Assassin, The (1993) Review

Posted on January 14, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Assassin" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“The Assassin” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Billy Chung Siu Hung
Cast: Rosamund Kwan Chi-Lam, Max Mok Siu Chung, Zhang Feng Yi, Zhao Jun, Ni Dahong, Cheung Chi Kwong, Diao Xiao-Xiao, Song Ge, Zhang Guang-Bei
Running Time: 81 min.

By Numskull

Ho-hum. Once you’ve stopped flinching from the scene where the main character’s eyelids get sewn shut, you’re not likely to have a very strong reaction to anything else in this movie. And even if you do, it won’t last long, since Tai Seng’s incomplete special edition (why THIS movie?) clocks in at a mere 77 minutes, and much of the swordplay uses blurry slo-mo and the occasional severed limb to cover up its lack of vigor. The only really good fight is the tavern duel near the end (yes, folks, believe it or not, a tavern, of all places, becomes the scene of violence in a martial arts movie).

Remember, folks: you can’t spell “assassin” without typing “ass” twice.

Numskull’s Rating: 4/10

By Reefer

Tong (Fengyi), who seems to have a terminal case of bad luck, ends up getting separated from his lover (Kwan) and then locked up with a bunch of uninteresting goons. During his prison stay, in what can only be described as over-the-top sadism, his jailers manage to sew his eyes shut. Plus, we get the displeasure of watching the whole thing. Martha Stewart would be proud of the expert technique. Nice, clean, tight stitches!

Ever the sufferer, Tong continues to mope around the scenery, spending quality time at his favorite quiet place, which happens to be a pit filled with rotting corpses. He lights them on fire every time he shows up just so he can smell death. Nobody has to tell this guy how to party! As he instantly finds himself at the top of the evil Eunuch’s assassin food chain, Tong even gains an apprentice, Max Mok with stringy black Ted Nugent hair. He bonds with Mok after a battle by thoughtfully offering him one of his severed heads… Had to wipe away a tear. Sorry for the interruption. Anyway, after running into his old girlfriend, Tong finally decides he has had enough and makes a run for it. The evil Eunuch sends Mok immediately on his tail. More bloodbaths follow.

Let’s take a break and discuss the Evil Eunuch. I call him that because I can’t remember his name and… well, he is EVIL. I mean tear servant girls in half evil. I mean cram your fist into someone’s chest and play peek-a-boo with their heart evil. Man, castration must make you testy. This character could possibly be based on Coppola’s version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which came out a year earlier. He/It has the pale, pasty, knife-like finger nail, big hair, effeminate thing going for him. Besides that, he is just EVIL.

The Assassin could have been an interesting success, but a lack of style and characterization, plus an abundance of decapitations and flying body parts make this an uncomfortable mess. Most of the fights unfold without any noticeable choreography. They are just hacking away at each other like pissed-off lumberjacks. It’s not until the finale that some nice moves appear, though unfortunately they are interrupted by some misplaced wirework-crap.

Don’t get me wrong here. There are some points of interest too. The cinematography is an obvious bright spot. Lots of Sergio Leone/John Ford influenced landscapes and creatively lit spaces in the village. And director Billy Chung Siu Hung does create some elaborate shots that introduce most of the mayhem. But there is a reason that good production values featuring nice cinematography and attractive stars simply cannot carry a film. Afterall, sophisticated moviegoers just don’t go to movies only to see pretty pictures and pretty faces. But unfortunately, that is all that The Assassin has to offer.

Reefer’s Rating: 5/10 (for the pretty pictures)

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , |

Ashes of Time (1994) Review

Posted on January 14, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Ashes of Time" International Theatrical Poster

“Ashes of Time” International Theatrical Poster

Director: Wong Kar Wai
Cast: Leslie Cheung Kwok Wing, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Brigitte Lin, Maggie Cheung, Tony Leung Ka Fai, Carina Lau, Jacky Cheung, Charlie Young, Siu Tak Foo, Bai Li, Collin Chou Siu Long, Lau Shun, Joey Wong Tsu Hsien
Running Time: 91/93/98 min.

By Numskull

A very poetic multiple-storyline drama featuring a veritable cornucopia of mentally unbalanced and emotionally unstable characters who never make eye contact with one another and who speak like those black-wearing anemia victims who wrote all those poems about suicide for your high school’s twice-a-year literary magazine. The title is certainly appropriate; time does not flow normally in this movie. It jumps all over the place, makes loops, and skips 70% of the frames during the blurry sword fights. Sammo Hung choreographed these, but you’d never know it because you can never tell what the hell is going on, except when somebody loses a finger or nearly gets their tits sliced off. The slaying, whining, and philosophizing are accompanied by some pretty cool, surprisingly modernized music.

This film is not for those who use antidepressant drugs. Everyone just stares at the ground and elaborates on why their life is so miserable to anybody willing to listen. The only merriment is when somebody starts laughing because they have been driven insane by life’s ultimate hopelessness and futility. And hey, that’s fine by me. I’ve always felt that a thick layer of arsenic is in order to combat the sickening sugar coating that so much of the entertainment industry has put on existence in general. What pisses me off, though, is all the romantic elements here. Aren’t people capable of reaching the conclusion that life sucks and then you die without getting widowed or jilted or left at the altar?

If you don’t pay close attention you’re gonna be fucked because there are quite a few characters to keep track of and the movie flows without rhyme or reason, jumping from one scenario to another and back again with dizzying frequency. I’m sure I didn’t catch everything the first time through but frankly I’m in no hurry to watch it again. It didn’t exactly keep me glued to my seat but I can see where others would really like it. I know Wong Kar-wai is something of a sacred cow to some people and this lukewarm review of his movie will harm my credibility with some folks who frequent this website, but I don’t write these things to make friends. That’s my opinion, take it or leave it.

Numskull’s Rating: 6/10

By Vic Nguyen

Earning multiple nominations at the 1994 Hong Kong Film Awards, this swordplay epic for the arthouse crowd is one which could only come from heralded filmmaker Wong Kar-wai. Presented in a disjointed narrative, the numerous characters and subplots will confuse and puzzle upon first viewing, which is why multiple showings is a must in order to fully appreciate this thought provoking production. The cast, which includes nearly every major star working in Hong Kong, all deliver fantastic performances, while Christopher Doyle’s extravagant cinematography illuminates the exotic locales in which the movie was filmed at. A must see film, although it surely will not cater to all tastes.

Vic Nguyen’s Rating: 8.5/10

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All of a Sudden (1996) Review

Posted on January 14, 2011 by JJ Bona
"All of a Sudden" Chinese DVD Cover

“All of a Sudden” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Herman Yau
Writer: Chau Ting
Cast: Simon Yam, Irene Wan, Alfred Cheung, Dayo Wong Chi Wah, Fong Yue, Peter Ngor, Chang Yin, Lam Chiu Wing, Rico Chung Kai Cheong, Lee Ji-Kei
Running Time: 97 min.

By Numskull

If you like movies that prominently feature leggy Chinese women with big, pointy nipples getting wet and taking their clothes off when they weren’t wearing much in the first place, have I got a movie for you.

