"Interpol Connection" Theatrical Poster
AKA: Hard To Kill
Director: Philip Ko
Writer: Cindy Chow
Producer: Philip Ko
Cast: Robin Shou, Yukari Oshima (aka Cynthia Luster), King Kong, Simon Kim, Philip Ko, Iwanabeo Leung, Romulo Grabiel, Jose Babida, Jess Babida, Simon Yam
Running Time: 87 min.
By Numskull
Co Chi Pang (Robin Shou) is a Hong Kong narcotics officer assigned to bring an international heroin dealer named Lo Tak to justice. He is assisted by a bumbling Filipino policeman and a fierce Japanese agent. Yay. Despite the poster featuring Simon Yam’s face, his role is only a short cameo. As a special added bonus, here is a RECIPE FOR A BORING ACTION MOVIE…
Ingredients:
– 1 hero (generic)
– 1 sidekick (buffoonish)
– 100 lbs. (approx.) eye candy
– bad guys (assorted)
– 2 dead cop partners
– 1 fake human hand
– 1 brassiere (black)
– 1 drug kingpin
– 1 trite plot device
– 1 big villain house w/Christmas tree
– 90 mins. (approx.) incompetent English dubbing
– 1/2 doz. (approx.) unfunny “jokes” (ex.: “She’s got hard tits! Jesus!”)
– 1 coconut
– 1 doz. (approx.) mistimed sound effects
Directions:
1. Generate 350 degrees homoerotic heat by showing sweaty Robin Shou pumping iron during credit sequence.
2. Credit Yukari Oshima as “Cynthia Luster” for no apparent reason. Introduce bad guys with appropriate music and sunglasses to inform audience that they are evil.
3. Set action in exotic location (ex. Manila) to create illusion that movie is somehow special.
4. Arrange meeting of hero and buffoonish sidekick; the latter should be modeled after Joe Pesci’s character from the Lethal Weapon movies and believe Lincoln is still U.S. president.
5. Have buffoonish sidekick guess what Lincoln’s “specialty” (medicine, computers, etc.) is at regular intervals throughout film (about three at first, then another every 15 minutes or so).
6. Kill hero’s partner in flashback (ex. fall from great height), then buffoonish sidekick’s partner in present (ex. shootout).
7. Let simmer until all momentum is gone; pass time with interrogation scene (ex. hero bends back little finger of fake human hand; audience must be able to tell hand is fake with minimum effort) and lifeless comic relief (ex. buffoonish sidekick wets self; buffoonish sidekick uses brassiere as shoulder holster; assassin poses as nurse with half-coconut shells for breasts; etc.).
8. Introduce trite plot device (ex. key) for everything else to revolve around for remainder of film.
9. Have villains choke hero with wire, thus incapacitating his powers of speech, while demanding that he verbally disclose location of trite plot device.
Introduce eye candy too late for viewers to give a damn. Stage short, unremarkable fight scene.
10. Coast effortlessly for 15-20 minutes or until bored shitless. Stage climactic battle at big villain house.
11. Have hero finally kill drug kingpin for both revenge and duty purposes.
12. Conclude with more lifeless comic relief.
13. Garnish with advertisements for other action movies with laughable “badass” voice placed before feature presentation.
14. Serve.
15. Dodge when guests throw at you.
16. Place in waste receptacle.
17. Watch good action movie instead.
Numskull’s Rating: 3/10
