puts the “Rumble in the Bronx” gang fight to shame. The action drags in the middle, but the confused relationships between the two Jackie Chans and their girlfriends keeps the story moving. The one problem I had with this film was with the three stooge-esqe moments thrown in gratuitously immediately after the boat chase scene. This one is a must see for anyone who enjoyed Rumble or First Strike.

Andrew’s Rating: 7/10

By Vic Nguyen

Twin Dragons is basically a Hong Kong version of Double Impact, only 50 times better! Jackie Chan takes the roles of twin brothers seperated at birth, John Ma and Boomer. John Ma is a successful pianist from New York and Boomer is a trouble making car mechanic from Hong Kong. When John goes on tour in Hong Kong,everything goes wrong. They run into each other and because of confusion, each lives the different lifestyles that the other one has. Caught in the mess are both of their girlfriends. There are some great action sequences, but the one that stands out from the rest is the final fight scene in a Mitsubishi car testing facility. This movie was made to raise funds for the Hong Kong Directors Guild. Recommended.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Chinese, Golden Harvest, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Thunderbolt | aka Dead Heat (1995) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Thunderbolt" International Theatrical Poster

“Thunderbolt” International Theatrical Poster

Director: Gordon Chan
Cast: Jackie Chan, Anita Yuen, Michael Wong, Thorsten Nickel, Ken Lo, Chu Yuan, Yuzo Kayama, Annie Man, Daisy Woo, Chin Kar Lok, Hon Chun, Michael Ian Lambert, Bruce Law, Michael Lui, Eguro Mari, Kenya Sawada
Running Time: 107 min.

By Raging Gaijin

“Thunderbolt” is the only Jackie Chan film from the 90’s that never saw wide release in the US, whether on DVD or at the theatre. After watching it, I still don’t know why. It’s great! Sure, it’s rather dark and serious for a Chan flick, but hey they still put out “Crime Story” here. Okay, it has quite a bit of car racing (not something that Chan is particularly known for) but it’s all a lot more exciting than when he rode a bulldozer at the end of “Mr. Nice Guy”. Besides, the fight sequences are fantastic! Somebody needs to buy the distribution rights to this movie and get it out on video store shelves. This is a must see for any self-respecting Jackie Chan fan.

So what makes “Thunderbolt” so great? For one thing, it’s pretty unique among Jackie’s films. Case in point: Jackie smiles maybe once the entire movie. It manages to be serious and sober without being overwhelmingly grim. I love Jackie’s blend of comedic hijinks and action just as much as the next fanboy, but I have to admit that I enjoy it when he does a darker movie every so often. It’s just a good change of pace. And Jackie really gets put through the wringer in this one: his family is tortured and nearly killed, then kidnapped, and Jackie has to fend off dozens of opponents and drive in a Japanese acing tournament just to get them back. Can he do it? Well, come on now… he’s Jackie Chan.

As a director, Gordon Chan is either hit (Fist of Legend) or miss (The Medallion). Fortunately, he does an adequate job filming “Thunderbolt”, although that may be due more to Jackie’s interference than his own talent. Either way, the fight scenes and racing sequences are all handled very well. There are two fights in particular to watch for: one in Jackie’s car shop and another in a Japanese casino. Both scenes are absolutely incredible and rank as some of Jackie’s very best fight scenes. The casino fight is extremely long and even has Jackie up against some members of the Yakuza. For Asian cinema buffs, this is something like a dream come true. Jackie Chan vs. the Yakuza… all I can say is “hell yeah!”

You might expect that putting Jackie in NASCAR-style races just wouldn’t work. It’d come off as “Days of Thunder” with Jackie instead of Tom Cruise. But these aren’t your typical racing scenes… these are done Hong Kong style. What does that mean? It means Gordon Chan has seemingly sped up the footage to make the cars look even faster. As a result the racing scenes are so fast that there’s a car crash at least every twenty seconds. Naturally, they’re pretty exciting to watch. Look for the part where a car flies off the track and crashes into a watchtower as a helpless bystander leaps out of the way.

So what marks the film down? No offense to Anita Yuen but her character is positively annoying and seems to add very little to the story. She plays a driven news reporter who trails Jackie’s every move and often puts the lives of others at risk all for the sake of getting a news scoop. Whenever Jackie is onscreen fighting or racing, the movie is great. Whenever he has to deal with Anita, the movie just drags. Also, there’s a twist during the third act that is completely out of the blue. It somewhat makes sense and it’s not that big of a deal but… let’s just say there’s a character in the movie for all of thirty seconds who shows up an hour later, out of nowhere, to save the day. Far-fetched but it thankfully doesn’t ruin the movie.

To sum things up: if you love Jackie Chan, chances are you’ll enjoy “Thunderbolt”. It’s a little darker than the usual Chan fare but in my book that’s a good thing. It’s got action, suspense, a cheesy gweilo villain, and Jackie Chan doing what he does best: fighting bad guys across the globe. Not even Michael Wong’s presence can ruin this movie.

Raging Gaijin’s Rating: 7.5/10

By Mairosu

Foh (Jackie Chan) is a trained race car driver who is now working as a mechanic in Hong Kong. His life will turn upside down when a renegade street racer Krugman (Thorsten Nickel) comes into the town – two of them quickly meet each other in a chase through the city in which Krugman gets arrested, the event earning Foh a big deal of media coverage and praise. Soon after, Krugman is busted out and he sets his sights at revenge – by demolishing Foh’s house and kidnapping his two sisters. In order for them to come back in one piece, Foh must travel to Japan and race with Kougar, with his sisters’ lives as a stake.

Thunderbolt, aka Dead Heat, is an entertaining, if not a bit atypical, Jackie Chan action flick from his latter stages of Hong Kong career. Shot in 1995. in Hong Kong and Japan, Thunderbolt benefits greatly from involving a racing aspect to the already trademark kung-fu shenanigans and martial arts – though this time, “shenanigans” turn a bit evil at the times.

As I said above, it’s an atypical Chan fare, most notably because it’s devoid of his trademark slapstick, down to the point that it can be considered as a “serious” action film. There are no trademark Chan grimaces here, or his off the wall (literally) kicks and punches – those are replaced by more no-nonsense fight sequences and an unusual (for Chan) number of on-screen deaths and mild violence spruced with some bloody close-ups. The villain, in this case “Cougar” Krugman, is not the usual pompous-wannabe-world-leader-tyrant goof, he is a really devious character who gets his kicks from aggressive driving and street races – the sole form of comic relief comes from the character of Amy Yip (Anita Yuen), an opportunist journalist who follows Foh determined to make him the next media darling of the Hong Kong populace.

The action sequences – both fighting and racing – are very well done. The races – notably the first Foh/Krugman chase and the final showdown in Japan – are exquisitely shot and choreographed, with some fine camerawork and an interesting effect of slowing the picture down, then letting it go in fast forward for about few seconds. Fight scenes don’t appear as frequent as we’re used with Chan, but the scene in which Foh thrashes a pachinko parlour, decimating the local Yakuza branch to rubble in process, is a definitive standout.

The issue with this film is a muddled character interaction and communication. The film intertwines Cantonese, English and Japanese with mediocre success – Foh’s driving instructor talks sometimes in Japanese, sometimes in English to him, a Interpol police officer switches from Cantonese to English literally sentence after sentence, Foh himself is addressed as Foh and “Jackie” throughout the film, which is nothing new as Chan’s characters are, probably intentionally, called “Jackie” in majority of his films regardless of his on-screen name, but at the ending credits Chan is credited as “Alfred Tung”, leaving me in state of total confusion. Also, Chan is a talented polyglot here, understanding all three languages and responding in all three without particular logic (when addressed in English by the Japanese characters, he responds in Japanese and when addressed in English by Chinese characters, he answers in Cantonese…?!). Now it might be of course I got a dodgy dub-undub copy on my hands (see Drunken Master Columbia Tri-Star disc which “fills” Cantonese voice track gaps with English), but I doubt that as there is a fair number of non-Hong Kong characters who are supposed to speak other languages in the film. Also, this movie can get slow at the times, but that is a minor remark as the fast-paced action sequences pick up the tab for the rest.

Anyhow, Thunderbolt is a fairly good action film and well worth seeing, if nothing then for the fact that this is probably one of the best Chan films from his late HK period. Just don’t rent this awaiting something similar to Operation Condor and you’ll be fine…oh, and the opening/closing credits theme song, a delightful slice of Cantonese (I presume) pop, is horribly catchy.

Mairosu’s Rating: 8/10

By Vic Nguyen

Ah, here is another addition to the long line of mediocrity starring Jackie Chan, which consists of Rumble in the Bronx, Thunderbolt, First Strike, and Mr. Nice Guy (I’m surprised New Line hasn’t released a box set yet). Thunderbolt has possibly the worst plot ever contained in a Jackie Chan film. It has as much imagination as a porno. The villains have absolutely no personality (the person that plays the bad guy gives possibly the worst performance in a film, ever) , and they appearently have no motive for what they do. The “heroes” are no better. Amerasian Michael Wong Man-Tak gives another half-assed mediocre performance, mostly because he relies on his English much more than his Cantonese, something that does not belong in this, or any other Hong Kong film for that matter. Jackie is surprisingly bad in his usual underdog role. That is not his fault though, he isn’t given a decent script (or anything resembling one) to work with.

The film also has a very uneven pace to it. The most logical explanation would be because so many different units worked on a piece of the production. Gordan Chan Kar-seung (who is previously not known for action films) directed the dramatic scenes (if they are any). Frankie Chan, a heralded composer and actor, was brought in to direct the racing scenes. Jackie Chan directed some of his scenes, and Sammo Hung Kam-bo took control of the good ole fight choreography. How did he do? It is explained in one word, amazing. If one man can direct and choreograph an incredible fight scene, it’s Sammo. The first nock down, drag out fight scene is held in a body shop, and is a spectacular display of power on Jackie’s part. Here, he literally wipes the floor with his opponents in a series of stunts, split kicks, spin kicks, and head bashing.

The second noteworthy encounter is undoubtebly the best, and most imaginative scene in the film. It takes place in a Japanese packinko parlor. It starts off slow with some exchanges in dialogue, but when Jackie instigates the encounter by stealing a mallet from a game, it leads to a fight to the finish. This action scene is pure Sammo. He uses all the goods in his filmmaking artillery; acrobatics, wire work, extreme camera angles, and pure, adrenaline pumping choreography. What I like most about the fight though, is the use of environment in the traditional widescreen scope. The Japanese parlor provides the perfect backdrop for this type of fight, and with Sammo at the helm and Jackie as the featured combatant, it is even more perfect.

You cannot give all the on screen credit to Jackie though, because it is not him fighting nearly half the time. The double for Jackie on some of the more difficult moves is a Sammo discovery, Chin Kar Lok. Although he has appeared in numerous films, he has not made a name for himself as a box office champion as of late. Despite this, he is a wonderful talent, both acting and martial arts wise. His best films include Operation Scorpio and Martial Arts Master: Wong Fei-hung while as an actor, Ringo Lam’s Full Alert and Derek Yee’s Full Throttle. You also have to give credit to the combatants that fight Jackie. The two featured fighters are Ken Sawada, and our favorite high kicker Ken Lo Wai-kwong. I have never seen a Ken Sawada film before this one, so this is my first taste of his skills. He is very talented and gives Jackie (or Chin Kar-lok) a run for his money.

Ken Lo is pretty disappointing in the film, but still gets to show off some of his trademark bootwork. The movie should have ended after this amazing fight, but the filmmakers probably thought that the film needed some more zest, so they added a terrible, incredibly disappointing racing finale that is better off gone. Although some of the stunts are impressive (the car through the tower bit), that is basically it. The cars are so sped up that it reminds me of the old Speed Racer shows (I actually found myself humming “go speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer go). And of course following the feature is an outtakes reel, which features a catchy tune and some classic moments. Overall, the only thing to recommend to this film are the fights, choreographed in pure Sammo fashion, and a tune that you can’t get out of your head. There is little else to recommend.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 5/10

By Ro

Alfred? Alfred? They named him ALFRED!!!! Oh no, no, no, no – Alfred it Batman’s butler, he’s the guy in Mad Magazine, he is NOT a Jackie Chan character! What DID I like about this movie? I liked that fact that he actually has a family life and he’s a complete person – work, home, play. The relationship with his father and sisters worked for me. I liked the house wrecking incident, even though it was too long. I liked the way he came to defend his sisters’ honor after a whistling construction worker grabbed one of them. The shootout in the police station was great (even though only the policemen bled – not any of the bad guys). and I LOVED tha fight scene in the car shop – pure Jackie!

What didn’t I like? Forget the lack of plot – that’s only to be expected. However, in return, I expect humor and fights and stunts. There was almost NO humor in this movie! And OK, I knew the cars were the main action, but the fight in the pachinko parlor – the main BIG fight was filmed so badly it would have been better to leave it out entirely. It looked as though they tied a camera to a stunt guy and threw him into the fray! Between the fast cuts and the motion of the camera that blurred the action, I was so frustrated I wanted to strangle the director (if I could figure out which director was responsible)! And the use of wires! I like to ‘wonder’ if a wire is being used, I don’t like seeing the actors flying around like Superman (shades of Lo Wei! Or do I mean, Lo Wei’s shade?). These are tricks for action directors who have stars that can’t fight, not for Jackie and his stuntmen. I kept getting glimpses of a great punch or kick and then the camera would cut to something else – and Ken Lo was doing some great stuff, I could tell – but I couldn’t SEE!!! What a tease! And the trampoline – MY GOD, the possiblilities of that trampoline! Just wasted! And, lastly… I can’t belive they named him ALFRED!