The fact that this suspense thriller from the director of The Untold Story carries a category IIB rating is a minor miracle; it’s far more explicit than the comparatively tame Too Many Ways to be Number One, and even Naked Killer for that matter (there…all three category III films I’ve seen to date in one sentence. Hah!). There’s no shortage of blood, and it contains a fairly long and in-your-face sex scene (no, I don’t mean oral when I say “in-your-face”), and, perhaps, the single most shocking moment I have ever seen in any movie…not shocking as in “Woah, I didn’t see that coming” but shocking as in “Holy mother of fuck, I can’t believe they showed that.” After seeing chopsticks used as sexual torture devices, death by excessive fornication, and some stupid cop taking a great big bite out of a severed dick in the aforementioned C3 films, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by much of anything that Herman Yau pulls out of his hat, but still…damn!

The plot, convoluted by HK standards (isn’t that an awful thing to say?) yet easy to follow, revolves around Ho-Yee, a wealthy woman with an unfaithful husband called Lam and a nameless son (unless, in an act of unspeakable cruelty, the kid was literally named “Baby”). After a hilarious opening sequence where two guys get into a car accident, one of them says “If you catch me, I’ll let you squeeze my tits” and then tries to flee the scene, a woman with whom it is later found our Mr. Lam has had an extramarital affair (or HAS he…?) plummets to her death. This triggers a chain of events in which Ho-Yee gets kidnapped by the dead woman’s husband, Tsui Chin-Tung, then, inexplicably, gets released, and…uh…so on. Too many spoilers are a no-no in any review and that goes double for films like this one.

This seems to be Irene Wan’s last role. She most likely got it because the arbitrary forces of genetics chose to instill her with enough sex appeal to give a full-grown elephant a heart attack, but, to be fair, her performance isn’t bad at all. The films has its ups and downs but it generally pumps along at a satisfying pace, and even when it legs…er, LAGS, she manages to arouse enough interest in the viewer so that they stay abreast of the situation and member…REmember, sorry…that no movie is perfect. After all, this film falls under the boner…uh, BANNER of “suspense thriller”…we’re not dealing with Dicks’…oops, I mean Dickens’ A Tale of Two Titties…um, Cities here. Cum on. Sorry…COME on. When she kneads…er, NEEDS to get something off her chest, she does it well enough so that you won’t autoerotically…whoops, that’s autoMATICALLY think that someone just hand job…uh, handed the job to her. Some of her most excitable spots…EXCITING spots, sorry…are when she says she can’t swim so she boobs…um, BOBS up and down in the water, when she gets angry at her husband for measuring the value of her life in nipples…er, NICKELS and dimes, and when she starts spreading thighs…LIES, that is, to protect herself and Booby…uh, Baby.

Simon Yam doesn’t seem comfortable as the kidnapper with the dead wife, but then again, he’s not supposed to. His character is hardly a bloodthirsty psychopath who mows people down like blades of ass…uh, GRASS (c’mon Numskull, new paragraph here)…he’s just a guy who wants some payback and resorts to some rather unsavory means to get it. He loses points, however, for his somewhat bored expression during his sex scene with Irene Wan. I suspect a good number of you would have happily murdered your own mothers to have been in his (ahem) position, but then again, maybe I’m misreading his face and he’s really just disappointed that this isn’t an all-out porno movie.

Everyone else fills their role sufficiently. Lam is a real worm and Inspector Mak, the cop in charge of the investigations, becomes a surprisingly sympathetic character about half way through the film after displaying some of the traits that made the police in The Untold Story such buffoons.

The occasional moments of stupidity detain from the film’s overall credibility. An armed security guard sees Tsui Chin-Tung assaulting Mr. Lam with a baseball bat, so he runs away. Another guard says he was “sure, sure, sure” he saw a certain event, then, in the next breath, admits he can’t be sure because he’s old and his vision is poor. The brakes on Ho-Yee’s car get tampered with, but they work just fine until she’s placed in a life-threatening situation. Lam says to Ho-Yee: “You’re always on top of me”…and it’s a COMPLAINT. The line “He was an old classmate of this guy” is incorrectly translated as “He was old classmate of this gay.” Pig’s brain soup broth is made with water used to wash a live rat (are we ignorant Westerners to assume that pig’s brain soup made with CLEAN broth is supposed to be scrumptious?). Worst of all, there are no subtitles for the dialogue during the opening credits (the subs, by the way, are burned onto the picture, but still legible).

All of a Sudden doesn’t come close to the level of intrigue generated by the best American thrillers (SEVEN, baby!), but it’s clearly a cut above the direct-to-cable trash they show on premium channels at 3 AM. It’s one of the few HK films I’ve seen with noteworthy music (courtesy of Brother Hung) and, in general, a refreshing change for anyone tired of the endless cop and kung fu movies that pour out of that city. Plus, boobies.

Numskull’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , |

One-Armed Boxer 2, The | aka Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The One-Armed Boxer 2" American Theatrical Poster

“The One-Armed Boxer 2” American Theatrical Poster

Director: Jimmy Wang Yu
Cast: Jimmy Wang Yu, Kam Kong, Doris Lung Chung Erh, Sham Chin Bo, Lung Fei, Wong Wing Sang, Sit Hon, Lau Kar Wing, Wong Fei Lung, Chui Chung Hei
Running Time: 93 min.

By Reefer

It’s collapsible design, small enough to fit in pocket, would make it the ideal weapon for self-defense, replacing mace and taser guns forever. Imagine. Your wife or mother never again feeling uncomfortable at night walking to her car or through the neighborhood. Easy to use too. Just pop open (looks like a small umbrella). Listen for the blades to click into place. And throw. A successful toss would land on an attacker’s head. Give the chain a yank and neatly pluck his melon off his shoulders. It may also be thrown with the blades outward, like some kind of satanic yo-yo.

I am, of course, talking about The Flying Guillotine.

This contraption is strangely the star of this film, pitting its violent power against the skills of the One-Armed Boxer (Jimmy Wang Yu). Operated by a quite testy blind monk, The Flying Guillotine repeatedly snatches the skulls of every one-armed fighter he meets. Seems that Wang Yu’s character has killed two of the monk’s followers and, being a somewhat vengeful sort, he goes looking for payback. The fact the he kills a few innocent men because of his blindness fails to ruin his day.

The monk follows Jimmy to a martial arts competition, featuring fighters of many different styles. The tournament really has nothing to do with the story, yet its spends a considerable amount of time there. Yeah, some of the other characters are introduced during the proceedings and this is really the only place in the film that you get to see real kung fu, but it brings the story to a halt. It could have been done in a better way.

Wang Yu plays the famous One-Armed Boxer as a calm, confident teacher who values the spiritual aspects of martial arts but won’t hesitate to bust some ass if her has to. That said, Wang Yu really looks kinda clumsy in his fight scenes. And more than once, he must rely on his wits, like an Asian Macaulay Culkin, instead of his martial arts prowess to succeed. I think that having to brawl with his right arm obviously tucked into his shirt really does not lend itself to the graceful or powerful movements we expect in most kung fu battles. I am not saying the he should have grabbed a hacksaw and went Robert DeNiro in the name of his craft, but where’s the dedication? Hehehe.

