Telling your partner about your kink (or kinks) can be a daunting experience, to put it lightly. Maybe you’ve started to develop a new fetish that you want to explore, or you have a longstanding fantasy that you’ve never felt comfortable asking someone to explore with you. Either way, having that first conversation about it can be terrifying.
Even in the most open relationships, it’s normal to be a little shy about certain quirks we have. However, kinks are often deep-rooted in our sexual needs, and not taking the time to discuss them can leave us feeling dissatisfied in the long-term.
If you find yourself struggling to breach the topic with your significant other, try these tips to help break the ice. You never know; you might find out that you have even more in common than you thought!
1. Explain to Them That You’re Sharing From a Place of Trust
A common strategy that people might use to crack jokes about a fetish, either to ease tension or to gauge their partner’s reaction. While the idea of using humor as a disarming tactic is understandable, it might not be the best move.
For one, this is a conversation that rewards an upfront and honest approach. Leading with jokes obfuscates your intentions, which isn’t productive. Plus if they end up having the same fetish or even would just be open to it, you’re unknowingly shaming them and putting them on the defensive.
Instead, just be honest and upfront about the conversation, and explain to them you are having this conversation because they make you feel comfortable and safe enough to share it with them.
2. If You Are Nervous About Being Judged, Let Them Know
Having anxiety or fear about the conversation is normal, and it is important to communicate that if that’s what you’re experiencing. After all, why even have this chat if you’re doing it from the position of a tough guy who doesn’t care about their opinion?
This is a much better disarming tactic than using humor. As opposed to encouraging them to take the matter lightly and crack jokes about it, a considerate partner will understand the vulnerability that you’re feeling and make an attempt to be more open and understanding. Hopefully, they’ll likewise understand that hasty judgments will only hurt your feelings and not accomplish anything.
3. Use Context to Help Break the Ice
If you’ve had a particular fantasy for a long time, explaining your relationship to it can help them to understand your position. This way, even if they have a negative view of what you’re proposing they’ll be less likely to lump you in with their negative impression of people with the kink.
If it’s a new fetish without much grounding in your personal experience, media and pop culture can be a helpful means of contextualizing what you’re talking about. There have been plenty of movies exploring a variety of kinks, odds are good that you’ll be able to find at least one to validate your fantasy.
Just do yourself a favor and view that material first before using it as an example. You don’t want to pop in something like Salò if you’re just into a little light bondage and power play!
4. Discuss Ways to Gradually Introduce New Elements to Your Sex Lives
If your partner expresses an open mind, the conversation will eventually turn to how, or even if you want to integrate a new fetish into your sex lives.
Some fetishes are easier to get into than others. Starter bondage kits, for example, are easy enough to find at any sex store. However, some may be impractical or undesirable to ever actually try to act out.
This is the conversation that you need to have.
For example, group sex is a very common fantasy. But realistically, many couples just can’t handle seeing their partner being intimate with another person, even if they’re also involved. A solution to this could be integrating multi-partner porn into your foreplay, or even using sex dolls to help simulate the experience.
Some suggestions your partner might shoot down outright but would be open to a simulated version of the experience. Someone who wants to try watersports-related play, but whose partner was dead against it, might buy the Whizzinator for use in simulated scenes as a compromise.
7. No Matter Their Reaction, Emphasize That This Won’t Change Your Relationship
Right out of the gate, try to avoid treating your kink or fetish like a secret that you’ve been keeping from them. No matter your intention, no one likes feeling like someone that they trust has been hiding something from them.
If you’re into spanking, choking, or something harder than that, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. And it doesn’t mean that you’re not interested in them if they don’t reciprocate your interest.
And that’s what’s most important to understand. You have a right, to be honest about your desires without judgment, but that’s it. Your partner isn’t obligated to act out a fantasy that they’re uninterested in or dead against.
It’s also not unusual for partners to be worried that you’ve grown bored with your sex life and that they need to do this to retain your interest. The onus is on you to explain to them that this is not the case.
Finally, thank them for having this conversation. Let them know that you’re sharing it because it’s a part of your identity that you don’t show just anyone and that you’re thankful that you could be open with them.
Integrating a New Fetish Can Revitalize Your Sex Life
This can be a tough conversation to have.
You have to be prepared for the possibility that your partner may not reciprocate your desire to experiment with a new fetish. At the same time, you have the right to be honest about your desires without fear of judgment or humiliation.
But so long as clear and respectful, the conversation can be a benefit to your relationship. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable in this very personal way, you provide an opportunity for you and partner to grow closer.
And more often than not, the conversation will get your partner to open up, too. They might even turn you on to something new in turn!
Looking for another way to add some excitement to a night in? Check out the latest news and reviews from City on Fire for all the latest cinema to get your blood pumping.