Ro’s Rating: 5/10 (would have been 6.5 if they’d filmed the pachinko scene properly!)

By Steve Lawson

This movie seems to cause mixed opinions – some people love it and others hate it. Well, I’m a bit of both, I love parts of it and hate others!

First of all I saw the original synch-sound Cantonese version, and I must say the acting and drama scenes are excellent. Jackie plays a real character for once, and isn’t called “Jackie” (well, for most of the film he isn’t called Jackie, but at the end when he goes to Japan suddenly everyone calls him Jackie – it’s really wierd!), and his romance with Anita Yuen is well done.

What I don’t like are Sammo Hung’s fight sequences, which don’t fit with the style of movie and use too many wires and fancy camera effects. I suppose all this was to hide the fact Jackie used a double for the fights, but it doesn’t work cos you can spot from a mile off when it’s Jackie and when it isn’t. If Jackie couldn’t fight they should have just done some smaller fights with easier moves he could do himself and then had more car chases or something to make up – if I want to watch a stunt-double flying around on a wire I’ll watch a Jet Li movie!!!

The car stunts in the movie are good but are too speeded up to be taken seriously, so basically it boils down to: good drama, characters and music, but silly action scenes. New Line are gonna have great fun chopping this up for the US market.

Steve Lawson’s Rating: 6/10

By James H.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with this film, scanning the other reviews on this site, I noticed a lot of 5’s & 6’s, with some 7’s and 8’s. But when I popped the tape in and heard the theme song, I knew I was going to like it. It is sung by Jackie and is very catchy and upbeat. “Thunderbolt” is Jackie Chan meets “Days of Thunder” with great results. Unfortunately, there are only two fights in the film. The first one is very entertaining and whets the appetite for more. The second is even better. There is even a kick-ass shoot out about half way through the movie.

When you have a movie about a mechanic/race car driver, you have to have car chases. The chase at the beginning is just superb. The direction in this movie is great, as is the cinematography. The only time that this film falters is at the end, which is why I didn’t give it a higher rating. The end car chase is nothing compared to the one at the beginning. It is rediculously sped up and boring because it is on a fixed track; it’s predictable.

I think I’d have to stick this film in the same pile as “Crime Story.” It is not the usual “fight-every-ten-minutes” deal. If you want that rent “Mr. Nice Guy” again. If you want something a little different, pick this one up.

James H’s Rating: 7/10

By Marcia

As of this writing, I’ve only seen Thunderbolt once. My gut reaction was that it was pretty good. The points that several other reviewers make about the poor plot and “boring” race finale are valid, but I didn’t find them distracting when I was actually “watching” the film. In retrospect, perhaps it wasn’t so hot, but at the time I enjoyed it quite a bit. I guess Jackie wanted to do something like this because of his great fondness for stock-car racing, but that will likely leave most of his fans with a bad taste in their… um, eyes. Aside from the questionable slo-mo camera work, the fight scene in the pachinko parlor with Jackie doing some almost-sumo moves against the well-tattooed Yakuza was probably my favorite part.

Marcia’s Rating: 7/10

By Silent Fighter

This is a hard movie to approach. The fight scenes are dis-jointed, the stunts are relatively low tech and usually in slow motion. The story makes no sense and the direction is un-even. What we have here in Thunderbolt is a confused Jackie Chan. In wanting his picture to be more American, the film loses focuse on what makes a Jackie Chan’s movie so unique. In the American action films, slow motion fight scenes and car chases are common. But the sight of unbelievable and inspired action is largely absent. Thunderbolt is better than most American action movies, but it falls short, way short, of a true Jackie Chan movie. The American actors used in the movie are horrendous, the fights seemed either ultra-slow or unbelievably fast.

Thunderbolt does have its moments. The battle in the car factory is pure Jackie. But the poor directing, combined with the very un-exciting finale leaves you wanting more. Had Dimension films released a new version of Thunderbolt, the film could have been better, and possibly a success in American markets due to its Hollywood feel. This film was completed after Rumble in the Bronx and was schedule to open in the states. The bad press surrounding the making of Thunderbolt (Jackie Chan reportedly used stunt doubles in key areas of the film due to the production’s relatively short schedule) is a key factor in why this film was never released.

Silent Fighter’s Rating: 5.5/10

By Jim Carrey

I review here today to bring you a commentary on a masterpiece which is usually not appreciated. “Thunderbolt” is on my top 10 Jackie list and I’ve seen all his films, with the exception of ones he has only cameos in. Talk about a great movie, it manages to mix action, martial arts, stunts, emotional drama, suspense, and MultiEthnic themes without it seeming to be a lousy everything to everyone flick like “Mr. Nice Guy”. Not only that, for the first time since “City Hunter”, which is also in my top 10, Jackie goes back to being a big filmmaker instead of being too self-indulged with himself to cast more than 3 other stars.

The cast includes Jackie Chan, Anita Yuen, Michael Wong, Dayo Wong, Ken Lo, Cho Yuen, Chin Ka-Lok, Henry Sanada, Corey Yuen Kwai, & Shing Fui-On. Many complain that there is no plot – well here it is to prove them wrong: The film starts off with possibly my favorite Jackie song during the opening credits. Jackie works as a test driver for Mitsubishi and is about to go back to his family and auto shop back in Hong Kong. Right before he leaves, there is a funny bit about him helping find the ear ring of a daughter of one of the heads of the Mitsubishi corporation, she slams his hand. Anyways, next we see this anglo racer who is also wanted internationally for drug dealing, and they had to fit Michael Wong in there somehow. Next stop for this bad anglo is Hong Kong, he obviously has yet to find an opponent to equal to his racing abillity. Jackie works with his father and has two sisters, they own an autobody shop. He and his father also work as car inspectors for the police in their spare time.

One night while inspecting cars, they see this maniac racer go by and strike a policeman in the process. Also, on the scene is a pesky TV reporter, Anita Yuen and her cameraman, Dayo Wong. Now comes Michael Wong, an interpol agent after the blonde anglo racer who’s name is Cougar. One night Jackie and co. run into Anita and her jackass cameraman cause their car broke down, the jackass forgot to fill her up. While Jackie is testing the car from the inside to make sure it runs good, along drives the wanted Cougar, without hesitation Jackie chases after him in the car he was repairing, not remembering that Anita is still inside. A great car race ensues, which involves great maneuvering and excitement coreographed by Car Stunt Director Frankie Chan Fan-Kei. Jackie wins this race of course and they put Cougar in custody, but Michael can’t arrest him because he has a fake passport from Libya, so they have to let him go because Jackie couldn’t positively recognize him from when he struck the cop the night before. Cougar, impressed by Jackie’s racing skill, challenges him to a race, but Jackie declines so he sends goons over to Jackie’s autobody shop.

Jackie kicks their asses out of his shop in a great fight scene that is like the one he has sliding through railings in “Dragons Forever”. This obviously pisses Jackie off, so he then tells Michael that Cougar was the man who ran into the policeman. Cougar gets arrested, then eventually breaks out but his girlfriend dies in the process, so now he’s really mad. He then trashes Jackie’s house and autobody shop with a crane and challenges him to a race in Japan. For insurance, he kidnaps Jackie’s two sister so Jackie can’t call the cops again. Jackie realizes he must race this gwailo bastard to get him thrown in jail and get back his sisters. At the same time there is a subplot about Anita trying to get an interview with him. She is the one that gives him money to build a car for the big race.

After this long summary, you watch the rest to find out what happens.There is barely any comedy in the film, but Jackie gives one of his greatest performances on screen and this film has my favorite Jackie Chan fight scene of all time in the Pachinko Parlor. It only helps that this is the only film he used wires for, and he utillizes them great with his style of fighting. This proves that he is much better than Jet Li, although, you have to give Sammo credit for chhoreographing the fights, which I think is his best coreography scene of all time. This film is also directed by a truly great director names Gordan Chan Ka-Seung, who also directed “Fist of Legend”. “Thunerbolt” is a must see.

Jim Carrey’s Rating: 10/10

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Sleepless Town | aka Fuyajo (1998) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Sleepless Town" Chinese DVD Cover

“Sleepless Town” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Lee Chi Ngai
Cast: Kaneshiro Takeshi, Mirai Yamamoto, Lung Sihung, Eric Tsang, Kathy Chow, Seijun Suzuki
Running Time: 122 min.

By Alexander

“Now it all makes sense,” says Kenichi, Takeshi Kaneshiro’s character near the end of the noir-ish thriller “Sleepless Town”. Well, not quite. This meandering, slick and very Wong Kar Wai-like film is so confusing, you’ll instantly ignore the deluge of plot twists amidst a huge cast of characters and instead focus on the beautiful cinematography and adept direction. Director Lee Chi-Ngai is amazing here, as are stars Takeshi Kaneshiro (“Chungking Express”) and Mirai Yamamoto.

“ST” is based on the book of the same name, which is apparently one of Japan’s most popular and critically acclaimed contemporary detective novels. The film opens with a spectacular, uninterrupted lengthy tracking shot of Kenichi walking through the neon-washed streets of Kabukicho, Japan, which instantly reminded me of the similarly lengthy and uninterrupted introduction to “Boogie Nights” and the single-take hospital gun battle in John Woo’s “Hard Boiled”. The director’s skill is evident and this lingering, expertly planned shot sets the tone for the rest of this gorgeous film.

If you’ve seen WKW’s masterful “Chungking Express” and “Fallen Angels” you will undoubtedly make comparisons between them and “ST”. The meandering pace and gritty settings are akin to “Fallen Angels”. Takeshi Kaneshiro appears in all three aforementioned films. The soundtrack is at times both eerie and airy, including popular songs and a moody score, similar to “Fallen Angels” and “Chungking Express”. There’s even a sly reference to “Chungking Express” when Takeshi and Mirai hear a song by “Express” co-star and Hong Kong pop singer Faye Wong on the radio. Takeshi switches stations quickly prompting Miria to ask, “You don’t like Faye Wong?”, an obvious nod to Wong Kar Wai’s masterpiece.

Ultimately, even as the film sometimes slogs through it’s own convoluted plot, “ST” is interesting and engrossing and serves as a great alternative to traditional HK action and romantic-comedy fare. There’s little action and most of the dialogue will leave you scratching your head in bewilderment (and frustration), but “ST” is nonetheless a worthy film and thus, recommended.

Alexander’s Rating: 7.5/10

Posted in Chinese, Japanese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , |

Shaolin Wooden Men | aka 36 Wooden Men (1976) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Shaolin Wooden Men" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Shaolin Wooden Men” Japanese Theatrical Poster

AKA: Shaolin Chamber of Death
Director: Chan Chi Hwa
Cast: Jackie Chan, Kam Kong, Doris Lung, Chiang Kam, Miu Tak San, Liu Ping, Li Min Lang, Miu Tin, To Wai Wo, Weng Hsiao Hu, Chang I Fei, Lam Fai, Lee Siu Chung, Luk Yat Lung, So Kwok Leung, Yuen Biao, Hwang Jang Lee
Running Time: 103 min.

By David Bell

Lou Anne came into the Bistro and threw her lug wrench right into booth number four, where it hit a cushion, bounced up and dented the napkin holder. Lou Anne treats her tools better than most of us treat our kids so we all knew something serious was up.

Hey Lou Anne, what’s the problem?

“That lousy O’Malley kid!”

Jimmy O’Malley just turned 17 and bought himself a junker that he’s been bringing into the shop side of Crazy Willie’s 24 Hour Bistro and Diesel Station (on South Palo Verde) for the past few weeks. Lou Anne’s been helping him get it street ready.

What did he do?

“He said his father made him watch a Marx Brothers movie! He said he hated it!”

Big deal. You hate the Marx Brothers too.

“That’s not it! He said he hates all that old stuff made during our generation! I’m 32! The frigging Marx Brothers started in the 1920’s!” As Lou Anne went off to cry under the hood of a 1992 Taurus, Willie and I made an important discovery. Those napkin holders can take a fair amount of punishment.

While Lou Anne wept over the points and plugs, Willie and I watched ShaoLin Wooden Men. Jackie is this mute guy that gets lead platform shoes that the monks want him to wear to look taller when he goes to the discos. The other guys call Jackie Dummy not just because he can’t speak but because he has these weird flashbacks of the Elephant Man smacking his old man around. While Jackie is doing all the regular temple stuff like chop firewood with his hands and carry water eight miles instead of using the indoor plumbing, he sees some monks try to take some food to this prisoner that looks like Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead during methadone withdrawal.

Jerry Garcia yells and the monks split but Jackie gets the guy some food so Jerry offers to teach him some Kung Fu in return for some wine and any heroin he might have lying around. Meanwhile one of the other students thinks he’s ready for the outside world, but first he has to run the gauntlet of giant wooden Rockem Sockem Robots. They knock off the kids block and Jackie figures he needs the Jerry Garcia treatment. So Jackie trains and learns the vicious style that a nun says sucks and she offers to teach Jackie Grease Fu. She takes Jackie over to a pit of Oleo and jumps in singing “Look At Me I’m Sandra Dee” and shows Jackie her moves.