Another interesting aspect of this film is that the final battle eventually narrows down to two handicapped combatants. One blind. One crippled. Both powerful. This is an idea that I believe is completely unique to Asian cinema.

Too bad that there is such an absence of plot twists and the characters are not more developed. All that is left is watching the Guillotine do it’s thing. But that is still kinda cool.

Reefer’s Rating: 6/10

By Joe909

This movie has the most bad-ass theme song I’ve ever heard in a kung-fu flick. It’s even better than the theme song from Black Belt Jones, which is the highest compliment I could ever pay a kung-fu flick’s theme song. It sounds like Nine Inch Nails, of all things, only a lot harsher and with whacked-out, Cantonese (?) vocals. I have no idea who performs this song, for as usual no mention of music is made in the credits. I do know that occasionally, back in the day (and today as well, for that matter) US distributors would re-dub the music for chop sockeys, so I don’t know if this song is from the original version or was put on for US/UK release. In any case, I’m glad it’s there.

That being said, maybe I should mention the movie. It’s not bad, and it’s not great. The plot can be stated in the most bare of terms: “One-Armed guy kills government assassins. One-Arm takes his students to a kung-fu tournament. They watch a few fights. Meanwhile, an evil, blind monk vows revenge on One-Arm due to the above killings. Monk comes to tournament, kills a few innocents who happen to have one arm. Then finally One-Arm and monk fight to the death. One-Arm wins. The end.” All of this in a little over 70 minutes.

Wang Yu is the worst kung-fu fighter ever captured on film. David Carradine wasn’t even as bad. So it’s hard to buy that Wang Yu’s One-Arm character is so skilled in the martial arts. Everyone else in the movie is pretty good: the evil monk mostly relies on a flying guillotine, with which he chops off a few heads. The tournament fighters are probably the best kung-fu performers in the movie, including a Thai kickboxer, a Japanese guy who wears the biggest hat ever, and an Indian fighter whose arms stretch several feet, exactly like Dhalsim, in the Street Fighter video game. I would say my only complaint about these tournament fighters is that I wish the Thai kickboxer would’ve cleaned his feet, or at least worn some damn shoes. The guy is friggin’ filthy.

There isn’t much dialog in the film, so there aren’t any memorable lines. The only piece of dialog that made me laugh was when Wang-Yu, watching some dude jump a few feet in the air during the tournament, coolly informed his students that this was an example of “Excellent jumping.”

Like I said, there isn’t much of a story, but some of the fights are pretty good. Even Wang-Yu is kind of okay in his final fight with the evil monk. Using his wits instead of kung-fu skill, he uses a few secret weapons to defeat the monk’s terrible flying guillotine.

All in all, a simple story with some pretty good kung-fu and one hell of a theme song. Not something you want to go searching for, but worth checking out if you happen to come across it.

Joe909’s Rating: 6/10

By Amir

Jimmy Wang Yu stars and directs a film that we are told is a cult classic. The makers of many of the most popular video games of today would certainly agree, for this early 1970s movie includes several characters that are most certainly borrowed by the makers of these games. It is also interesting to note, that released shortly after Enter the Dragon, this has to be one of the first completely Hong Kong produced tournament movies.

As far as the fight choreography, it’s likely the best you’ll ever see in a Wang Yu film, moreover, the star demonstrates a skill for directing that by far surpasses other noteworthy directors of that time. The special effects are also surprisingly good, but if their is one element that makes this Master more skillful than the others is the unique soundtrack which has to be one of the finest music ever composed for a martial arts movie.

Amir’s Rating: 6/10

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99 Cycling Swords | aka Lung Wei Village (1978) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"99 Cycling Swords" American DVD Cover

“99 Cycling Swords” American DVD Cover

Director: Tyrone Hsu Tien Yung
Cast: Polly Shian Kuan, Yao Hwa, Lo Lieh, Hu Chin, Lung Tien Hsiang
Running Time: 91 min.

By Numskull

I know when I’m beaten.

I’ve tried my damnedest. I’ve made a dozen valiant efforts that have invariably ended in failure. I’ve turned it over and over in my head for ages and there’s just no getting around it:

Dear reader, it is outside my ability…completely beyond my command of the English language…to communicate to you just how stupid this movie is.

There are stupid movies with bad scripts, bad acting and bad ideas; those are the type of stupid movie that you see all the time. Then, there’s THIS type of stupid movie; the type in which the viewer’s intelligence is held in the utmost contempt, and the characters lack the mental acumen to chew their food before attempting to swallow it.

The “plot” revolves around the elusive “Traitor!” Chu Er Ming. He wears white clothes and a big hat that prevents people from seeing his face. Out to catch him are the Four Dragons, one of whom, we are told, is plotting some treachery of his own. They are joined (and soon overshadowed) by Shang Quan Tung (Polly Shian Kuan), a woman pretending to be a man. Of course, she fools all of her idiot comrades with the greatest of ease. They’re even less adept at discerning male from female than all the other people in all the other kung fu movies with cross-dressing in them. I defy anyone to point out a less masculine looking woman in mens’ clothing in any martial arts film.

Shang Quan Tung soon hooks up with Lo Lieh, playing a fighter whose black hat has more personality than he does. Like the Four Dragons, he doesn’t realize she’s a woman…not even when she changes clothes and pretends to be her own sister. The two of them set off to find Chu Er Ming, and the Four Dragons come along. “Even the traitor among you can join us,” says Shang Quan Tung. In the very next scene, she is appalled to learn that there is a traitor in the ranks. “TRAITOR?!?” she cries. “Who is the traitor?” Apparently, the concentration required to dress in mens’ apparel has an adverse effect on her memory.

It bears repeating that the stupidity of these characters is beyond measure. They see blue and call it green. They do not see a spy crouching in the grass five feet in front of them. They unmask a bad guy, tie him up, and drag him half way around the world before he escapes and they instantly forget what he looked like and whether or not he was someone whom they have encountered before. And Lo Lieh just stands around the whole time as if to say, “I’m a fucking moron, but at least I have a cool hat.”

Not even the frequent fighting can save Lung Wei Village from the absolute depths of sucktitude. More often than not, the “fighters” look as hesitant and as uncertain as they do when they’re not in combat mode. Add to this the usual atrocious dubbing, with gems of dialogue like “I could show you a thing or two if I can!”, and you have consummate 1970s kung fu crap, a superb representative of the worst the genre has to offer.

Numskull’s Rating: 1/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , |

Seventh Curse, The (1986) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Seventh Curse" Chinese DVD Cover

“The Seventh Curse” Chinese DVD Cover

AKA: Doctor Yuen and Wisely
Director: Nam Lai-Choi
Cast: Chow Yun Fat, Maggie Cheung, Chin Siu Ho, Dick Wei, Sibelle Hu, Ti Wei, Joyce Godenzi, Yasuaki Kurata
Running Time: 81 min.

By Perkele

The best mixture of martial arts, horror and fantasy since Sammo Hung’s masterpiece “Spooky Encounters”! The biggest difference between these two films is that “Seveth Curse” is set in modern times and so there’s also gun action thrown in for good measure. The cast is superb, the incredibly agile Chin Siu-Ho does some impressive martial art moves plus Chow Yun-Fat (though he doesn’t have much screen time) and Maggie Cheung in the same movie… need I say more?

