“The Lost Kung Fu Secrets” DVD Cover
Director: Joe Law
Cast: David Chiang Da-Wei, Hsu Feng, Choi Wang, Hu Chin, Wong Hap, Paul Chun Pui, Sun Jung Chi, Weng Hsiao Hu, Yuen Sam, Chiang Han, Wang Man Chuen
Running Time: 91 min.
By Numskull
The Lost Kung Fu Secrets (abbreviated hereafter as “Lost”) is not just an exercise in pointlessness, it’s a full-blown workout. I’m talking three consecutive Richard Simmons videos, here. The…ah, “plot” begins as a feeble swipe at Christian expansionism and quickly degenerates (even MORE, I mean) into an hour-long string of some of the thinnest excuses to have fight scenes ever committed to film. This wouldn’t be so bad if the fights were enjoyable, but they’re not. The choreography is very stiff and “clockworkish”, failing to convey any sense of urgency or spontaneity. The kung fu in Lost, secret or not, should STAY lost.
We’ve got this aspiring dictator who is “using Christianity as an excuse” to have his followers seize territory by force. How this works, exactly, is a mystery; all we see is him sitting in his aspiring dictator’s chair in front of a big banner with a red cross on it (and no, he won’t give you six dollars and a bag of cookies if you donate blood). He’s at war with a more honorable general and has a spy integrated into his forces. Our Hero knows who the spy is…a high-ranking officer…but the boss won’t believe him. In fact, he trusts this officer so much that he goes to stay at his personal camp and takes his wife and daughter with him. Broad daylight becomes nightfall in the time it takes someone to step in and out of a tent, and the two-faced fuck springs his trap. The duped general’s wife grabs a sword and kills herself for no apparent reason, and Our Hero must help the others escape. Much of the fighting here takes place outdoors in the dark, but judging by the rest of the choreography in Lost, we’re not missing much.
After that, the good guys wander the countryside and get into fights until they reach the top of the bad guy mountain and then fight some more while the same piece of music repeats about 20 times. One of Lost’s truly shining moments takes place between a battle with some women who fight with baskets and ribbons and another battle with a few guys who use brightly-colored flags as their weapon of choice. As Our Hero and “the Princess” (the general’s daughter, actually; how that amounts to being royalty, I don’t know) walk through a canyon, a whole bunch of villains roll a whole bunch of boulders…each about half the size of a grown adult…down on our defenseless protagonists. These things look even more fake than the fight scenes. Note to director: real boulders do not bounce ten feet in the air when they hit the ground.
A fairly good climactic duel, in which Our Hero’s opponent wears a suit of armor with spikes in the arms, is not enough to save this movie. If a boring kung fu film that will make you wish you could have your hour and a half back is what you seek, I urge you to get Lost.
Numskull’s Rating: 3/10