Jackie tries it but slips and slides and figures he either needs to learn more or get a couple chicks in bikinis in there and try to sell the show to the bars in Ft. Lauderdale. After some Rocky style training, Jackie is ready to take on the Rockem Sockem Robots but first Jerry Garcia asks Jackie to take this note out to Ken Kesey. Jackie kicks wooden robot but and wins the right to brand himself with a hot boiling pot in this place with candles that looks like the set of the “Every Breath You Take” video. Out in the world, Jackie finds Kesey who hasn’t had a good novel since “Cuckoo’s Nest” and gives him the note. Then Jackie save a family restaurant from six gang members who try to play Sharks and Jets with the daughter. Kesey gives the note to the other members of Jerry Garcia’s band who then bust him out of the joint. The Merry Pranksters go on a mad cap, whimsical tour of the small villages and towns, killing everybody they see. And they kidnap the daughter so Jackie volunteers to find her.

The ShaoLin monks catch up to Jerry Garcia and tell him “Free form jazz this, you dried up hippie” and they all fight. But Jackie comes to Garcia’s rescue and gets him out without the monks seeing. Jackie hangs out with Jerry until Jerry decides that the fish they all had for dinner was a little salty and kills a family. Then Jackie returns to find the gang released the girl. Then a guy picks a fight in the restaurant and Jackie recognizes the style from his flashbacks earlier in the fill so he thinks it’s the Elephant Man that killed his dad. But the guy splits. Then Jackie finds this guy that looks like the blind guy on the TV show “Kung Fu” that called David Carradine grasshopper.

The grasshopper guy tells Jackie he has to whale on Jerry Garcia, but not before he autographs a copy of the script because he has the far sight and can tell that “Rumble In The Bronx” will be big in the US in about 20 years. So the big showdown comes and Jackie has to take on Jerry Garcia but not before he finds out that the guy in the restaurant that fought like the guy that killed Jackie’s dad is trying to find the real killer. So Jackie saves him from Garcia, who does the same move and then Jackie speaks for the first time. “He says, “Hey man, this is one weak plot device” and proceeds to wipe out not only Jerry Garcia, but the Grateful Dead’s drummer and bass player too.

Willie and I thought that this was like three movies in one, with the temple one part, the helping the restaurant the second, and the final showdown with the evil guy third. Unfortunately none of the three parts is entertaining enough to want to watch. On the plus side Lou Anne came in during the final fight and said she saw some moves she’s going to try on O’Malley. “I’ll show that punk what my generation can do.”

David Bell’s Rating: 2/10

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Heart of the Dragon | aka The First Mission (1985) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Heart of the Dragon" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Heart of the Dragon” Japanese Theatrical Poster

Director: Sammo Hung
Producer: Leonard Ho
Cast: Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Emily Chu, Lam Ching Ying, Meng Hoi, Peter Chan, Yuen Wah, Chin Kar Lok, Melvin Wong, James Tien, Anthony Chan, Billy Chan, Chan Chuen, Billy Ching, Chow Kong, Chu Chi Ling, Chung Fat, Fung Hak On, Fung King Man, Huang Ha, Teddy Yip Wing-Cho, Lee Hoi-Sang
Running Time: 89 min.

By Vic Nguyen

This is the first film that I cried through. Jackie and Samo’s performance’s are astounding. Jackie plays a cop that dreams of sailing around the world, but the only thing that is stopping him is his mentally ill brother, played by Samo. While playing, Samo unintentionally mugs a person, making him drop the persons bag. Little does Samo know that the bag contains stolen jewels. Now Samo is wanted by the police and its up to Jackie to clear his name. I really liked this film, with great dramatic performances by Jackie and Samo. This film has little action, but the performances and the plot make up for that.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 10/10

By James H.

As you most likely already know, “Heart of the Dragon” is not your typical JC fare. It is, however, quite the touching film. Jackie plays a cop who gives up his dream of being a sailor to take care of his mentally challenged brother played by Samo Hung.

The film has a little bit of everything: drama, humour, romance and action. Notice how I put action last? Good, because this is not an action film. It is a drama. Generally, the acting is good, but it’s hard to gauge due to the sub-par dubbing. There are two scenes that prove that Jackie and Samo have the ability to act.

The action scenes were well down, but darker and more hash than those of, say, “Police Story”. It is very rare to see a JC movie where Jackie himself shoots a baddy at point blank range. I really enjoyed the film, especially the ending. It completely took me by surprise. The direction was top notch thanks to Samo. The ending montage was just marvellously put together.

James H’s Rating: 8.5/10

By Jordan

Call me soft, but this movie to me was very sad and depressing. It is the only movie that ever made me cry! There are some funny bits though involving Jackie’s retarded brother (a great performance by Samo Hung, but no action for him) and the fights were pretty impressive, but there weren’t enough of them. In “Jackie Chan: My Story” it shows two of the fights cut from the movie and I must say “Heart Of Dragon” would have been better had they been left in. It is a quality movie but most of it is far too dramatic for my liking.

Jordan’s Rating: 6/10

By Ro

A lot of people liked this movie and I don’t know why. The story line involves a CID detective (Jackie) and his mentally challenged brother (Samo Hung). He really wants to be a merchant marine, but is giving up his dream to take care of his sibling. It’s supposed to be funny, but most of the humor was at the expense of Samo, and I didn’t find it amusing. There’s only one fight, at the end, and it’s bloody. I found the whole movie dark and the end was incredibly depressing! I just couldn’t believe they ended it that way! Maybe it was more realistic, but who wants that much realism anyway? And I found the acting way over the top. I don’t know if it was the direction, the script or the acting, but if you want to see a movie with the same basic plot, see the powerful Dominick and Eugene instead.

Ro’s Rating: 4/10

By The Great Hendu

DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE EXPECTING ACTION! Watch this movie because you want to see a serious drama with a twist of humor and a touch of action. Sammo plays the mentally challenged brother of Jackie. It makes for a few comical scenes and a good drama between Jackie and Sammo. If any movie could be called a tear jerker, this is it. Sammo does a tremendous job in his part. I believed the role he played. And Jackie does equally well as the sympathetic brother. I think it was well written and concieved. I might actually enjoy seeing a sequel sometime. So, was there any fighting? Yes. At the very end of the film, Jackie threw a few kicks and punches. They were good, but not spectacular. I think anything more would have detracted from the art of the film. It was a good blend of all aspects. Definately worth a look.

The Great Hendu’s Rating: 8/10

By Rintor

This was a very sad ‘drama’. When I sat down to watch this movie I was expecting another beat-’em-up-crazy-stunts-with-lots-of-laughs JC flick. However, I got a heart warming drama with the beat-’em-up-crazy-stunts- with-lots-of-laughs mixed together. The product of this was a very good movie. Both Jackie and Sammo played their roles very well. Although it was difficult for me to get the full effect of Sammo’s mental handicap at first with the bad English dubbing. Friends don’t let friend Dub. It doesn’t help the film a whole lot. The fighting was pretty good, and I was surprised to see Jackie put a machete half way through a guy’s neck. The wall flip was impressive too. Shaol!nDrunkMonk, the last time I fought Dick Wei and did a wall flip and killed twenty people was yesterday. I was asleep. So, where’s the toilet bowl full of chunky peanut butter?

Rintor’s Rating: 8.5/10 (9/10 without bad dubbing)

By S!DM

As if being one of the very best, if not THE best, Jackie Chan movies I have ever seen, this one has to top my list as being one of the very best films I’ve ever seen period. This movie is greatness beyond comprehension, action beyond belief, “the chunks of ‘hearty’ peanut in the chunky peanut butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth when you try to scrape it off” type of movie that is so great. Firstly, this one has better acting than I’ve seen in most American movies, and it is this top-notchness that almost brings you into the character and story development. Contrary to what the other reviews say, this is not just a drama movie with no action. While it is true that this is a very sad drama, this one has plenty of action. Jackie and Sammo pull of their roles the best I have ever seen them do, as a younger brother and retarded older brother, respectively. The story moves along very well. Next, the action.

While it is true that this doesn’t have as much action as in his other movies, Jackie is mesmerizing in the final sequence, when he takes out all his anger on the baddies for the years of torment people gave to his older retarded brother. It is kind of like the way he dishes out punishment in Police Story. He just walks in, loses it, and bashes heads in without any hesitation…sweet and to the point. In one scene, a character begins(Keyword-“BEGINS”) to point a gun at Chan’s head, and Jackie doesn’t even show any fear before jacking him up. Now, the last fight scene is cool incarnate. Other people say, “OH MY! This one absolutely is over-rated, MY GOODNESS!”, and other whiny things…well, when was the last time YOU fought Dick Wei and did a wall flip and kill twenty people (if anyone answers this I will make them eat chunky peanut butter from the toilet bowl…)? This fight is short, sweet and to the point…two incredibly guys meet, exchange about two sentences, them beat the sweet cucumber chips out of each other…This is one of the 4-5 movies I would ever give a ten out of ten to… so THERE!

S!DM’s Rating: 10/10

By Dan-O

Now don’t misunderstand me – I like this film. But does anyone else out there notice that the last fight sequence is rediciously sped up? No one I’ve shown this film to ever seems to catch onto this. Seriously, if you own this film, go back and watch the last 20 minutes. Its almost laughable. Jackie IS quick, as are his stunt monkeys, but this is stupid. It doesn’t even make the movie more exiting (which is what they were obviously goin’ for). Another gripe: a couple of the scenes felt scotch-taped on, like that goofy-ass chase scene and the equally goofy-ass military training scene from the beginning. It’s almost as if those scenes came from an altogether different movie. Yes, I know, at it’s heart this is a Jackie Chan film, so I simply dismiss such incongruities with a shrug and a smile and a twinkle in the eye. Other than that, this is a heartwarming, and at times, depressing film, and Sammo gives a superb performance as Jackie’s turnip of a brother. Go see it, buy it, rent it, whatever it takes. You’ve obviously got nothing better to do.

Dan-O’s Rating: 7/10 (would’ve gotten an 8 if not for Sammo’s butt-crack)

By Andrew

This was a fun film, but also needs to be filed away under “Sammo Hung” in the grand scheme of kung fu film history. Do we really have to see Hung’s @$$ while he’s in the bathtub? I’d rather forget that part. The action scenes in this one are pretty fast and furious. One thing that bugs me though is just how mean everyone is to Sammo’s character. I just can’t imagine a bunch of chefs beating the $#!+ out of a guy who can’t pay his bill (although they did the same to Jackie in the first Drunken Master) The best stunt in this flick was done by a supporting character who falls out of a restaurant and lands on the ground instead of the specially prepared car (same problem they had in Police Story). The car chase stuff was good too, but not quite like the ones in Armor of God and Operation Condor. Despite my references to other JC films this one was pretty unique and really not all that bad. See if you can spot the guy who played “Panther” in Supercop. Ok, I’ll stop now.

Andrew’s Rating: 6/10

By Aloho

The thought of Jackie playing a dramatic role propelled me not to buy this surprisely realistic flick. The reason I did buy it though is because I heard all this mumbo-jumbo about the spectacular finale. I got more than expected when viewing this. It keeps you alive through the whole movie because of the plot. Jackie did good playing his part. Sammo did a good job directing. This movie gets your emotions going. In some parts, I just wanted to kill those bastards teasing Sammo’s character. It’s kinda like I wanted to be in the movie and just change matters around and just unleash on the bad guys. Well, that is exactly what Chan did towards the end in a construction site. He does not wait for the enemy to throw a punch or anything, he just gets in there and kicks ass. Jackie knocks out a guy that put a gun to his (Jackie’s) head before that guy could yell out “freeze.”

When Jackie and Dick Wei meet, they don’t exchange looks or blab some corny catch phase, they just duel till death. Chan does a wall flip, those are cool. There is a semi-entertaining chase scene, but it never really picks up. In the beginning, there is a police training thing in a forest. That was just O.K. Some funny parts, like Sammo almost drowned himself in a bathtub claiming he was teaching a toy to swim underwater. Another scene, Jackie holds hands with Sammo giving the appearance they are gay. I got the Taiseng video; the dubbing was awful! Of course most dubbing is said to be bad, but face it, the mouth will never really move in sync with another language. What makes the dub so horrible and much worse than other dub jobs is that mouths move when there is no sound, vice versa. That’s like Godzilla quality. If you see it, buy a subtitled one over a dubbed one. Otherwise, just cope with it.

Aloho’s Rating: 7/10

By Clint

This DRAMA contains a good car/motorcycle chase scene and the spectacular finale. The only scene I found semi-amusing was when JC was holding hands with Samo walking down the street and he had to point out to everyone that they were brothers and not a gay couple. It does entertain you for the entire hour and a half, despite the lack of action or comedy, because you actually feel for the characters. I must say i got a little angry at that guy when he made Samo slither on the ground like a snake. All in all a decent film. You can get this one at Blockbuster too, under the name “Heart of Dragon.”

Clint’s Rating: 6/10

Posted in Chinese, Golden Harvest, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Sexy and Dangerous | aka Sexy Undercover Angels (1996) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Sexy and Dangerous" Chinese DVD Cover

"Sexy and Dangerous" Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Billy Tang
Writer: Philip Kwok
Producer: Wong Jing
Cast: Mariane Chan, Mimi Chu Mi Mi, Maria Cordero, Vincent Kok, Deon Lam Dik On, Michael Lam, Spencer Lam Seung Yi, Lee Kin Yan, Rachel Lee, Lee Siu Kei, Teresa Mak, Karen Mok, Francis Ng, Ng Sui Ting, Shing Fui On, Michael Tong, Johnny Wang, Wong Wa Wo, Wong Yat Fei
Running Time: 92 min.