To sum it, Seventh Curse is mega fun. A perfect film to watch with your friends when everybody is bored. This film has everything: blistering 80’s style martial arts action (helmed by Chin Siu-Tung, who directed the international hit fantasy “A Chinese Ghost Story” the following year), monsters (a giant stone buddha, kung fu fighting skeletor “Old Ancestor” and that creepy little “head” thing that eats people), nudity, horror, comedy (not your your usual splapstick shit), special effects, splatter (it’s surprisingly bloody for a HK fantasy action flick), and Chow Yun-Fat blowing monsters up with a rocketlaucher.

I can’t remeber much of the plot, but it had something to do with Dr. Yuen (Chin Siu-Ho) getting a curse on him and a good tribe living in some jungle or something. Dr. Yuen teams up with female reportist Maggie Cheung and a warrior from the tribe (Ti “Dick” Wei) to battle the evil sorcerer who has been terrorising the friendly tribe… Yuen must also get the antidote to his curse before it’s too late. Actually the whole adventure is told in flashback, by Dr. Yuen and Wisely (Chow Yun-Fat) at some party.

[Special note: The UK videocasette, though presented in widescreed and with subtitles, is cut. The scene where a girl from the tribe cuts his tits with a blade to save Dr. Yuen is missing (BBFC does not allow englishmen see bloody tits).]

Perkele’s Rating: 10/10

Posted in Chinese, Golden Harvest, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , |

7-Man Army (1976) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"7-Man Army" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“7-Man Army” Chinese Theatrical Poster

AKA: Seven Man Army
Director: Chang Cheh
Cast: David Chiang, Ti Lung, Alexander Fu Sheng, Gordon Liu, Chen Kuan Tai, Lee I Min, Chi Kuan Chun, Pai Ying, Ting Wa Chung, Leung Kar-Yan, Johnny Wang, Miu Tin, Fung Ngai, Chen Ming Li, Chan Wai Lau
Running Time: 114 min.

By Mighty Peking Man

7-Man Army tells the story of seven Chinese soldiers (Ti Lung, Alexander Fu Sheng, Chen Kuan-Tai, David Chiang and… sorry, I can’t name the other three) who defend a fortress against thousands of Japanese troops and Mongolian mercenaries (led by Leung Kar-Yan, Gordon Liu and Wang Lung-Wei). The film is set in 1933, during Japan’s initial occupation of China.

Though not as Americanized as Boxer Rebellion, 7-Man Army is still a very much a high budget, epic-like, polished production. It features hundreds of extras, big explosions, and even actual fighter planes dropping bombs.

7-Man Army is obviously a war movie, but don’t let the word ‘war’ fool you. Sure, it has the gun-battles, military jive and typical war film scenarios; but it equally qualifies as a good ol’ Shaw Brothers kung fu flick. In a way, it’s kind of funny – during many instances, hand-to-hand combat is the primary weapon of choice for the soliders; and if it’s not with their bare hands (or feet), they’ll still prefer to use their bayonets instead of just shooting the damn rifle – as silly as it sounds, it’s acceptable because it’s Chang Cheh.

Sporadically throughout, each of the seven men have their own little flashback segment (a la Bruce Lee, John Saxon and Jim Kelly in Enter The Dragon), explaining why they each joined the army. These mini stories help break up the war-setting a bit, making the film’s pace even better.

The finale packs one hell of a punch and if you’re familiar with most of Chang Cheh’s work, it should come to no surprise that 7-Man Army ends with a great dose of heroic bloodshed. Let’s just say that Willem Dafoe’s death scene in Platoon ain’t got nothing on this…

Recommended.

Mighty Peking Man’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews, Shaw Brothers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , |

7 Grandmasters | aka Return of the Seven Secret Rivals (1978) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"7 Grandmasters" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“7 Grandmasters” Chinese Theatrical Poster

AKA: Seven Grand Masters
Director: Joseph Kuo
Cast: Lee Yi Min, Lung Fei, Jack Long, Mark Long, Corey Yuen Kwai, Chin Yuet Sang, Alan Chui, Nancy Yen, Cheung Ching Fung, Lee Yan Wa, Yuen Sam, Ma Chin Ku, Chen Chiu, Chiu Chung Hing, Lee Siu Fei
Running Time: 89 min.

By Tyler

I have to open my review by stating that this film is not groundbreaking stuff, but it is a bucket full of old school kung fu action. It’s one of the best Taiwanese kung fu flicks, and probably the one with the lowest budget. Joseph Kou is the most amazing martial arts director. He incorporates heavy acrobatics with incredible athletic choreography and some truly amazing acrobatic stunts.

One of the best scenes is when Mark Long battles the monkey stylist. When Li Yi Min joins the group, after countless scenes of getting taunted, he becomes Mark Long’s best student. Along with the taunting, there are scenes of Jackie Chan-style humor, and the always inevitable “bumbling students becomes kung fu master.” When Li Yi Min’s character hears that Mark Long killed his father, Li Yi Min learns the “3 Superior Strikes of Pai Mek (white-eyebrow)” from a dark clothed character. Mark Long knows the other nine strikes that he has already taught to Li Yi Min. After a fight between master and student, the dark character reveals himself as the man whom really killed Li Yi Min’s father.

I’m sure you can take it from here. I highly recommend this awesome kung fu Flick. Joseph Kou, god bless you for this film.

Tyler’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , |

Retribution Sight Unseen | aka 3 Days of a Blind Girl (1992) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"Retribution Sight Unseen" Chinese DVD Cover

"Retribution Sight Unseen" Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Chan Wing Chiu
Producer: Alfred Cheung Kin-Ting
Writer: So Man Sing
Cast: Anthony Wong, Veronica Yip, Jamie Luk, Anthony Chan, Alfred Cheung
Running Time: 83 min.

By Gwailo

The plot of Retribution Sight Unseen is lifted in part from the Michael Apted film Blink, with Madeline Stowe as the main afflicted and Terence Young’s, Wait Until Dark, with Audrey Hepburn as the tormented blind. This HK counterpart gives it that glorious Cat III punch and it’s ‘over the topness’ makes the film surpass others in the genre.

Veronica Yip is struck with a loss of eyesight for 72 hours (some mumbo jumbo of ruptured blood vessels causing the damage). Her husband, a renowned heart surgeon, must leave her home in HK to attend a medical conference in Macau. By now you know what will occur in the remainder of the film because you’ve seen this device time and again. As hubby exits, Anthony Wong steps on the scene. Wong tells Yip he’s an old buddy of the doc’s and would like to thank him for performing life saving heart surgery on his wife. Yip informs him of her hubby’s absence and politely invites Wong in for tea. The audience groans at her stupidity as we know Wong is there for good. Mayhem ensues and Wong chews scenery.

