“A*P*E” Korean Theatrical Poster
Director: Paul Leder
Cast: Joanna Kerns, Rod Arrants, Alex Nicol, Lee Nak-hun, Yeon-jeong Woo, Jerry Harke, Larry Chandler, Walt Myers, J.J. Gould, Kwon Il-soo, Chiu Chun
Running Time: 87 min.
By Paul Bramhall
When people think about Asian takes on King Kong, chances are the most likely answer they’re going to give you will be the 1977 Shaw Brothers flick The Mighty Peking Man, which came a year after Hollywood’s poorly received 1976 remake starring Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange. Ask people to name a famous Korean monster movie, and most would likely reply with Bong Joon-ho’s 2006 classic The Host (and if anyone says D-War, I suggest you cut all associations with them immediately). What’s the point of these questions (and this review for that matter)? Well, it’s to bring your attention to the long forgotten U.S.-Korea 1976 co-production A*P*E, a 3D extravaganza that puts Avatar to shame, and features a 36 foot tall ape rampaging through the streets of Seoul.
With such an enticing premise, you may ask how such a production could become relegated to the deepest depths of celluloid wasteland, the answer to which becomes almost immediately apparent. On a positive note though, the good news is that in the almost 45 years since its release, A*P*E has matured into one of the finest examples of so bad its good cinema that you’ll ever have the joy of experiencing. Sure, movies like Samurai Cop and The Miami Connection may have matured to their cult status in half the time, but the fact is there’s no time limit on entertainment value.
A*P*E (Attacking Primate monstEr, for those wondering) is directed by Paul Leder, a name which I’m sure was synonymous with any given title in those $1 DVD racks you’d find in discount stores back in the 00’s (remember those?). If it doesn’t exist already, a distributor needs to get onto securing the rights for a Frame Up and Frame Up 2: The Cover-Up double feature. Here he steps into the director’s chair for the third time, and also takes on a small acting role as he would in many of his productions. Quite how he came to helm one of the first co-productions between the U.S. and Korea is anyone’s guess, and frankly I value my time more than to spend too much of it Googling to try and give a definitive answer, however I’m glad he did, because A*P*E is an absolute hoot.
The intentions are clear pretty much from the get go. Under the cover of night a pair of sailors are navigating a ship containing the 36 foot ape to Disneyland (yes you read that correctly). Through dialogue the pair exchange in an almost comatose manner (seriously, I think they were both high), we learn that the ape was recently captured in Harlem of all places, and is going to be put on display for the public in various cities. That is until the ape breaks free of its shackles, causing one of the sailors to react with an “oh, shit”, spoken through what I assume was a morphine induced haze. The shot then cuts to a plastic boat floating in a bathtub against a black sheet, which then explodes.
Cue a man adorned in possibly the worst ape suit ever committed to film (the nipples rivals George Clooney’s in Batman and Robin), emerging out of the water with a ripped seam to expose a white t-shirt underneath, who proceeds to then wrestle with an equally (I guess we’re supposed to believe) gigantic white shark in a fight to the death. What the chances are of a 36 foot ape encountering an equally large shark at the same time I don’t know, however it’s an amusing confrontation, and is quite blatantly a long dead baby shark (still readily available from your nearest local fish market in Korea). Only a few steps later, and somehow the ape has strolled through the Pacific Ocean from his Harlem – Disneyland transfer, to stomp onto the shores of South Korea. Welcome to the first 5 minutes of A*P*E.
Once in Korea we’re introduced to a newly arrived American actress, played by Joanna Kerns (most famous for her role as the Mom from TV’s Growing Pains), who’s there to shoot a movie on her “first visit to the Orient.” She’s surprised to be joined by her on-off journalist boyfriend, played by TV actor Rod Arrants, who wants nothing more than to profess his true love for Kerns. At its most awkward, Arrants joins a scene being shot for the movie Kerns is starring in, which involves her being raped by her co-star. When the co-star gets a little too rough, Arrants whisks her away for a smooch, before returning to set upon which time the director calmly tells her co-star, “Now remember Greg, rape her gently.” I felt terrible for laughing.
These scenes are undeniably padding towards the barely 85 minute runtime, however their inclusion only adds to the hilarity of everything rather than feeling like filler. Let’s talk about the ape. It’s horrendous. The suit itself is awful, full of scraggy tufts of hair that look like 100 people have worn it before its big screen appearance, and comprised of a separate head piece of which no attempt has been made to disguise. Whoever is in the suit (the part is uncredited) has clearly been given no direction as to how an ape should act, so he awkwardly steps onto model houses to crush them, probably worried about getting a splinter, and his hunched over walk looks like someone who’s had one too many rather than a primate. We’re talking Shaolin Invincibles and Bruce Lee the Invincible level guy in an ape suit acting here, only it’s not just for one scene, but a whole movie.
Speaking of kung fu movies, apart from alerting me to the fact that ones with the word ‘invincible’ in the title have a high chance of featuring a guy in an ape suit, A*P*E also features a scene where the moth ball ridden clutz stumbles upon a kung fu movie being filmed! For fans of old-school Korean kung fu movies (slowly raises hand), there’s a certain joy in seeing familiar faces like Kwon Il-soo (The Postman Strikes Back) and Chiu Chun (The Deadly Kick) stopping their fight scene in the middle of filming, and turning their weapons towards a gigantic ape. Not something I ever expected to see in my lifetime, I have to admit. Most likely inspired from the previous year’s Hong Kong and Australia co-production The Man from Hong Kong, we even get a giant ape versus a hang glider scene, featuring some of the most jaw dropping(ly bad) miniature work you’ve ever seen.
Surprisingly, director Leder seems to have realised he had a clanger on his hands at some point during filming. I’m not sure when that would have been, but I like to think it was when the ape encounters a snake in a tree. Again, the logic of physics means we have to assume the 36 foot ape has just stumbled across a 36 foot snake that none of the Korean population have noticed previously, but the narrative isn’t concerned with such matters as coherency. In one of my favorite moments, the ape then grabs the snake from the tree, very much alive, and throws it towards the camera positioned underneath. Except, the snake actually hits the camera, knocking the shot out of focus. Hilarious. Any aim at seriousness slowly dissipates as the narrative continues, until eventually we’re left with scenes of the ape perving wide eyed into the window of a hotel, as an American gentlemen and a Korean prostitute attempt to get it on.
Speaking of Korea, the 2 main Korean roles of a general and his wife are played by Lee Nak-hun (Kim Soo-young’s classic Mist) and Woo Yeon-jeong (John Woo’s The Dragon Tamers) respectively, who do an admirable job of speaking English, and not looking embarrassed. The rest of the Korean extras, who are mostly called upon to run towards the camera at various points, range from looking suitably terrified, to as if they’re having the time of their lives. I’m guessing Leder never imagined that his movie could one day be scrutinised on the Blu-ray format, but hey, for anyone that’s ever watched the extras in the background of a Shaw Brothers movie fight scene, there’s nothing unforgivable on display.
With an ape that at one point breaks the fourth wall and gives the middle finger directly to camera, rocks made of Styrofoam that disintegrate as they fall down a cliff, and awesomely era-appropriate lines such as “This is Korea not Scotland, the Loch Ness Monster couldn’t make it over the Berlin Wall!”, A*P*E’ is gold. Best enjoyed with a few cold beverages and friends (unless you’re me, in which case, alone), just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Paul Bramhall’s Rating: 8/10
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