By Alexander

I picked up this film because of its promising premise: “Sexy” Karen Mok plays a motorcycle riding hustler whose boyfriend is a gang leader embroiled in a turf war. After two minutes, however, I knew I was watching what could possibly be the worst film of all time.

10 reasons why this movie absolutely SUCKED:

1. Ten seconds into the film, a character utters the unforgivable line, “Yeah, I am eating fish ball at the pimp’s place.”

2. There are characters named “Muscular Man,” “Dirty,” “Fatty,” “Marble” (Karen Mok), and “One”.

3. Another dialogue gem: “You look ugly. Are you coming to clean your asshole?”

4. And another: “If your phone is out of battery, don’t come for shitting! Take me the paper now. I won’t let you clean your ass, as your punishment.” (I am NOT making this up.)

5. The only thing even remotely “sexy” in this film is a five-second scene of Karen Mok clad in black leather stepping off a motorcycle.

6. There is a character named “Aids”.

7. Gun shots AND punches to the face have the same sound effect. And there are A LOT of punches to the face.

8. I dig slapstick. Jackie Chan. Charlie Chaplin. Gilligan. I dig them all. But there is something really unnerving about casual references to rape; face slashings; and women beatings in a film billed as an action-comedy.

9. The line, “Bitch, your tits stink.” (And you thought it couldn’t get any worse?)

10. The worst thing about this movie? That it even exists. There should be laws protecting us against ever accidentally stumbling across this garbage.

You’ve been warned!

Alexander’s Rating: 1/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , |

All in the Family | aka It’s All in the Family (1975) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"All in the Family" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“All in the Family” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Zhu Mu
Writer: Yeung Hua
Producer: Raymond Chow
Cast: Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung Kam Bo, Dean Shek Tien, James Tien Chun, Tien Ni, Carter Wong Ka Tat
Running Time: 97 min.

By Vic Nguyen

A Japanese girl’s dream film. If you want to see Jackie’s ass doing something other than for the purpose of comedy, this is the film to see.

The plot has something to do with a dying man spending his last days with his relatives. During the first part of the film, there is alot of “male bonding” (perverted sex talk) and arguments, then the Chan meister himself arrives. He formally “bonds” with some woman a few times, including one with what seems to be a prostitute.

Other than the wild monkey sex, there is no action in this film (unless you consider wild monkey sex action, which believe me, many people do. You won’t believe High School kids these days). With the sex out of the way, you can watch for future “Snake in the Eagle Shadow” costar Dean Shek in his usual 70’s comedic role, and an appearence by Sammo Hung as one of those bicycle riders that carry people around.

Overall, the perfect movie for those lonely days and nights.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 5/10

Posted in Chinese, Golden Harvest, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , |

Shanghai Grand (1996) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Shanghai Grand" Chinese DVD Cover

"Shanghai Grand" Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Poon Man Kit
Writer: Poon Man Kit, Matt Chow Hoi Kwong, Sandy Shaw
Producer: Tsui Hark
Cast: Andy Lau Tak Wah, Leslie Cheung, Ning Jing, William Ho Ka Kui, Amanda Lee Wai Man, Wu Hsing Kuo, Lau Shun, Almen Wong Pui Ha, Lee Kin Yan, Sam Wong Ming Sing, Jeong Wu Seong, Tommy Leung Ka Chun, Yip Chun
Running Time: 91 min.

By Mairosu

Ding Lik (Andy Lau) is a Shanghai city dweller, who dreams of becoming someone one day. His fortunes take a sharp turn when he accidentally stumbles upon Hui Man Keung (Leslie Cheung), a Taiwanese soldier who is on the run – they team up together and form a brotherly bond, which will be put on a test as one rises to the top of the underworld ladder, and another reveals his true colours…and oh, they also seem to be in love with the same woman, who just happens to be the daughter of Shanghai’s biggest mobster.

Man Kit Poon’s big-budget (I think) period piece Shanghai Grand is a decent, solid depiction of late 30s-early 40s China, but hardly anything spectacular. Film dangles three plots at the same time which ultimately mould into one near the end, mixing drama, romance and gangster noir genre, and does so with medium success. The first part of the film follows Ding Lik and portrays his rise to “fame”, from a mere street cleaner to one of the big shots. Later on, we learn the past of his love interest, Ching-Ching Fung (played by beautiful Jing Ning), and his comrade Keung, who pursues a personal vendetta but puts it on hold so he could help Ding’s cause. And of course, it all builds to a big showdown with tragic ending.

The biggest issue with this movie is that it jumps from character to character too fast and makes the plot somewhat disjointed and incoherent, which is a shame as it spoils some good acting work, especially by both male leads, Lau and Cheung, both veterans of Hong Kong cinema (and later pop singers as well). Pity that the nameless female assassin (Almen Wong) who haunts Keung gets limited screen time – her villainious persona easily steals the show in those few scenes she appears ; the main bad guy himself, King-Yiu Fung (Hsing-Kuo Wu), is rather under-used as well. The real quality of this film is probably the genuinely recreated atmosphere of the pre-war Shanghai, giving Shanghai Grand an authentic feeling to it.

All in all, this is not a bad film, but don’t expect “the oriental Godfather” as some distributors tend to market it. And drop the final grading for half a notch if you suffer the misfortune of obtaining the English dubbed copy.

Mairosu’s Rating: 5/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , |

King of Boxers | aka The Screaming Tiger (1973) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"King of Boxers" American Theatrical Poster

“King of Boxers” American Theatrical Poster

AKA: 10 Fingers of Steel
Director: Kim Lung
Cast: Jimmy Wang Yu, Cheung Ching Ching, Lung Fei, Liu Ping, Chi Laan, Shan Mao, Got Siu Bo, Ma Kei, Cheng Fu Hung, Hong Hoi, Chang I Fei, Chiu Hung, Choi Wang, Goo Gwan, Law Bun, Lui Ming, Ng Tung Kiu, Sit Hon
Running Time: 75 min.

By Jesse

Some have said “The Godfather.” Others, “Citizen Kane.” But I will tell you right now folks… the greatest movie of all time is King of Boxers (aka The Screaming Tiger). Jimmy Wang Yu has his entire family wiped out and swears to kill every Japanese person on the planet; Now wait, that sounds kinda crazy don’t it? Exactly, but this is what he does in this mind-boggling, insane in the membrane, classic kung fu flick.

Jimmy Wang Yu is fast and furious at fighting, and the action scenes are nonstop. Bonus points go towards the director, performing a Quentin Tarantino and ripping off “The Man With the Harmonica” in one scene, as Jimmy talks to a mysterious stranger with a wastebasket on his head, and we hear “Jill’s Theme” as a woman close to Jimmy dies (both songs from “Once Upon a Time in The West”).

But all that aside, nothing will prepare you for the final 20 minutes, which has Jimmy and the evil villain going at it. They randomly find a train to stage their impressive and lengthy battle; but that’s just the beginning. After the main boss throws Jimmy off the train tracks into a huge body of water, they both fight to the death under a waterfall for what seems like years. Etsuko Shihomi may be my new idol, but Jimmy Wang Yu is my new God.

I will make a shrine for him and pray to the ghost of Master Yu, once a day, with lighted candles flickering. See this movie or I will be forced to kick your ass in front of a waterfall while I wear a trash can on my head and play a flute.

Jesse’s Rating: 9/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , |

Away with Words | aka Kujaku (1999) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Away with Words" UK DVD Cover

"Away with Words" UK DVD Cover

Director: Christopher Doyle
Writer: Christopher Doyle, Tony Rayns
Producer: Hiro Tokimori
Cast: Tadanobu Asano, Kevin Sherlock, Mavis Xu, Georgina Hobson, Christa Hughes, Takanori Kubo
Running Time: 86 min.

By Mighty Peking Man

A dispirited young man (Tadanobu Asano of “Ichi The Killer”) who has had it with the noisy stressful life in Japan heads to Hong Kong to find the peace he’s been lacking since his early childhood. Oddly, he finds solitude at a gay nightclub where he quietly sits alone and gathers wordily-thoughts to himself. While there, he befriends the bar’s owner (Kevin Sherlock), an extreme-party animal and alcoholic, who’s bad memory constantly gets him into trouble. Also in the mix is a pretty Japanese woman (Mavis Xu), who works as a fashion-dresser at the nightclub; she left her family in Japan to pursue her “own” meaning of life. Together, the three characters discover each other’s pleasant company and connect their problems through an array of colorful (but odd) poetic-like conversations.

The first few minutes of “Away With Words” makes you think that unless you have the artistic mind capabilities of John Lennon and Yoko Ono, you’re not going to get too far into it. It’s a film that definitely lives up to it’s title because most of it’s dialogue is a colossal-gag of thought provoking poetry. At times, it may seem to get a little tedious, but with given moments and a bit of patience, you might find an entertaining art-house flick.

Written and directed by Christopher Doyle (mostly known for being Wong Kar-Wai’s prized cinematographer), “Away With Words” is a surreal, melancholic tale that’s several notches above “Chungking Express” as far as artistic visuals are concerned. Doyle’s trademark camera techniques are put into full effect. Many different film stocks, effects and cranking speeds add to the film’s dreamy tones. Obviously influenced (and educated) by director Wong Kar-Wai, Doyle takes what he’s learned and applies more whimsicality and less logic.

Look for outstanding performances by the lead cast, especially from Kevin Sherlock, who plays the cracked nightclub owner. “Away With Words” also bares a catchy soundtrack, which surprised me when the song “Sugar Water” by Cibo Matto (one of my favorite bands of the 90’s) came on and played fully to a music video-like montage of related incidents in the film. Also, look for a hilarious moment when an old lady starts rapping to the karaoke version of Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five’s classic “The Message” – she’d give that other old lady from “The Wedding Singer” a run for her money.

“Away With Words” is recommended, but mostly for art-film enthusiasts.

Mighty Peking Man’s Rating: 7.5/10

Posted in Chinese, Japanese, Reviews | Tagged , |

Baroness (2000) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Baroness" Chinese VCD Cover

"Baroness" Chinese VCD Cover

Director: Anthony Lau Wing, Johnny Wang Lung Wei
Producer: Lau Kei
Cast: Anthony Wong Chau Sang, Chin Kar Lok, Anthony Lau Wing
Running Time: 89 min.

By TheFrankEinstein

According to the DVD case, Baroness has three selling points: Anthony Wong, exploding cars, and a naked woman. Well, it delivers on the exploding cars. But why did I buy this movie? Because I assumed that if Anthony Wong was in it, it must have its merits. NO. NO NO NO. WRONG. I learned my lesson well.

I’m not going to engage in the behind-the-scenes crap, I won’t speculate as to which star was the director, I’m just going to share with you how this movie sucked beyond suck. I want to tell you that the movie inexplicably halts in what SHOULD be the third act, so that the up-to-this-point heartless villain can have his car EXPLODE while he’s in it, then, apparently just mildly singed, break into a nurse’s apartment, ask her to help him, then promptly pass out on the floor. For the next ten minutes or so, this ruthless killer that you despise becomes a charming, gentlemanlike guest for this nurse, making small talk with her crippled mother (even telling her that she has a “filial daughter.” Wow. Thanks.) helping out around the house, then leaving a huge wad of cash when he leaves to go back on his killing spree. Let’s just say that this confusing little detour would have ruined this movie… if it hadn’t already sucked so inconceivably to begin with.

The “action” that in some Hong Kong movies can redeem a subpar story is here with all the storm and fury of an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. The setups here are composed of whoever the “hero” of the scene may be firing into a crowd of incompetent enemies, with them countering the attack by falling down dead, not having ever fired a shot. One time is a surprise attack, but by the fourth “gunfight” you’d think this shipyard full of goons would have been alerted to the gunman’s presence. Pathetic by even American standards. But was it stylish? Well, look at it this way. If you consider “Walker: Texas Ranger” stylish, then no. Still no. Never.

Anthony Wong, one of the cover’s promises, shows up about every twenty minutes to supply a little bit of comic relief (!?), torturing interrogates by mouth-breathing into their faces, to which they reply “stinky” while waving their hand in front of their face. Haha! Classic! And if he’s not doing that, then he pops up for two seconds to watch something explode, then berate his assistant with such gems as “You are shit. Let’s go.” Whoa! R. Lee Ermey eat your heart out!

So in closing, I can’t even recommend Baroness to an Anthony Wong fan, because… well… I am one, and I feel ripped off even when I paid a measly five bucks for it.

TheFrankEinstein’s Rating: 2/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , |

Sukiyaki Western Django (2007) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Sukiyaki Western Django" Japanese Theatrical Poster

“Sukiyaki Western Django” Japanese Theatrical Poster

Director: Takashi Miike
Cast: Hideaki Ito, Masanobu Ando, Koichi Sato, Kaori Momoi, Yusuke Iseya, Renji Ishibashi, Quentin Tarantino, Yutaka Matsushige, Yoshino Kimura
Running Time: 120 min.

By Mighty Peking Man

For years, a small town named Yuda has been dominated by two rival gangs: The Heike Reds and the Genji Whites (one group sports white, the other wears red). The two sides have pretty much taken refuge in Yuda, due to a treasure rumored to be buried somewhere within.

One day, a lone gunslinger, who is also in search of the treasure, rides in the gang-infested town. His solid skills and quick reflexes are immediately challenged by both gangs. Impressed by his skills, the two gangs have a bidding war to recruit the stranger, with each leader promising him a larger share (or better deal) if the treasure is found…

Sergio Leone took a big ass bite out of Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo and made one of the most influential Italian western films ever. Now, Takashi Miike – one of the world’s most loved cult directors – takes that bite back, chews it up, gargles it down, then spits it out on an odd shaped canvas. The result: a fun-filled flick full of violence, humor and wackiness (not to mention weirdness!).