The typical cliches are enlisted-phone lines cut, light’s go out, deserted home where no one can hear you yelp for help, and a HK favorite, the family pup served for supper. Wong’s reasoning for catching the crazies is his cheating wife. Turn’s out Yip’s surgeon-hubby was treating/banging Wong’s wife on the side as well as prescribing vitamins instead of heart medicine, thus leading to her death and Wong’s psychotic vengeance. At one point in the film, delusional Wong tell’s Yip,”He fucked my wife, I want to fuck his”. All’s fair in love and war, I guess, but Wong doesn’t succeed. As Yip slowly regains her sight, she takes him on in combat, grabbing anything she can for defense, including a humongous frozen sausage, which she uses to whack him over the dome with. Hysterical, and worth the watch alone. Eventually, retribution sight is seen and Yip wins the battle-as if you didn’t know that would happen.

What would a Veronica Yip movie be without nudity? A bad Veronica Yip movie. Since this one is not, we are treated to an unforgettable shower diddy, more funny than bone inducing, as Wong slips in behind Yip and mimes washing her. Wong’s portrayal of the weirdo is like many other characters he had played in Cat III films of the time, more disturbingly absurd than menacing. His wardrobe stand’s out in the film and is chuckle inducing. Along with his scraggly long hair, he dresses like a mountain-man from one of those Ricola cough drop commercials-clad in green hiking shorts and suspenders. There is also some choice banter between the two stars as Yip reveals that she sometimes thinks of Chow Yun-fat while making love to her husband, to which Wong replies,”How about Jackie Chan, Andy Lau, Aaron Kwok?”. Adding in gwailo Richard Gere as well.

The movie is very well made and though some of the suspense comes off silly, do to Wong’s nut job performance, it is strongly maintained and reminds of a Dario Argento shocker. The acting by Yip is quite good and along with the film, deserves some type of award.

Gwailo’s Rating: 8.5/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews |

36 Crazy Fists, The | aka Bloodpact (1979) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The 36 Crazy Fists" Theatrical Poster

“The 36 Crazy Fists” Theatrical Poster

Director: Chan Chi Hwa
Writer: Sze To On
Cast: Tony Leung Siu Hung, Lau Kar Yung, Ma Hon Yuen, Paul Chun Pui, Ku Feng, Fung Hak On, Yen Shi Kwan, Michelle Mai Suet, Chan Lau
Running Time: 90 min.

By Kenneth T

Now, I know there are a million reviews telling how bad this movie is but I actually liked it. I think the problem with most people is that it was falsly advertised as a Jackie Chan movie. Hell, I was mad too. But after careful review of this movie, I think it’s the shit. Maybe the story line is a little bit goofy but this movie is a masterpiece. Being directed by Jackie Chan and all it would have to be the stuff. It has a very young Liu Chia Yung in it and Hung Fak On. The fight scene at the end is really good.

Bottom Line: It’s not the story line that counts. But the quality martial arts.

Kenneth T’s Rating: 9/10

By Numskull

Rejoice my friends, for I have at long last convinced messire Bona to open up this legendary film for all sorts of constructive commentary. I am, however, deeply offended by the vile and slanderous remark that he made about me in his review for “Cannonball Run II.” So, as just punishment, I am sending him all sorts of inane and space-eating messages via e-mail (such as “‘Tis better to shed this mortal coil with lobsters on your piano than with crabs on your organ”) while refusing to respond to the pleas for forgiveness he keeps writing me (you don’t talk to Numskull you listen mother fucker!). This will continue for an indefinite period of time. Meanwhile, on with the review. 36 Crazy Fists is a very interesting film to show to 1,000 monkeys before putting them to work on 1,000 typewriters because the primates stand an excellent chance of duplicating the script word-for-word in a matter of minutes due to its highly repetitive nature. Here is the gloriously intricate plot structure for 36 Crazy Fists in 15 easy steps:

1. Kung fu underdog gets terrorized.
2. Kung fu underdog seeks revenge.
3. Kung fu underdog trains hard to become kung fu overdog.
4. Kung fu overdog beats bad guy(s).
5. Kung fu overdog gets challenged by big bad boss man.
6. Repeat step 4.
7. Kung fu overdog gets challenged by even bigger and badder boss man.
8. Repeat step 6.
9. Repeat step 7.
10. Repeat step 8.
11. Entire kung fu community is struck dumber than Jackie Chan’s Shaolin Wooden Men character with the realization that all of its big bad boss men are dead.
12. With no competition to keep him occupied, kung fu overdog hires a group of bad guys and becomes a big bad boss man himself.
13. Big bad boss man sights kung fu underdog.
14. Repeat step 1.
15. The eternal struggle continues.

If you would just as soon watch a kung fu demonstration through the eyes of the singer in John Woo’s “The Killer” while wearing earmuffs, then jump right in; the water’s fine. Otherwise, ignore this movie the same way McDonald’s ignores FDA regulations.

Numskull’s Rating: 3/10

By Tyler

The 36 crazy fist aren’t really that crazy, because they are very boring. A better name for this film would probably be”The Little Shaolin Weenie”. This film is like the “ugly duckling learns kung fu, and beats up everyone”, and another thing Jackie doesn’t even star in it. Jackie was the martial arts director for this film, but was a big disappointment. This film kept repeating itself too, it was you like this”You killed him so now I’ll kill you” (Then he dies and another guy shows up) “You killed him now I’ll kill you”(Then he dies and those two guys master shows up) “You killed my best students, and you insulted me, now you will die!” (So then we see a boring drawn out kung fu scene with a beggar and two Shaolin guys watching,and then the master dies the end). Although I don’t like this film it did have some comedic elements. I listed some down below is how the “Weenie” learned Kung Fu during the film.

1.The second Shaolin guy beats up the little “Weenie”
2.Beggar beats up “Weenie”
3. “Weenie” learns a bit of Kung Fu and fights second Shaolin guy, and learns a bit more Kung Fu
4.”Weenie” goes to learn more Kung Fu from Beggar, but Beggar’s student beats “Weenie” up
5.”Weenie” learns more Kung Fu, and fights gang and beats them up
6.Gets challenged by gangs leader, and goes back to Shaolin and learns more Kung Fu
7.”Weenie” kills gangs leader, and gets challenged by gang leaders brother (they have to fight with weapons)
8.”Weenie” learns a little about fighting with weapons,and then fights brother of gang leader
9.Shaolin monks help “Weenie” cheat and so “Weenie” kills bother of gang leader
10.Master of the two brothers challenges “Weenie” so “Weenie” learns the (get this) “The 36 Crazy Styles”
11. The beggar’s student and “Weenie” use the 36 crazy styles to kill the master the end

This film has also been called Jackie Chan’s Bloodpact, but don’t be fooled by the pretty cover. this isn’t a Chan film.

Tyler’s Rating: 1/10

By T-Man

I remember watching kung fu movies on “Kung Fu Theater” late Saturday mornings when I was a youngster. The movies were always bad but I was a kid so what did I know. Stupid plots, people flying in the air, kung fu gorillas, etc. I’m sure 36 Crazy Fists was one of these horrible movies!

Bottom line: Unless you are purposely looking for a cheesy kung fu movie, avoid this film at all costs! The acting is pititful, the jokes are bad, and the actual 36 Crazy Fists technique is just plain silly looking. Jackie Chan is NOT in the movie. He is shown before the movie instructing the actors and it’s almost as boring as the actual movie. You’d be making better use of your time if you sat and stared at the wall for an hour and a half!