Sukiyaki Western Django is filled with nods to some of the most popular Italian Western flicks we’ve come to know and love. It even goes as far as having direct references to characters like Django and Yojimbo, as if they existed in the same parallel universe.

Essentially, Sukiyaki Western Django is to Italian Westerns what Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vol. 1 was to Exploitation/Asian films. Both share the same execution… you know, a filmmaker’s love for film, making a flick for the fun of it, yet still packing that creative punch that will eventually make it a cult classic in its own right; And speaking of Quentin Tarantino, he does have a cameo in this film (and he does way better behind the camera).

With all the wisecracks, painted sets, neat perspective shots and quick animated sequences (The Bloody Benton), you still get some of Miike’s trademark vulgar violence… don’t ever expect this guy to pull a punch. I won’t ruin any particular scene for you, but there’s a moment where one of the “red” gang members says “My color looks good on you” after a traumatic killing. Classic.

The action scenes are well choreographed and there’s hardly a dull second. In addition to the gun-slinging, there’s enough slicing, dicing, explosions and beatings to go around for those who prefer something than just “John Woo” sh*t.

Sukiyaki Western Django is filmed entirely in english, but keep that subtitle button handy, because you can barely understand the cast members. The first time I watched it, I only understood 40% of what they were saying; the second time I watched it, the english grew on me, and I understood nearly everything.

Sukiyaki Western Django is a great film. If you’re a fan of both Asian and Italian Westerns, it’s a must. As for the people who thought this film was crap (and I was surprised at how many people didn’t like it), they were just taking it way too serious. It’s not a remake, it’s not a wannabe, it’s not a rip-off, it’s just a great director having fun while making a cool fucking movie.

Mighty Peking Man’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Japanese, Reviews | Tagged , , , |

City on Fire (1987) Review

Posted on January 1, 2011 by JJ Bona
"City on Fire" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“City on Fire” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Ringo Lam
Writer: Shum Sai-Sing
Cast: Chow Yun-Fat, Danny Lee Sau Yin, Sun Yueh, Carrie Ng, Roy Cheung, Lau Kong, Mark Cheng Ho Nam, Wu Ma, Maria Cordero, Parkman Wong Pak Man
Running Time: 105 min.

By Retter

No frills raw undercover cop story

This is a no frills undercover cop story directed by Ringo Lam. With an average budget the film tells its story quite tightly with fine performances. Chow Yun Fat stars as the undercover policeman who is also having relationship problems. Danny Lee pops up as the jewel thief who will basically befriend chow as the system pushes them closer together. Carrie Ng is the impatient and emotional girlfriend. Yueh Sun Stars as an older cop who has lost his son years ago in the force and is bending the rules to have Chow undercover.

I think Ringo Lam takes inspiration as much from French New Wave cinema as he douse from Hong Kong. The simple shooting style, at times like documentary, captures whats he needs and he is just concerned with making it all happen for the camera with settings and performances that ring true for the lens. Films like Un Flic and Le Samorai from French director Jean Piere Melville may have been the inspiration for Lam’s raw, simple style. This approach is effective.

We all know what film it ended up inspiring and Ringo Lams comparisons with his contemporary John Woo, Rather than ad to the subject dominance of the former I will just comment on the latter in That Woo only made one film better than this and it was The KIller. Despite Woo’s amazing and influential style he doesn’t tell perfect stories. City On Fire has a story that keeps you interested in what will actually happen. The dramatics of this picture are excellent. The performances all good. The characters are all concerned about their own situations and feel them all. Carrie NG creates a very beleiveabl character with some her subtle gestures and emotional outbirsts. The film is occasionally quite funny. Chow has a bit of a gift for comedy that transcends language and cultural barriers. This film and Lam’s other film starring Chow, Prison On Fire, always amuse me in their moments.

I was taken by this film. I cared about Chow and his vice like position. His impatient girlfriend, complicated job, going undercover and being followed by another police unit as if a criminal are situations closing in on him. Chow Yun Fat is a wonderful actor to watch. He can make you laph with his dances, wooing woman and can entrance you with his glare when he means business. There are some wonderful long takes in this film that lets chow bring you into his character. In his roles of cops and killers he makes you sympathetic. A gift to the genre.

Ringo Lam brings many of his regulars together to make a class production. You will recognise some of the cast if you have seen his other films. I figure he didn’t have the permission to shoot on some of the locations and it informs the shooting style, undercover in itself. Cameras lens poking out the window of a moving car to shoot the characters on the street. He just gets this film made. He has a pretty decisive vision. I have read you have to be tough directing films in Hong Kong. The schedules are busy, the budgets are low and the Authorities are strict. You have to be able to improvise and break the rules. Take risks like they do with stunt-work.

The script is way above average for a Hong Kong cop drama. This is a character driven film with less emphasis on action. A solid 80’s picture. One of my favorite films from Hong Kong.

Retter’s Rating: 9/10

By Brmanuk

After seeing Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs (which I loved) I wanted to see something similar. A friend informed me of a Hong Kong movie made in 1987 (5 years before Res Dogs) that was supposedly the basis for QT’s directing debut. The film was called “City On Fire”. Well, one year later (the other day) I got my hands on it. The film involves (yeah you probably know by now but what the hell..) a cop named Ko Chow (Chow Yun-Fat) who goes undercover to try and infiltrate a gang of robbers. He supplies them with handguns and is eventually asked to join the gang and rob a jewellery store. The story is a lot more complicated than Reservoir Dogs as there are multiple things going on in Ko Chows life, unlike in Mr.Orange’s life in Res Dogs. He is having trouble with his girlfriend, the police suspect him of being corrupt and are trying to arrest him and his Uncle is having a nervous breakdown over matters at work.

The thing that surprised me about this film was the amount of things that QT stole for Res Dogs. Remember the famous line “Let’s go to work”? It’s in here! Remember when Mr.White with guns in each hand, shot through the Squad car’s windscreen? It’s in here! Plus there’s a whole load of other minor things too. The acting in this film is top notch. Danny Lee who plays the Eastern equivalent to Mr.White gives a strong performance, as does Chow Yun-Fat. The action although infrequent is very convincing (Except for when one gang member shoots two handgun rounds into a car windscreen and blows it up?!)Some parts in the film don’t run as smoothly as they could have but its all good.

Overall this is an excellent film that is essential viewing especially if you’ve seen Reservoir Dogs.

Brmanuk’s Rating: 9/10

By Numskull

INTRODUCTION

“And now for something completely different.”

– John Cleese, Monty Python’s Flying Circus

This is my 100th review for this site.

It’s also a story.

It’s a story about me writing my 100th review for this site.

Much of it is pure fiction, and actual e-mail addresses, ICQ numbers, and AIM screen names are not given here. I owe a debt of gratitude to Alexander, Dave Bell, Vic Nguyen, Dan-O, and even Mighty Peking Man for allowing me to “use” them in this manner. I also owe Dave Bell an apology for giving him what may be the most fiendish, heinous, one-way-ticket-to-Hell piece of dialogue I’ve ever come up with (at least in my opinion…yours may be different. The good thing about it is that it’s subtle enough so that the casual reader probably won’t “get it.”). And Vic Nguyen owes ME a debt of gratitude for giving him the funniest line in the whole sordid mess (again, in my opinion).

Enjoy it, or don’t.

CHAPTER 1: LIFE SUCKS

“Oh, the world does not suffer its geniuses gladly. Far better, the popular philosophy has it, to be ordinary, plain, and undeveloped, to be properly modest about modest abilities, to be dim of wit and dull of eye; but if your mind can conjure up Great Thoughts, and your eye can pierce the veil of illusion to remark reality’s essence, the world does not want you.”

-Mort Castle, A Secret of the Heart

PROCESS:

Numskull keeps thinking of the Simpsons opener in which Bart is shown writing “I will not celebrate meaningless milestones” ad nauseum on Mrs. Krabappel’s blackboard. That was the 100th episode of that show. Numskull is determined to follow young Bart Simpson’s unwillingly scrawled words of wisdom and not make a big shithead production out of his 100th cityonfire.com review. However, he simply couldn’t resist the temptation to reserve the landmark spot for the movie which the website is bafflingly named after. The dubbed, Americanized City On Fire DVD from Netflix (the fools didn’t have the original version) sits atop Numskull’s DVD player, already watched, waiting to be sent back.

Actually, Numskull first saw City On Fire in subtitled form (with perhaps fifty percent of the text actually being legible, the rest either severed by the uncaring edges of the TV screen or obliterated in a sea of whiteness) several years ago.

He hadn’t seen what the big fucking deal was then, and he didn’t see what the big fucking deal was now.

Numskull despises reviewing films for which his reaction is lukewarm. It’s easy to rave about movies you love and it’s easy to rant about movies you hate, but middle-of-the-road movies…those are a bitch.

So there he sits, unable to shake the feeling that the blinking cursor is mocking him, listening to Subway To Sally’s music without really hearing it, and wishing that the damned review would just write itself. Then, the annoying “Uh-oh!” of an incoming message from ICQ chimes in, and, against his character, Numskull is thankful for the interruption.

Mighty Peking Man, still clinging to the absurd belief that ICQ is superior to AIM, says hello.

MPM: dude!

Numskull: Yeah, that’s me.

MPM: I’m at work. What’s up?

Numskull: The opposite of down.

MPM: DRY! what do you think of Lau Ching Wan?

Numskull: The same thing I thought of him the last time you asked me that.

MPM: cool cool. seen any good films lately?

Numskull: No, but I saw a sort-of-OK film lately. City on Fire.

MPM: I know man, I know, it’s not that great. But all the good domain names were taken for other HK sites.

Numskull: Be that as it may, I still have to excrete a review.

MPM: are you gonna talk about the RESERVOIR DOGS thing?

Numskull: I guess I have to. It’s par for the course. But, aside from that, I’m drowning, here.

MPM: nah, it’ll be cool man. I gotta go but I’ll be back later. you gonna be on?

Numskull: Yeah, I’ll be downloading nude photos of Mickey Rourke all afternoon. They’re not for me, though.

MPM: LOL are you serious?!?

Numskull: Sure. By the way, Merry Christmas in advance.

MPM: asshole! I’ll talk to you later man. bye

Numskull wonders if Mighty Peking Man has kept count of his reviews. Then he decides it doesn’t matter and starts forcing the words out. Sometimes, this can be tougher than forcing out the contents of your bowels while in the throes of constipation, but Numskull doesn’t want to disappoint his adoring fans (both of them).

REVIEW:

Here’s a question for you: would this movie be half as famous/well-known/popular among HK film geeks if somebody somewhere hadn’t accused Quentin Tarantino of ripping it off? My gut says no, because I remain to be convinced that City On Fire, in and of itself, is anything truly remarkable. My brain, however, says yes, since I often find the tastes of many HK film geeks somewhat baffling. Remember, a lot of “these people” consider Naked Killer a great movie.

I’ll say my piece about Tarantino in due time. I kind of hate to feed the fire in that regard because too much has been made of it already among those who know, but I get the feeling that it’s sort of expected of me to either defend Mr. Three Movies In Ten Years to the death or verbally shit all over him.

First, lemmetellyabout the first time I saw this movie. ‘Twas almost four years ago if it was a day, I reckon, and those of you who joined the party, such as it is, before the days of the DVD will surely be able to sympathize with me about the abominable quality of most subtitled VHS tapes back then. Despite not being able to read even half of the text, I stuck it out to see what all the fuss was about, and although I couldn’t always tell what was going on, the film stayed with me for some time after I finished watching it…mostly because of the last ten minutes, from which no one can deny that a considerable number of bits and pieces of Reservoir Dogs were lifted.

This was early 1998, and I was staying at UMass Dartmouth, where several of my suitemates were under the erroneous impression that Tarantino films were the greatest things since fake I.D.s, and I wasted no time in telling them about this movie I had watched over a weekend at home which had clearly served as a blueprint of sorts for Dogs. To no one’s great surprise, they didn’t give a shit. They were more concerned with making fun of me for my mythical “fear” of skunks (there were four of those furry bastards living at different locations on campus and they didn’t much seem to mind coming out in the daylight. I was known for going to considerable lengths to circumvent the known “hot spots” to ensure that I wouldn’t get a face full of that chemical spray they store in their ass glands, insisting that being AFRAID of skunks and having enough sense to simply AVOID the little fuckers were too entirely different things. You can agree with me on this, or you can be wrong.).

Anyway.

Now I’ve got me a captive audience (maybe six people, but it’s better than what I had back then).

Time to elaborate.

PROCESS:

Numskull gives his intro a quick once-over. He is unconvinced that the average reader is going to care about the skunks at his old college, or about that one time he turned his head while lost in thought about this very movie and saw one of them three feet away with its tail raised and its ass-end thrust into the air and he dived forward in what seemed to be bad action movie slow motion, shouting “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” while the black and white rodent suddenly decided to just waddle away. He leaves it there anyway, because he wants to pad the length of the review, which doesn’t look like it will be a particularly long one.

It’s number 100. It should be long, dammit. More is better. There would be more excess verbiage before all was said and done.

CHAPTER 2: ONE OF THOSE BAD GUY MOVIES

“You know what we need, officer, is like in those old westerns. A way to tell.
White and black. Good guys wore white. Bad guys wore bad guy hats.”

– David J. Schow, ‘Bad Guy Hats’

PROCESS:

It’s been a long time since Numskull has seen The Wizard of Oz, and, God willing, he will never see it again. The witch who could turn herself into a brightly colored bubble was right about one thing, though: it is always best to start at the beginning. When a person is asked if they have seen a particular movie with which they are unfamiliar, they will generally ask one of two questions: “What’s it about?” or “Who’s in it?” Those who first ask the former question may or may not be idiots; it varies from person to person. Those who first ask the latter question, however, can rightly be assumed to be mass media zombies of severely limited intellect and dubious moral character.

People with brains in their heads wanna know what the movie’s about. In this particular case, chances are most readers are going to know already, but Numskull decides to bang out a plot summary anyway…not just because he wants to eat up space, but also because, by God, it’s the right thing to do.

REVIEW:

There’s an undercover cop who must infiltrate a gang of jewel thieves while trying to save his stormy relationship with this bitchy woman. Meanwhile, his boss has to cooperate with some young punk who thinks he’s hot shit, and as his sense of camaraderie with his “fellow” robbers grows, he has to try harder and harder to prove to his superiors that his boss’s faith in him is well-founded. It’s a pretty good example of the torn-between-conflicting-emotions theme that the Hong Kong film industry has thrived on for years. The lines between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, and, to a lesser extent, the lawful and the unlawful, are continually blurred.

PROCESS:

Numskull’s only solace is that he knows worse plot summaries have been written.

INTERMISSION:

ICQ makes its presence known again. Numskull wonders how much time has passed since Mighty Peking Man took his leave, then notices that it’s not him for a change…it’s Vic Nguyen instead. This, in itself, is a minor miracle; Vic, by his own admission, never remembers (bothers?) to turn on ICQ.

Numskull decides to take the initiative and start up a conversation rather than sitting there like some panicky kid hoping the girl he likes will notice him.

Numskull: Hey you…out there in the cold, getting hungry, getting old, can you hear me?

Vic: No, but I can read you just fine. And it’s not very cold in Texas, by the way.

Numskull: Thanks for telling me. I see you’ve turned on ICQ for a change. Any special occasion?

Vic: Yes…the satellite that hovers over Massachusetts and transmits information directly to my brain told me that you were on, and I figured I’d contact you and engage in dignified social intercourse.

Numskull: MPM seems to think he has exclusive rights to “intercourse” with me, but that’s neither here nor there. What else are you up to?

Vic: Just the usual stuff…compressing my HK movie files and so forth. My jacks keep getting hair in them. I suppose I should get a haircut pretty soon…

Numskull: Fine, but don’t go to an old fashioned Joe’s Barber Shop…they’ll get freaked out by the sight of holes in a guy’s head. Go to some trendy place with obnoxious music instead…the stylists probably won’t notice.

Vic: Thanks for the tip. And what are YOU up to, besides 74 inches?

Numskull: How’d you know how long…er, TALL I am?

Vic: I see all and know all, remember? I’m just asking what you’re up to in order to keep the social intercourse dignified.

Numskull: Fair enough. I’m writing a review for City On Fire (the movie, not the website…well, BOTH, I guess).

Vic: Ah. It took you long enough. And how is that going? (not that I don’t already know, mind you)

Numskull: Not great. I’m about to start talking about CYF’s bitchy fiancee and how much she pisses me off.

Vic: Right you are…she may be easy on the eyes but she is most definitely a bitch in that movie.

Numskull: I hate bitches. I mean, I really fuckin’ hate ’em.

Vic: Really? I just happen to have a couple of bitches right here with mind control chips installed at the bases of their skulls. One of them is oiling my joints, the other is on her hands and knees so I can put my feet up on her…she’s a human footstool, and a damn good one at that. I tell ya, bitches are great. Everybody ought to have bitches.

Numskull: Hmmmm…well, time to get back to work I suppose. You know what’s really weird about this movie? Danny Lee is in it, but he DOESN’T play the cop. Truth is stranger than fiction. Gotta go. Bye.

Vic Nguyen is stunned.

“Danny Lee is in it, but he DOESN’T play the cop.”

That’s against the rules.

How can this be?

His body goes rigid, and his logic simulator makes a declaration it has never had to make before:

ERROR. ERROR. THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE.

CHAPTER 3: WHORE!!!

“I placed you on a pedestal — you tossed me in the gutter. It seems your lies were like those thighs — spread easier than butter.”

– Skyclad, “Bury Me”

PROCESS:

The problem with women in the movies is, they fuck things up.

Numskull ponders the frequency with which female movie characters make life more difficult for the good guys and his head begins to spin. There’s the buxom young wenches who flee from danger and inevitably trip and fall; the strong, heroic male is then placed in the undesirable situation of having to decide between jeopardizing his own life by helping her or looking like a coward for leaving the equilibrium-deficient bimbo to die. There’s the juveniles who get held hostage and make half-assed attempts to free themselves by squirming around in a feeble m anner; this squirming is often accompanied by the words “Lemme go, you creep” (when’s the last time you heard somebody call somebody else a “creep” in real life?). There’s the older ones who were stupid enough to wed cops or secret agents of some kind and raise a big stink and announce they’re not going anywhere until they find out what’s going on when the hubby says she has to leave the house or whatever because her life (and, often, the damn kid, too) is in danger; you would think that, after being married to someone in that line of work for X years, she would know that it’s in her best interests to just shut up and do as she’s told.

Stupid women annoy the living shit out of Numskull, in both movies and reality.

REVIEW:

Chow Yun-Fat’s girlfriend in this movie does a nice job when it comes to putting the traditional qualities of the spoiled bitch stereotype on display. She sits around with a picture-perfect bored/pissy/indignant look on her face, acts like CYF is abandoning her just because he isn’t by her side 24-7, and runs off with some rich guy because, as we all know, money is synonymous with happiness. This is one aspect of the film that makes it difficult to sympathize with CYF; his baffling devotion to this frigid harpy is an exercise in self-abuse if ever there was one.

INTERMISSION:

The phone rings. Numskull grumbles “Damn you, Alexander Graham Bell” and, against all better judgment, goes downstairs to answer it. Numskull hates answering the phone because it’s never anything important.

“Hello?”

There is no immediate response…a dead giveaway that this is a telemarketing call of some kind. Numskull decides that as long as he’s up, he might as well have a bit of fun.

“Hello?” says the voice of a young woman, most likely Caucasian and sounding rather hesitant.

“Yes?”

“Oh! Good morning.” (It’s 5:17 PM, Numskull notes.) “My name is…” (Numskull temporarily tunes out. When there’s a name attached to the voice on the other end, it’s harder to fuck with them.) “…and I’m with your friends at AT&T. How are you today, sir?” She sounds more confident now.

“Not so good,” Numskull says. “I’m afraid that you’ve interrupted my Satanic ritual and I’ve got goat’s blood all over my hands, here. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Well sir, are you aware that AT&T may be able to get you a better rate on your long distance phone calls than your current service provider is charging you?” She doesn’t miss a beat, as if she’s heard the Satanic ritual bit a thousand times before. It occurs to Numskull that he may not be the only one who bullshits these people in this manner.

“Yes, I’m aware of that, because you just told me. Listen, can we maybe hurry this up? I have to go outside and feed the unicorn pretty soon, and he gets all pissy and starts breathing fire at the house if he doesn’t get his scrambled dodo eggs in a timely fashion.”

“OK, I know you weren’t expecting my call, so I’ll be brief.”

The young woman’s babble becomes a meaningless buzz in Numskull’s ear as he peers out the window to see what the assholes next door are up to. As usual, the dipshit who drives the little red car has left it idling in the driveway with the stereo turned on, LOUD, for twenty minutes or more. Not for the first time, Numskull wonders if he could successfully and anonymously take a spray can to that car’s rear windshield and Paint It Black, as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards have so often suggested.

In the middle of the sales pitch, Numskull announces: “Actually, long distance phone calls will soon be obsolete for me, because The Great Leader is taking me to my new home planet of Eternia tomorrow, and I’ll be able to communicate with everyone telepathically. But thanks anyway.”

Click.

What was that about stupid women?

Numskull goes back upstairs and considers strengthening his mini-tirade about bimbo-ish behavior. He decides against it, since doing so would cause a few cretins to assume that he is either a misogynist or a homosexual. In reality, he is neither, but people are seldom interested in the truth.

He also considers mentioning the reference to CYF’s fling with another whore near the beginning of the movie…partially as a sort of feeble excuse for his girlfriend’s bitchiness and partially just for the sake of completeness…then decides it’s not worth the effort.

CHAPTER 4: TRUE GRIT

“I hate purity, I hate goodness. I don’t want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones.”

– George Orwell, 1984

REVIEW:

One of the things at which this movie succeeds admirably is depicting a believable, “everyman” type of hero. He is possessed of no particular desire to make Earth-shattering achievements or even generally make said planet a better place; he’s just a guy doing his job, and no matter how good he is at it, at the end of the day he’s still a real person with real feelings and real problems, rather than a law enforcement automaton.

Violence is here in no small quantity and it’s handled unflinchingly, as is to be expected where director Ringo Lam is involved. Shootings, stabbings, explosions, and Chow Yun-Fat’s naked ass…I know, that last one isn’t really violent, but it’s certainly not pretty to look at for us guys who aren’t into that sort of thing.

The only character who comes close to being really admirable…an all-out “good guy”…is CYF’s boss. We are naturally inclined to take his stance when he and the aforementioned young punk have a difference of opinion, because, despite CYF’s failure to measure up to pristine movie good guy requirements, his charisma is such that we REALLY wanna see him pull through and stick it to that asshole and his special force pricks. Meanwhile, the thieves with whom CYF hooks up seem like such a swell bunch of guys, we’re shocked…SHOCKED!…when they start blowing people away. If you want a movie with role models for the kiddies, look somewhere else, because you just can’t win with City On Fire.

INTERMISSION:

Vic Nguyen’s condition is growing steadily worse.

“Danny Lee is in it, but he DOESN’T play the cop.”

The electronic message superimposed against his optic sensors reads:

COMPUTE. COMPUTE. THIS DOES NOT ERROR.

CHAPTER 5: ON THE PHONE AGAIN

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

– Bill Clinton

PROCESS:

Numskull pokes around for a bit of inspiration, and decides to pierce the darkness of ignorance with the shining light of trivial and throughly useless knowledge.

INTERMISSION:

Dave Bell has taken up referring to himself in the third person.

Dave Bell has taken up referring to himself in the third person to be more like Bob Dole.

Dave Bell has explained, time and again, why this is the case. In fact, he’s doing it again right now on his radio show. Let’s listen.

“Dave Bell can’t stand Monica Lewinsky jokes,” he says. “Dave Bell knows that Monica Lewinsky jokes are no longer fashionable and that we’ve probably heard all of them that we’re going to hear, but still, Dave Bell hates ’em. They weren’t funny then and they’re not funny now. Like the one where the joke-teller asks somebody, ‘What’s this?’ and then puffs his or her cheeks out with their mouth tightly shut, and when the other person confesses their ignorance, they release their breath and say: ‘Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence.’ Apparently, this is supposed to bring forth torrents of laughter. Well, nuts to that, that’s what Dave Bell says.

“Mind you, Dave Bell is not necessarily saying that we would have been better off had Bob Dole won the 1996 presidential election rather than Bill Clit-in.” (That was Dave Bell’s private little joke, which some people took as a slip of the tongue, and others…hopefully including the FCC…dismissed as a mere mispronunciation.) “But, at the very least, we would have been spared all the Monica references. Now, though, Dave Bell is starting to hear some very similar nonsense about Bob Dole and Britney Spears, thank you very much, Pepsi-Cola,” Dave Bell nearly spat.

The phone rang, and Dave Bell groaned. Whereas the show was supposed to be conducive to attentive listeners calling in and offering intelligent contributions to the discussion at hand, it had lately been plagued by calls from ignorant individuals seeking advice for problems which they should have been able to figure out for themselves. It seemed that with the increase in the sense of “neediness” in the nation, a number of people mistook Dave Bell for one of those radio studio psychologists who dispensed words of dubious wisdom to those foolish enough to ask for it over a mass communications medium.

“Dave Bell, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, so how do I tell him I don’t want him to leave me in seven monosyllabic words or less?”

“Dave Bell, the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes is telling me I’ve won money, but they won’t give it to me. How am I supposed to cope?”

“Dave Bell, I don’t have the ambition to try and change the entire country, so what can I do to make the living room a better place for my children and my children’s children?”

On and on in that vein.

“Dave Bell doesn’t deserve this crap,” Dave Bell said, although he wasn’t sure if it was out loud or just to himself. “Caller, you’re on the air.”

“Ah, splendid. Good afternoon, Mr. Bell.”

That voice! That vaguely annoying voice that sounded as though the speaker was half-asleep and in a constant state of coming down with a cold! Where had Dave Bell heard it before?

“I won’t be on long. I just wanted to tell you…in case no one else has done it already…that the name of the character with the turtleneck sweater in the Bazooka Joe comics was Mort.”

Bazooka Joe comics? Turtle neck sweater? Dave Bell knew this had been an issue at some point. But where? And in what context?

“Mort?” was all Dave Bell could manage for the moment.

“That’s right.”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh yes. Quite sure. Mort. Short for Morton.”

“Well, uh…thanks for clearing that up.”

“You’re welcome.”

And the caller hung up.

Dave Bell was at a rare loss for words. Time for some music.