T-Man’s Rating: 2/10

By Alvin George

I can’t believe I bought this shit for three lousy bucks at Circuit City! I got it in October 1998 because it was the only “Jackie Chan” movie that I could afford at the time. When I started to watch it at home, the sound was barely audible, though I noticed that “Jackie” didn’t dub his own voice for that one. I ended up returning it as a defective product (without finishing it, of course), but it wouldn’t go out of my life. I saw footage of it in that stupid “Fists of Chan” documentary video. I actually saw more of the movie on that video than I did on the first copy. Nevertheless, I foolishly believed the whole time that Jackie Chan was really in the movie. Then I stumbled onto Jeff’s site and discovered to my horror that Jackie Chan was NOT really in the movie as the star, though he did appear at the beginning as the stunt coordinator. I started getting angry at the video companies Platinum and Parade, but I never went as far as writing any letters. Then I read Jackie Chan’s autobio and discovered that the unscrupulous producers promoted this as a “Jackie Chan” movie way back in 1979 or whatever, incorporating the behind-the-scenes shit into the movie. The companies must’ve been fooled. Fraud aside, the movie itself isn’t that good. It’s lame as hell, with typical campy dialogue, though some of the fight scenes were OK. (After all, JC was the stunt coordinator.) Skip this crap.

Alvin George’s Rating: 2/10

Posted in All, Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , |

2046 (2004) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"2046" International Theatrical Poster

“2046” International Theatrical Poster

Director: Wong Kar-Wai
Cast: Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, Faye Wong Fei, Gong Li, Zhang Ziyi, Carina Lau Ka-Ling, Maggie Cheung Man-Yuk, Tung Jei, Takuya Kimura, Bey Logan
Running Time: 129 min.

By Iuxion

The latest film from Wong Kar Wai needs no introduction. Kind of a sequel to his previous feature, In the Mood for Love, 2046 tells the story of Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung), an author who pens the science fiction story of the movie’s title, in which the protagonist (Takuya Kimura) boards a train to 2046, a place where nothing ever changes. Cutting between the past, the future, and the present, the bulk of the movie lies in the exploration of Chow Mo Wan’s various failed relationships with women played by Zhang Ziyi, Carina Lau, and Gong Li, with brief glimpses of a character played by Maggie Cheung, presumably the same one from In the Mood For Love.

As expected, the cinematography and music are absolutely outstanding, and the entire film is, without a doubt, a technical marvel. However, the pace is at times, a little slow, and admittedly, Tony Leung’s Chow Mo Wan is one of Mr. Wong’s least likable lead characters (very different from the Chow Mo Wan of In the Mood For Love, although the differing characterization makes sense from a story standpoint).

For me, it’s probably one of my least favorite Wong Kar Wai movies, but that really doesn’t mean anything, considering I’ve loved every single one I’ve seen up to this point. There’s really nothing particularly better or worse about 2046, and I’m sure someone will find this to be their favorite, depending on what they take from the experience. In any case, it’s not to be missed.

Iuxion’s Rating: 8/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , |

100 Ways To Murder Your Wife (1986) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"100 Ways To Murder Your Wife" Chinese DVD Cover

"100 Ways To Murder Your Wife" Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Kenny Bee
Producer: Wong Jing
Writer: Law Kai Yui
Cast: Chow Yun-Fat, Joey Wang, Kenny Bee, Anita Mui, Wu Ma, Anthony Chan
Running Time: 91 min.

By Numskull

For a black comedy, this is pretty grey. Chow Yun-Fat and Kenny Bee are two noteworthy football/soccer players (Fa and Roberto, respectively) who get drunk off their asses one night and agree to kill each other’s wives. Fa’s wife Hsiao Hsien (Joey Wang) is a friendly, cutesy housepet of a woman whom he is convinced is sleeping around behind his back and is plotting to kill HIM. Bee’s spouse, Fang (Anita Mui, who gives the best performance of the main actors), is a nagging harpy who loves nothing more than pointing out her husband’s failures and shortcomings in front of other people. One hangover after the deal is struck, Roberto has lost his enthusiasm, but Fa declares that he has kept his end of the bargain and that Hsiao Hsien must die. In between half-assed attempts on her life, Roberto gets pretty chummy with her, which further enrages Fa.

The last third of the movie has a different (and worse) feel to it and suffers from excessive coincidence and an icky, gooey, preposterous kiss-and-make-up ending. This is an extension of the film’s key problem: it just isn’t nasty enough. The characters need to be more despicable, the dialogue more heated, and the general tone more cynical for this thing to really work. There are some mildly amusing moments, but true black comedy in a severed, blood-gushing vein is what’s really required here. Wong Jing produced, so it’s no wonder the film is more silly than nasty.

I will leave you with this snafu and vivid mental image: Fa and Hsiao Hsien have a dog named Nancy. Presumably, this dog is a female (or a bitch, if you will). However, when we see…”Nancy”…for the first time, her/his/its cock and balls are swinging all over the place. You don’t have to be some perverted, beast-humping redneck to notice. As long as you’re looking at the screen, you’ll see it. I will not, however, go so far as to say that this is one of the most interesting things in this lame, boring film. That would be…you know…weird.

Numskull’s Rating: 4/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews |

All Men Are Brothers | aka Water Margin 2 (1973) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"All Men Are Brothers" Chinese Theatrical Poster

"All Men Are Brothers" Chinese Theatrical Poster

AKA: 7 Soldiers of Kung Fu, 108 Heroes
Director: Chang Cheh, Wu Ma
Producer: Sir Run Run Shaw
Cast: David Chiang, Ti Lung, Chen Kuan Tai, Danny Lee, Michael Chan, Betty Chung, Guk Fung (Yu Feng), Lily Ho, Yueh Hua, Tetsuro Tamba (Tetsuro Tanba), Bolo Yeung, Wong Chung, Chan Sing
Running Time: 101 min.

By Joe909

There is more epic-scale action in the first ten minutes of All Men Are Brothers than there is in the entire running time of its predecessor, The Water Margin. Events seem to pick up right after those shown in the Water Margin, but it’s not in the least necessary to see that movie before watching this one. In fact, All Men gets started with a recap of several things that didn’t even happen in the Water Margin, as several battles are waged between the 108 Outlaws of the Marsh and the rebels they’re against.

This opening act flows along rapidly, with an onscreen legend (in Chinese and English) giving you the background of the events about to be seen. It’s humorous that these legends also tell you how these events are going to end, too. Anyway, here we see lots of cool battle scenes as members of the Marsh army decimate their foes in large battles, sacrificing themselves for the cause. Best part of all: one of the Outlaw leaders is portrayed by the same guy who played the ninja leader in Five Element Ninja! I love that guy!

After this bloody opening, things get started with a meeting of the leaders of the Marsh. It’s decided that rebel leader Fang La is the greatest threat to the Emperor, so a force is sent to destroy his stronghold city of Yongjinmen. The city however is well-guarded, with high walls and even water fortifications. This is the part where the movie shows the limits of its budget, though. Where the Water Margin merely hinted at naval warfare, All Men shows an armada assault on Yongjinmen, and it isn’t pretty. Only a handful of boats are shown, and they’re waylaid by a half-assed gate of wire-laced logs. The naval force is wasted, with only one guy escaping to tell the tale.