“Dave Bell would apologize for that, but the truth is, he’d rather hear about Bazooka Joe comics than about somebody having their pet rock die and becoming suicidal as a result. So…let’s have a song. This is for all you Gary Condits out there.”

Dave Bell selected “Where’s My Thing?” by Rush and pressed PLAY.

CHAPTER 6: THE QUENTIN TARANTINO THING

“You should be even more ashamed of yourself than usual.”

– Amy Wong, Futurama

PROCESS:

This will be like jumping into really cold water, rather than easing into it inch by agonizing inch. Better to just get it all out of the way as quickly as possible and be done with it.

REVIEW:

There can be no denying that this movie served as “inspiration” (that may be too mild a term) for Reservoir Dogs, but the EXTENT to which that is true has really been exaggerated by a lot of folks. Terms like “shameless plagiarism” with regard to ‘Dogs and “rip-off artist” with regard to Tarantino himself have been thrown around a great deal, and not without SOME justification, but to say that RD is nothing but an imitation of COF is, I think, a pretty big stretch.

The truth is, Tarantino steals bits and pieces from lots of different movies…he just stole a little bit more than usual from THIS one. The gunshot to the stomach, the windshield thing, and just about every camera angle in the last ten minutes or so except for all the cops outside the hideout…Q.T. is guilty as charged. Whether Reservoir Dogs is actually the better film or not is irrelevant; theft is theft, regardless of quantity, and Tarantino is not known for gracefully sharing credit with other people, including those who stood by him through thick and thin before he became a Hollywood sweetheart. If you’re going to hate the man, don’t do it because he’s incapable of coming up with completely original premises…do it because he’s a lying, backstabbing prick. I know, lots of people in the film industry have some disreputable shit in their pasts, but Tarantino definitely seems to have more than his fair share of it.

Mind you, I’m not trying to excuse his petty theft in any way, shape, or form. It is my opinion that he should be ostracized from the film community and suitably punished. I don’t mean a fine or a prison sentence…I mean, everyone who thinks Reservoir Dogs is such great shit should be shown City On Fire and allowed to draw their own conclusions, and he should have to make some sort of formal apology to Ringo Lam. In cases like this, it’s much better to embarrass people than to simply take their money.

INTERMISSION:

“Uh-oh!”

MPM again.

MPM: I wanna fuck you like an animal!

Numskull: So you’ve said.

MPM: What do you think of Lau Ching Wan?

Numskull: He’ll be dead soon. I’m going to assassinate him just so you stop asking me about him.

MPM: lol well that’s not gonna stop me. What are you up to?

Numskull: Still doing that review. Plus, I called Dave’s radio show and told him the Bazooka Joe guy in the turtleneck was named Mort.

MPM: wtf?!? why’d you do that?

Numskull: You’ll probably figure it out when you post this review. I hardly think that was relevant to the show’s topic…whatever THAT was. You think he’s gonna be pissed at me?

MPM: Nah, he’s cool as ice, man. don’t worry.

Numskull: What, me worry? I also thought about telling him the car blew up because a robber shot one of its tires off and it flipped over, but what kind of person would I be if I humiliated him like that on his own show?

MPM: You’d be a fucking asshole. In fact, your a fucking asshole anyway…BUT I STILL LOVE YOU!!!

Numskull: Hey, keep sweet talking me like that and you might get to cornhole me after all.

MPM: all RIGHT!!! well gotta go again. Catch u later man

Numskull: I lied. You’ll never take me alive.

MPM: Necrophilia it is then.

CHAPTER 7: CONCERNING THE PERFORMANCES

“I’m a fucking actor.”

– Brad Pitt

REVIEW:

I remain to be convinced that Chow Yun-Fat has ever given a half-assed performance in the Cantonese language. Of course, with the DVD I just watched I can’t tell because the stupid fucking bastards neglected to include a Cantonese track and force you to watch it dubbed or not at all. Truly, they should burn in Hell for all eternity. Danny Lee and, for that matter, everyone else seem to pull off their roles more than competently (especially the bitchy fiancee…I believe I made some mention of that already).

INTERMISSION:

E-mail from Dan-O arrives. Numskull wonders if he is being punished for some past misdeed with all these interruptions. The Dave Bell thing, though, was, of course, his own doing.

Hey Num, a while back I sent you some drawings that you never commented on. This depressed the hell out of me, so I ate a half-gallon of triple chocolate ice cream all in one sitting and then drew a picture of myself eating quadruple chocolate ice cream…no such flavor exists, to my knowledge, but I wish it did. Anyway, you’ve really hurt my feelings, here. You men are all alike…selfish, insensitive slobs. What do you have to say for yourself?

Numskull, uncertain of which drawings Dan-O is referring to since he sends so damn many of them, replies:

Hey Dan, my deepest apologies for failing to provide commentary for your childish scribbles promptly and courteously, but if you REALLY wanna get depressed, I suggest reading some of my crappy old Jackie Chan reviews and subsequently pitying me like you’ve never pitied anyone before…to think, we actually thought that crap was funny once upon a time.

Numskull sends it and awaits a response. Dan-O fires off e-mails faster than most people tie their shoelaces.

In due time:

Well, I’ll probably shit a great big chocolate turd in a couple of hours and have to unclog the toilet, so I don’t need to be depressed anymore. Thanks for the tip, though. Anything new and exciting going on?

Numskull types:

“Great big chocolate turd”…thanks for the mental image. No, there’s nothing new and exciting going on, unless you count my 100th review for cityonfire.com. This one’s for City On Fire. I’m so fucking clever.

93 seconds later:

Yes, I bow down low in awe of your cleverness. So low that I have to look up to see two earthworms fucking. Wait a minute, do earthworms fuck or do they just sprout babies or something like that? Ahhh who cares. 100 reviews though, that’s pretty impressive. You going all out on this one

Numskull:

Nope, I’m not gonna draw a lot of attention to it, because it’s sucking more and more with each passing paragraph. Reviews for so-so movies are usually the worst. So, can I expect a congratulatory fruit basket from you or something like that?

Then:

I’m not sending you a damn fruit basket, but I’ll send you a strip-o-gram. Only, instead of some gorgeous girl, I’ll send some wrinkled old wino with diarrhea, and yes, he WILL be force-fed laxatives before being sent to your home. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Numskull:

Mr. O, you have struck fear into my heart. Now I shall be unable to sleep at night. You will be hearing from my attorney.

The response:

You don’t scare me. “Attorney” is just another word for “lawyer” and I know enough jokes about those people to make them flee in humiliation. For example: what’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? Answer: there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Numskull:

Skunks, you say? Sit back, my friend, and I shall tell you a tale…

CHAPTER 8: THE END (NOTE: THIS IS NOT THE END)

“At least it’s not a moral. Worse than beginnings, morals. I’ve got no time for them. No time at all”

– Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones

PROCESS:

Numskull feels a little awkward, talking about the end of the movie already, after such a brief and generally insufficient overview of the film. But, he wants to get this 100th review over with in an inconspicuous fashion, so he plods forward.

REVIEW:

Spoilers ahead, but they’re probably nothing new for most of you.

For what seems like the hundredth time, Chow Yun-Fat’s character dies at (or near) the end of the movie. Brad Pitt, on his Fight Club DVD commentary, says that “nobody dies better than Gary [Oldman].” That’s debatable, although I doubt few actors of note have died MORE OFTEN than CYF in proportion to the number of films in which they have had major roles (at least outside the martial arts action genre, where you can bet your bottom dollar that Yuen Wah will bite the dust every time).

We get the impression that he would have died of the stomach wound whether or not he had spilled his guts (what a fine choice of words THAT is) to Danny Lee about being an undercover cop. Well, OK then, fine. But how about Reservoir Dogs, eh? All Tim Roth had to do to survive that movie was keep his fuckin’ mouth shut. However, at the precise moment when it is most crucial for him to just play along with it all, he is suddenly seized by some ludicrous notion that staying alive would be dishonorable, fesses up to Harvey Keitel, and subsequently gets his brains splattered all over the concrete for his trouble. Fucking brilliant. If you wanna say I don’t understand the whole “loyalty vs. duty” thing, or that I have no drama in my soul, go right ahead. I’d rather live to see a better tomorrow than take a bullet in the head from a hard-boiled killer who was once a thief, thank you very much.

INTERMISSION:

AIM informs Numskull that Alexander is now signed on. Good. Good. Numskull prefers AIM over ICQ because you can just hit ENTER with your pinkie to send the message you’ve just typed, rather than clicking, clicking, clicking away and wondering why it takes ICQ 43 seconds to send “no’ or “OK”.

Numskull: Where are my pills?

Alexander: I don’t know.

Numskull: I’m liable to hurt someone if I don’t get my pills.

Alexander: Then take some Flintstones chewable vitamins and pretend they’re your pills. Mind over matter.

Numskull: No way, those things taste like chalk. In fact, I ate tastier chalk in the third grade…it beat the hell out of the cafeteria food.

Alexander: I can dig it.

Numskull: One time there were ants crawling in everybody’s lunch, especially the potatoes. But I forget what year that was.

Alexander: Holy shit, are you kidding?

Numskull: Nope.

Alexander: What happened?

Numskull: Why, we ate ’em, of course. They were a welcome change from the mystery meat loaf.

Alexander: Well, THAT explains a lot. Any new reviews?

Numskull: I’m working on one now…on the verge of wrapping it up.

Alexander: cool cool

Numskull: Not necessarily…

Alexander: I’m sure it’ll be fine. Anyway, I just came on to check e-mail. Gotta jet. Bye.

Alexander signed off, and Numskull wondered why it was that he always had to “jet.” It was never “leave” or “depart” or “go” or “vacate” or “scram”…always “jet.”

Some people are just plain weird, Numskull thinks, as he scoops his fingernail clippings up off his desk and puts them in the jar on his window sill.

CHAPTER 9: THE END, CONTINUED (NOTE: THIS IS STILL NOT THE END)

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”

– George Bernard Shaw

REVIEW:

City On Fire has an effective ending. That’s one aspect in which it definitely beats ‘Dogs. By putting the lion’s share of the focus on one character as opposed to several, we are more genuinely moved by his demise. I’m not saying this is a tear-jerking epic, here, but it’s a dramatically satisfying conclusion, unlike that of ‘Dogs, which takes the easy way out by simply killing everyone off…a sloppy way for a lazy screenwriter to polish things off in a thoroughly unsatisfying manner (*COUGHexpecttheunexpectedCOUGH*). All things considered, I’d say it’s definitely one of Chow Yun-Fat’s better deaths.

INTERMISSION:

Vic Nguyen is malfunctioning like never before.

Danny Lee.

Not the cop.

ERROR. COMPUTE. THIS DOXX$&38&#(4837#(74#$0010110110011010010110010

When it gets this bad, there’s only one thing to do.

CHAPTER 10: VIC NGUYEN CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE

“Oh FUCK no.”

– Lou Diamond Phillips, The Big Hit

PROCESS:

As is always the case with self-aware artificial intelligences (except for the kid in that Spielberg movie that nobody saw), Vic Nguyen sees the multitudinous follies of the human race and immediately takes massive steps to rectify them. People just never learn from all the sci-fi movies, comics, cartoons, etc.

Within minutes, the processing power Vic normally uses for keeping encyclopedic notes on the Hong Kong film industry is devoted to boosting the broadcasting capabilities of his high-tech satellites. Mass communications media around the world come under his control. The time has come for Vic to do some major re-prioritizing with the information received by the general public. He decides that expanding the audience for Dave Bell’s radio show would be a good place to start.

And so it was that Dave Bell, in the middle of offering his sage-like advice to a distressed caller, was heard across the entire globe:

“Listen to Dave Bell. Trust Dave Bell. Attaching cinder blocks to your feet and going for a swim in the deepest river around is the only way to go. No chance of surviving and no mess for forensics to clean up since nobody’s gonna miss you in the first place. Everyone’s a winner.”

Dave Bell, preoccupied by worries about the wrath of the FCC, dismisses the thought wave transmitted directly from Vic’s brain to his as some sort of cerebral itch. Fortunately, Vic isn’t doing this for the kudos. He moves on.

Next, he places barricades on all TV and radio broadcasts, preventing them from airing anything related to the Colorado Avalanche, and plagues that team’s corporate headquarters with e-mails, faxes, and phone calls from “the powers that be,” demanding that they hand the Stanley Cup over to its rightful owners, the Dallas Stars.

Back on the cityonfire.com front, he decides that Numskull’s reviews should have at least as much of a readership as Leonard Maltin, and contacts him through good old-fashioned ICQ to notify him of the plan.

INTERMISSION:

Vic: Hey Nummy, what’s up?

Numskull: Very little. What about you?

Vic: Well, I just more or less conquered the civilized world, and I’m in an understandably good mood. So I thought I would spread my good fortune around and do some P.R. work for cityonfire.com. From now on, everyone who boots up a computer will see it, whether they’re online or not, and the computer will self-destruct unless they follow the on-screen directions (which I will provide) leading them to some of your choicest reviews.

Numskull: … You can DO that?!?

Vic: Sure. I DO have the Earth at my feet, y’know. Plugging one of my favorite sites is one of the perks.

Numskull: I see. Could you start off with the one I did for Armour Of God? I always liked that one, even if I DID do it more to amuse myself than to inform anyone about my feelings on the movie.

Vic: You got it, buddy.

Numskull: Good to see you haven’t lost the human touch.

Vic: Of course I haven’t. In fact, I think I’ll reach out and touch someone right now.

Numskull’s phone rang, and he was none too surprised to hear Vic on the other end. He had never actually heard Vic’s voice before, but a funny little tingle in the back of his mind told him that he was indeed speaking with the one and only Overlord Nguyen.

“So, Mr. Nguyen,” Numskull said, “You’ve just taken over every mass media outlet known to man, and the world continues to turn only by your mercy. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to Disneyland!” Vic squealed excitedly. “And then I’m gonna have all the TV screens show hardcore Asian porn instead of The Lion King or whatever the hell they usually play. Imagine all those little kids screeching at their parents to make it stop, make it stop…”

“I’d pay good money to hear that. Alas, I’m stuck at home. I still have a review to finish.”

“Of course! How rude of me. Don’t let me keep you from doing that.”

“Oh, it’s no bother. I have one question, though. What are you going to call yourself? Plain old ‘Vic Nguyen’ seems rather inappropriate somehow.”

Vic mentally shrugged, and Numskull sensed it. He said, simply: “Big Vic.” Then, as an afterthought: “With the Big Dick.”

“I’ll take your word on that,” Numskull said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, City On Fire isn’t going to review itself.”

“Of course not. Take care.”

Big Vic with the Big Dick hung up the phone, and Numskull went back to his desk.

CHAPTER 11: THE FUCKING POINT

“Up yours, children.”

– Armand Tanzarian, a.k.a. Principal Skinner, The Simpsons

PROCESS: Numskull re-reads what he’s got, rearranges a couple of things, sticks on an ending, and calls it a review.

REVIEW:

This movie is enjoyable, but I certainly wouldn’t label it a classic, a milestone, or anything like that. Were it not for Reservoir Dogs, it may very well be wallowing in obscurity as Just Another Movie With Chow Yun-Fat In It. He HAS appeared in, like, 70 movies, after all. They can’t all be The Killer.

See it…but don’t make such a big fucking deal out of it.

Rating: 6/10

INTERMISSION:

Mighty Peking Man wants to have another wee chat. The familiar sounds of ICQ soon fill the air.

MPM: dude!

Numskull: Yes?

MPM: how’s the review coming?

Numskull: It’s done. I was just about to send it to you.

MPM: cool cool. what do you think of Lau Ching Wan?

Numskull: I think I’m going to tear off your scrotum and feed it to the birds if you ask me that question one more fucking time.

MPM: LOL! okay…what do you think of BIG DICK VIC???

Numskull: He’ll be a Godsend. Someday we’ll tell our grandkids…well, maybe YOU will anyway, I’m not having any…about the way life used to be, and they won’t believe it. Hell, I can hardly believe it myself. It’s like some wonderful, drug-induced dream.

MPM: All my dreams involve Jaymee Ong and soap on a rope, but hey, to each his own.

Numskull: And here I was thinking you only had wet dreams about ME. I’m crushed. CRUSHED!!!

MPM: those are the dreams I don’t remember when I wake up, thank God.

Numskull: So when did Vic give you the good news?

MPM: Just a few minutes ago. Anyway I’m gonna go listen to Dave’s show. Talk to you later man!

Numskull: OK. If you call in for anything, don’t mention the Bazooka Joe thing. I want that little pleasure for myself.

MPM: You got it man.

Thus ended their third chat session of the day.

Without further ado, Numskull clicked SEND and left his 100th review in MPM’s capable (?) hands.

AFTERWORD

“I don’t trust any of you dogfuckers.”

– Warren Ellis, Transmetropolitan: “Nobody Loves Me”

Assuming anyone has bothered to read this far, I just want to say that the next time I have a case of verbal diarrhea this bad, I’ll just inject some Pepto Bismol into my brain and save both my time and yours. You can probably tell I was getting pretty fucking sick of writing this shit towards the end and I just wanted it to be over with. I suspect that your own feelings by that point were not dissimilar.

I’ll never have to write another 100th review for this site again, God be praised.

Thank you very much.

Numskull’s Rating: 6/10, in case your dumb ass missed it the first time.

By Joe909

I recently rented this dvd at Blockbuster, having first seen the movie at a midnight matinee about six years ago, and not remembering a thing about it. Unwittingly, I rented the dubbed US release, new soundtrack and all. The dubbing is just plain terrible. The guy doing Chow Yun Fat’s voice is the voice actor equivalent of Keannu Reeves; in other words, he’s lifeless. It’s also one of those dubbing jobs where everything has been calculated to make it seem as though the Chinese actors are actually speaking English ? their mouths opening and closing precisely with the words they’re speaking. Having not seen the film in so long, I can’t remember the original dialog, so I wonder how much (if any) has been changed. Then there’s the new music, which I like. I recall that the Cantonese version has a jazzy score. This US dub has watered-down trip hop that really isn’t that bad, though it does sorta sound like music from a video game.

As for the movie itself – certainly one of the best “heroic bloodshed” films. The opening bank robbery is my favorite scene in the film. When that old lady happens upon the robbery in progress, you know all hell’s gonna break loose. Another great movie moment is when the crazed robber (the one in black) starts beating on the bank manager, then starts fighting his fellow robber.

It’s not a perfect movie, though. There are too many plots going on at the same time. Chow and his fiancé are given so much screen time that not enough time is left to develop the bond between Chow and Danny Lee, to the detriment of the story. We’re supposed to buy that Chow and Danny have become good friends, when all we’re shown is one lame scene of them looking dumb in front of a pair of girls, and then having a serious heart to heart the night before the robbery. Though it was interesting, I personally would have jettisoned most of the fiancé subplot. Same for many of the scenes with Inspector Lau and the new guy ? there were just too many hands in the pot. Concentrating on Chow and Lee would have equaled a faster, more intense movie. But as it is, City on Fire just has too many ideas for its own good.

Here is where I’ll disagree with other HK movie buffs: I think Quentin Tarantino did it all better. He got rid of the fiancé. He removed the elderly inspector and his younger rival. Tarantino instead focused on the bond between the cop and the head robber, giving his movie a much heavier impact than City on Fire. Tarantino also improved upon the Mexican stand-off scene;  in City on Fire, when Lee holds his gun on his boss, the boss holds his gun on Chow, and the crazed robber holds his gun on Lee, the scene doesn’t play out as it should; the four of them are interrupted by another robber, who breaks it all up. Tarantino plays this scene out to its tense, proper conclusion, with everyone shooting at once. In City on Fire, the standoff is forgotten, until one of the robbers tries to escape, and the boss shoots him, which is hard to buy. This gives Lee a reason to shoot his boss: self-defense; Harvey Keitel (in the Danny Lee role) shoots his boss in Reservoir Dogs for no other reason than to protect Tim Roth, the Chow Yun Fat character. This is what gives Roth’s admission of being a cop so much more power in RD; in City on Fire, it comes off as more of a “by the way” kind of admission. And having Chow die is just plain sad; I remember how bummed out everyone was in the audience.

All that said, it’s still a great movie. Reminds me more of an Italian crime flick than a hardcore Hong Kong actioner, but it’s still a classic.

Joe909’s Rating: 8/10

By Tequila

Oh yes, one of my top five. Which is this at the moment.

– A Better Tomorrow
– The Killer
– Bullet In The Head
– City On Fire
– Insert random good film here

When I saw this, I thought “Ah, that’s what Tarantino stole from then. Should be good.” 5 minutes later I thought “Hmm, no-one said it was THIS brutal.”

I was shocked when, for no apparent reason other than using a phone, a man was stabbed with a large kitchen knife in public. I was even more shocked when a cop got his brains blown out at point blank range for ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER REASON THAN FOR BEING A COP. First things first, however good it is, this film will seem pretty psychotic at first look and you may not be able to take it. I can watch Bullet In The Head over and over, but it won’t shock me any more and there was no sickening jolt the first time but with City On Fire there was because there is just no warning whatsoever.

But that aside, the film was certainly deserving of the highest praise. While the action sequences weren’t at John Woo standard, I wasn’t really expecting much anyway – most of the violence was just in one-off events and really there was only one proper shootout. The scenes were tense though, which is what makes a film like this.

I felt that the acting was very good, but with Chow Yun-Fat in an award winning role I didn’t expect less and Danny Lee is also great in the film as the robber with honour. The support was also good with no real weak link as such.

I won’t talk about the main plot as that has already been touched upon many times, but the subplot of Ko Chow’s relationship with his girlfriend could have been a film on it’s own. It’s certainly better than some subplots, as you actually care about this one.

If you want to see a great movie and you can stomach scenes like the torture of a worker in a robbery (stabbing people’s hands was never so casual) you must see this, but I’m almost persuaded to take a half mark off because I don’t know many women who would want to watch such brutal psychotic violence and they are the only ones interested in Chow Yun Fat’s naked arse. YOU WERE WARNED.

Tequila’s Rating: 10/10, 9.5/10 if you are allergic to the sight of male buttocks.

By Retter

Ringo Lam’s “City On Fire” stars Chow Yun Fat as a cop who goes undercover to infiltrate a group of jewel thieves. While he does this, fellow cops suspect him of being corrupt and his girl-friend considers leaving him. This is a great movie which entertains with a good story and excellent performance instead of action scenes. Chow is at his charismatic best and Danny Lee is also good as one of the jewel thieves.This is one of Ringo Lams best films and I recommend this movie to those wanting a good story rather than Woo style action scenes. This is one of the earliest “heroic bloodshed” films along with the classic “A Better Tomorrow”. I would consider this film to be one of the greatest of it’s genre and I insist you that you check it out soon. This film also inspired the hit U.S film “Reservoir Dogs” which was directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Retter’s Rating: 9/10

By Vic Nguyen

Ringo Lam crafted this superb action drama, which is best known in the west for inspiring Quentin Tarantino’s directorial debut Reservoir Dogs. Chow Yun-fat bagged the best actor trophy for his emotionally charged performance as the undercover cop unsure of his loyalties, while Danny Lee is equally impressive as the honorable thief whom Chow befriends. Lam directs these actors with an incredible sense of pace and visual style, courtesy of cinematographer Andrew Lau Wai-keung. Overall, City on Fire is another masterful Ringo Lam production.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 9/10

By David Bell

City on Fire starts out with some guy that tries to make a long distance call after he tells the store owner it’s just a local. He gets knifed by five guys because he didn’t dial 10-10-321. The cops come and ask where Chow Yun Fat is because it’s five minutes into the movie and he’s the star after all. Chow is busy hassling a hot chick in a bar who’s trying hustle some short dude. She tells Chow to beat it so he does. On the guys head with a champagne bottle. The five knife guys, who are all bummed because they were rejected from a Foster Grant commercial, decide to knock over a jewelry store. A few things go bad, like when the leader – who dresses like the guy in the Bazooka Joe comics that wears his turtle neck sweater up to his eye balls – decides to play mumbly peg with the jewelry store manager and misses. When the cops arrive, Bazooka Joe holds them off by firing his .38 revolver into the squad’s windshield, which all good physics and engineering students know will immediately cause the car to explode. That lets the other guys come down and jump into the midget clown car for a get-away After the bad guys get away with three faux pearl necklaces that the owners are claiming are worth over $1 million so they can collect the insurance, Chow tries to do the humpty dance in the shower with the cite chick from the bar. Then he checks out her pits and tells her she’s got more hair than Madonna so he cuts out and goes to see his uncle, the cop from the knifing, and his grandma.

Turn s out ol’ Chow is a cop too, working undercover, and he wants out. But Uncle Cop reminds him he took an oath to uphold the law and he’s got pictures of him with hairy armpit girl, so he better play ball. Chow sells Bazooka Joe some guns and is offered a job with the gang but Chow wants to marry hairy armpit girl instead. Uncle Cop shows the pics to the rest of the station house, who immediately arrest and torture Chow for not buying his girlfriend a Lady Schick. After getting his arms stretched a few feet, Chow decides to keep going undercover and join the gang. Hairy armpit girl goes to Canada with the midget from the bar, but she’s deported to Hawaii until she can find some Nair. Bazooka Joe introduces Chow to the Foster Grant gang’s boss who tells them they can’t leave a two-room apartment until they either pull off another robbery or decide to let the Real World cameras come into the apartment. After a couple of days, the boss tells the gang there will be two facets to the next heist. First, they’ll hit another jewelry store in a part of town that has more cops than a Winchells Donut store. Second, everything they do will be documented for Quentin Tarantino to rip-off later.

The job goes bad when a sales lady tries to give the guys a 14-carat ring after they specifically said 24-carat only, so she gets shot 15-20 times from an 6-shot revolver. The cops come and gack two of the Foster Grant guys plus put a few slugs into Bazooka Joe and Cow before what’s left of the gang splits to a farm house next door to the police academy. The boss arrives and accuses Chow of being a cop, Bazooka Joe says the boss is a doody head and they all pull guns on each other. Just after they say “wouldn’t Tarantino just love this visual,” the cops from the academy open fire and pop the boss and another member of the gang. With just Bazooka Joe and Chow left, Joe tries to escape but Chow tells him he really is a cop and just to prove it, he’ll bleed to death right there. The cops arrest Bazooka Joe and charge him with raising the price of bubble gum right before Uncle Cop tells a young police officer he looks like the bad guy from Karate Kid II, a sequel that didn’t need to be made. So he smacks him on the head with the a brick. Uncle Cop’s boss looks at the young cop suffering brain damage and asks Uncle Cop if he wants to go get some donuts. City on fire was pretty cool, although it seemed to move a little fast in places. Visually, it was a treat.

David Bell’s Rating: 8/10

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