The Marsh leaders then send a few heroes into the city alone, to figure out a way to break down the defenses so the Outlaw army can get in, by land and by sea. This successfully whittles down the unwieldy cast list, and we’re given only a few heroes to root for, which makes the movie much more accessible than its predecessor. David Chiang is of course one of these guys, some of the others being Chen Kuan-Tai, Wang Chung, and Danny Lee. Ti Lung unfortunately isn’t along for the trip, but shows up long enough for some heroic sacrifice at the very end.

The movie soon becomes a protracted cat-and-mouse scenario, with the Outlaws trying to evade being caught in Yongjinmen. Much like the Water Margin was an endless loop of guys getting captured, jailed, and then freed, All Men Are Brothers is an endless loop of the Outlaws being spotted by rebel soldiers, then making a lone, heroic stand against them. Imagine a movie comprised of several bloody set pieces similar to the finale of Boxer from Shantung, and you’ll get an idea of what All Men Are Brothers is like. Unlike the Water Margin, though, this endless loop of battles is entertaining, and doesn’t grate your nerves. Admitably however, the movie is mostly braindead in the story department.

One surprising aspect of the Water Margin was that all of the heroes survived. To say this was unusual for a Chang Cheh movie is an understatement. I have a feeling Chang woke up in the middle of the night after completing that film, sputtering “What in the hell have I done?” and promptly got to work on All Men Are Brothers, in which EVERYONE dies. The violence level is fantastic, with multiple dismemberings, hackings, and slicings. Chen Kuan-Tai gets the best scene in the entire film, using whatever he can get his hands on as a weapon, killing tons of guys. The Shaws red blood is everywhere throughout the length of the film. This is one of the most violent Shaw Brothers flicks for sure. Another name for the movie could have been “All Men Are Bloody.”

Like the Water Margin, the Celestial DVD release is near-perfection. I have read that it’s slightly edited, though. Apparently there were a few extra seconds of violence in the US print of the movie. In particular, I’ve read that there was a shot of David Chiang getting stabbed in the back (literally) during his final battle sequence. On the other hand, the US print was not in any way preferable; the US release of All Men Are Brothers reverted to black and white to obscure several of the more violent scenes. The Celestial release is in glorious color throughout.

Final word: if you want a blood-drenched classic, seek this out. The choreography isn’t Venoms-quality, but it’s better than the wrestling antics of the Water Margin. David Chiang comes off better in this one than the previous movie, and the tattoo-covered Chen Kuan-Tai is the highlight of the film. It’s like this: the Water Margin seemed like the work of some unknown director who was unsure of his footing. All Men Are Brothers is a Chang Cheh classic through and through. It’s only let down by the occasional misstep (the awkward naval battle, the utterly annoying Black Whirlwind, the fact that Fang La’s men only seem capable of chasing our heroes for a few feet before giving up), but it will entertain for sure.

Joe909’s Rating: 8.5/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews, Shaw Brothers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Water Margin, The | aka 7 Blows of the Dragon (1972) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"The Water Margin" Chinese Theatrical Poster

“The Water Margin” Chinese Theatrical Poster

Director: Chang Cheh
Co-director: Wu Ma
Co-director: Pao Hsueh Lieh
Producer: Sir Run Run Shaw
Cast: David Chiang, Ti Lung, Lily Ho, Yueh Hua, Chin Feng, Guk Fung, Cheng Miu, Chen Kuan Tai, Danny Lee Sau-Yin, Tetsuro Tamba, Paul Chun Pui, Yuen Shun-Yi, Yuen Cheung Yan, Wong Chung, Wu Ma, Fan Mei Sheng, Yen Shi Kwan, Cecilia Wong Hang Sau
Running Time: 120 min.

By Joe909

These days when we think of old school kung fu movies, we think of Five Deadly Venoms and 36th Chamber of Shaolin. But the fact is, those movies were made at the tail end of the initial kung-fu boom which swept the West in the 1970s. But back in the early part of that decade, when movies like Enter the Dragon and Five Fingers of Death got things going with Western audiences, it was movies like The Water Margin, aka 7 Blows of the Dragon in the US, that drew them back into their grindhouse theaters for more martial arts cinema. So this is true old school, and in reality is nothing like the old school most of us know and love.

Based on a monstrously-long Chinese classic detailing the activities of 108 Outlaws who defended their Emperor against armies of rebels, The Water Margin wisely limits itself to just a few chapters, but unwisely assaults us with too many characters. The opening scene piles character introduction on top of character introduction, with each appearing alongside an on-screen credit. The scene itself is very impressive, and somehow reminds me of something Orson Welles might have pulled off. Luckily these multiple characters we meet in the opening disappear for the majority of the film, only to reappear in the end.

But this is one of the manifold problems with this movie. The opening scene, even though it confuses you with so many new faces and names, makes you believe you’re in store for an epic. Even the production values for this movie are on par with Hollywood epics of yore, with splendid outdoor sets of castles, a cast of thousands, and even a small armada. You see the money and effort that went into making this movie, and expect a Hong Kong Spartacus. Instead, what you get is a disjointed tale that squanders its promise.

As mentioned, there are 108 Outlaws banded together. The movie gets rolling with an evil general, Golden Spear, killing one of their leaders. The Outlaws find out about this, and fearing Golden Spear’s skill, decide that only one man, Lu Jun-Yi, can defeat him. So they go looking for this man who apparently is the only dude in all of friggin China who can kill Golden Spear, and along the way they meet Lu’s cocky disciple, Young Dragon Yen Ching (David Chiang). It would have been nice if the movie had then skimmed over the events in the book and instead gotten straight to the gist, the epicness of the story, but instead we must look on as things spiral into blandsville.

This is pretty much what happens, over and over in The Water Margin: someone will seek out Lu Jun-Yi. Either that person or Lu, or both, will then get captured, and then someone ELSE will come to rescue THEM. Over and over: wash, rinse, and repeat. This goes on for a good hour. I’d say it’s a comedy of errors, but judging from the production values and the music cues, it’s obvious Chang Cheh et al are aiming for something grand. But watching guys endlessly being jailed and freed isn’t grand, it’s boring. Well, initially it’s boring. Soon enough it becomes frustrating.

What makes it even worse is that the filmmakers stuck with the martial arts combat as described in the source material, and instead of cool kung-fu we get wrestling matches. David Chiang, for whatever reason Chang Cheh’s early favorite, is a master wrestler, tossing huge guys over his wiry and unimpressive frame. He does get a cool “chooka-chooka” music cue every time he does something, though. Occasionally there is a sword fight, or the burly Black Whirlwind will hack someone with his twin axes, but the violence is minimal, especially when compared with similar films of the era.

Finally Lu Jun-Yi is freed, joins the rebels, and everyone gets together for a battle against Golden Spear. But this final fight is anti-climactic. Golden Spear selects a mere five fighters to take on five of the 108 Outlaws (one of whom is sexpot Lily Ho, aka the Lady Professional), and during the round-robin melee Golden Spear himself takes on Lu Jun-Yi. The choreography here is better than any other part of the movie, however, and makes the viewer wish there had been more of it, and less jail time.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the sequel, All Men Are Brothers, is everything The Water Margin should have been. There are reviewers who will claim that The Water Margin is the superior film, and All Men is just a typically-bloody sequel, but I disagree. I’d even suggest if you’re thinking you have to watch Water Margin before All Men, then forget it. Just go straight to the sequel, as you won’t miss a thing. It’s not like we get to really know any of the characters in the Water Margin; most are just introduced for a handful of seconds. And speaking of introductions, this movie is crazy about them: even a damn clerk gets an on-screen credit, and he’s only in the movie for like two seconds!

On a side note, I’d say if there was a “Most Misleading Poster Award” out there, the US release of this movie would surely win it. The US poster for 7 Blows of the Dragon has male and female kung-fu warriors baring their teeth in martial rage, with all manner of bizarre weaponry in hand. There isn’t a THING like that in the movie. It seems obvious the distributors realized they had a mostly-boring flick on their hands, and tried all they could to make it appealing to the gullible masses.

I really shouldn’t be too hard on this movie, though. After all, how many other kung-fu flicks can you name with a soundtrack featuring the prog rock of Uriah Heep?

Joe909’s Rating: 7/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews, Shaw Brothers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

12 Nights (2000) Review

Posted on January 13, 2011 by JJ Bona
"12 Nights" Chinese DVD Cover

“12 Nights” Chinese DVD Cover

Director: Aubrey Lam
Cast: Cecilia Cheung, Eason Chan Yick-shunn, Candy Lo, Nicola Cheung Sam-Yuet, Sue Au Suk-Jing, GC Goo Bi, Siu Ye Jim, Nicholas Tse, Stephen Fung
Running Time: 90 min.

By Woody

When I first heard about Aubrey Lam’s “12 Nights”, it was being mentioned as being a must-see for those of us who have been dumped, right up there with “Swingers” and “Chungking Express”. On November 3rd, 2002, at 5:32PM, I was dumped. No need to get too much into why I was dumped. But I can tell you this much: it really sucks being in a relationship and then all of the sudden being out of one. It’s as if the rug has been pulled out from under you and you are stuck frozen at the exact moment in which you are about to hit the floor. You feel bad, like “Shit, I’m about to hit the floor.” You have money, but no one to spend it on. You have your movies, and CD’s, and meaningless materialistic goods, which have been collecting on the shelf, but they no longer matter. You have friends, but it’s been months since you’ve talked to them, and the prospect of going back to them is like admitting defeat. And overall, you just feel shitty. Movies you watch just aren’t the same without her. Food you eat tastes like shit when she’s away. Everything is bland and flavorless; if life were a food it would be tofu. Only four things have been helping me through these shitty times. My friends, who, despite my protests, are doing their best to get me back on my feet. “Chungking Express”, which I understand now better than I ever have. “Swingers”, which allows me to laugh at what a loser I am. And finally, “12 Nights”, which is basically my relationship with that girl on film, only with better looking people and a higher budget.

Cecilia Cheung is Jeannie, your typical female. Eason Chan is Alan, your typical male. “12 Nights” takes us through 12 nights of their relationship, from the first night, when the two meet, to the last, when they split. If only I had seen this movie before I had gotten into a relationship. Then I would have known how a trivial argument can lead to a girl accusing you of “growing tired of her.” I would have known how much it hurts a girl to tell her you are busy, or that you don’t like what she is wearing. Overall, I wish I had not taken her for granted. I know I’m not alone in our relationship failing, but I was an active participant. “12 Nights” is quite brilliant, and quite painful to watch at times. Jeannie loves Alan, but can’t accept that, following that brief period at the beginning the relationship where everything is wonderful, Alan has to put her lower on his list of priorities. Alan loves Jeannie, but feels smothered and embarrassed by her. He wants to hang out with buddies from work. He needs his time at work, and his sleep. He needs space.

The film feels fresh in the beginning, as does the relationship. But as it progresses, things get more boring and stale, as does the relationship. It gets talkier, with Jeannie saying the same things over and over again, trying to get Alan to understand her, and where she’s coming from. Aubrey Lam uses these techniques to show just how boring and painful times are when you are in a failing relationship. This technique also leads to one of the best scenes of the movie, where Jeannie delivers a never ending monologue to Alan. Just as we, the audience, start feeling bored, it cuts back to Alan, asleep.

If you haven’t been in a relationship, or plan to ever be in another one, this is required viewing. This movie shows you just how they go wrong. Now that I’m starting to get into another relationship, I’m going to try and apply the knowledge that I have gained from this film into the relationship. I pray it works. I’m running out of shirts to iron!

Woody’s Rating: 9/10

By Alexander

The worst thing about this excruciatingly dull film is the horrid performance by newcomer Eason Chan (Triad Zone). Had he been exceptionally handsome, I might have excused his minimal talent as the by-product of a film industry renowned for casting models and pop stars in major roles (see also Ekin Cheng, Faye Wong, Sammi Cheng, Stephen Fung, Andy Lau, Edison Chen, at al.). However, Eason is NOT a good looking guy so for him to appear convincing as the sole object of gorgeous Cecilia Cheung’s affections, the dude better be able to A-C-T and appear to have at least one redeeming quality. Sadly, Eason bumbles about, a step slow at times and obviously overwhelmed at the prospect of sharing major screen time with one of Hong Kong’s most desirable female stars. When Jeannie (Cecilia Cheung) hits Eason’s Alan Hing over the head with a MAGAZINE, he reacts as if he’s been shot at close range with a bazooka. He doesn’t react this way to elicit laughs from the audience; rather, he reacts this way because he’s unable to feign surprise at being hit in the head with a magazine. Also, early in the film, his actions seem prompted more by a producer whispering his lines to him from off camera (“Roll your eyes NOW, Eason!”) than to anything going on in the film.

The second problem with 12 Nights is the complete dearth of sympathetic characters. As appealing as Cecilia is, it’s impossible to root for or care about her character because she is so willing to put up with what amounts to sustained emotional abuse by her dimwitted, neglectful boyfriend. 12 Nights is essentially about Alan treating Jeannie like shit for most of the film, and Jeannie taking it all in stride as if this Alan dude were the only eligible bachelor in Hong Kong. Compounding my disdain for the film was Jeannie’s inexplicable willingness to sleep with Alan late in the film despite his palpable vileness. I longed for the film to shift gears, for Cecilia’s character to drop this loser and get with either the flamboyant Nic Tse or the brooding Stephen Fung (both of whom make brief cameos).

Another of the film’s flaws was an attempt to organize the story into twelve “chapters”, with each chapter representing an evening in the lives of Alan and Jeannie. Days one to eight chronicle the budding romance of our leads but writer/director Aubrey Lam, obviously realizing 3/4 of the way through her film that she couldn’t possibly tell these character’s stories in twelve days, shamelessly cheats and fastforwards months into the future. A minor grievance, sure, but irritating nonetheless.

Alexander’s Rating: 5.5/10

Posted in Chinese, Reviews | Tagged , , , , , |
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