During a recent visit to the 2005 Las Vegas Adult Entertainment Expo, COF reviewer, Vic Nguyen, was given the opportunity to exchange a few words with the one and only John Woo. (03/05)
 

VIC NGUYEN: Well, John, it's great to finally meet you. Thank you for granting this interview.

JOHN WOO: Yeah, whatever pal... look, you got fifteen minutes before my aroma-therapy class... let's get to it, huh.

NGUYEN: Okay Mr. Woo, fair enough. I wanna focus this interview on your career since leaving Hong Kong in 1992. Your first American film was way back in '93 on Hard Target. What was it like working with Van Damme?

WOO: Jean Claude Van Damme... this guy has to be hands down, the most talented martial artist I've ever seen. And what a body. I tellin' ya right now, you could bounce a quarter off his ass, and I know this because I actually tried it just for fun between takes on the set of Hard Target.

NGUYEN: So, I guess the title had some sort of hidden meaning for you.

WOO: It's not hidden at all. I named the movie after the erections I would get whenever VD would walk on-set. By the way, that a joke, son. I keep pitchin' em and you keep missin' em.

NGUYEN: Yeah, sure John. Anyway....how has success in Hollywood changed you?

WOO:Well, let's be honest. I think the question ought to be "How Has John Woo changed Hollywood." My movies are responsible for the influx of Hong Kong style action you see in everything from Charlie's Angels (1 AND 2) to Kung Pow. Speaking of which, I thought Kung Pow was FREAKIN' hilarious... even funnier than Jackie Chan's ridiculous accent.

NGUYEN: It's funny that you mention Jackie... don't you think he should take a little credit for that, as well as talents like Jet Li, Sammo Hung, John Saxon, Don the Dragon Wilson, Bolo Yueng, Joe Don Baker....

WOO: Well... haha... really, I think if you watch, and I mean really watch, every movie out of Hollywood... every action movie especially, I think you could trace at least some or all of their style back to one of my films. 

NGUYEN: Well, you mean like the Matrix movies?

WOO: Hmmmm... no, I don't see the connection.

NGUYEN: You don't? What about the slow motion gunfights?

WOO: No, I think that had more to do with Robert Clouse.

NGUYEN: Really? The director of Enter the Dragon? Wow, guess I'll have to watch his movies again. I could've sworn that dumb cracker had all the talent of a deflated scrotum.

WOO: Watch Battle Creek Brawl, then watch the Matrix. It's the same damn movie. Take a film class, man, you'll learn somethin'.

NGUYEN: Do you plan to re-team up with Chow Yun Fat in the near future?

WOO: Chow... Uh....I'm sorry, I'm not familiar....

NGUYEN: Chow Yun Fat.

WOO: Sexcuse me? Come again?

NGUYEN: Chow..... Yun...... Faaaaaat.

WOO: Hey man, you think it's funny talkin' about my mom like that?

NGUYEN: What the hell? The guy in all your freakin' Hong Kong flicks...

WOO: Chow... OH.... Chow Yun FAT.... I thought you said Ringo Lam and Cory Yuen had a golden shower with my mom in a peepshow booth.

NGUYEN: Jee-zus...

WOO: What?

NGUYEN: Look, Next question. An easy one. What are some of your favorite Hollywood movies?

WOO: Well, besides the aforementioned Kung Pow... ha...I still chuckle when I think about that guy fighting that cow. Classic shit! Well, here's a few of my recent favorites... 2 Fast 2 Furious (never thought they could IMPROVE on perfection), Dodgeball.. (Ben Stiller...One of the finest actors I've ever seen. I'd love to direct him and his washboard abs in an action film). I recently rented a little underappreciated gem called Most Valuable Primate 2 (chimps and basketball... need I say more? I didn't think so).

NGUYEN: What do you think about your Asian counterparts succeeding in Hollywood? (Jet Li, ZZ, Jackie Chan, etc.).

WOO: I think you're asking me to compare saut...ed flank steak (which would represent my talent) and beef jerky (which of course would be the most of the rest of them).

Actually I'm half kidding. I think it's great if they succeed, but just because someone succeeds in show business doesn't mean he's a true talent. Look at Chevy Chase.

NGUYEN: True.

WOO: Yeah, he was a turd, he wasn't funny, but somehow the jackasses couldn't get enough of a guy falling of a chair. Same thing with Jackie Chan... How many times can you watch him beat up a guy with a mop and a stack of Bazooke Joe comics before you puke into your shorts. 

NGUYEN: Tell us about the projects you're currently working on. We've heard some crazy rumors floating around.... 

WOO: I'm currently attached to somewhere in the neighborhood of 37 film projects, and I've recently accuired the rights to several "high profile" characters. See, I'm what's referred to as a Hollywood "player". My "modus opporendi" was that if I could get the rights to a bunch of well known and popular characters, that when and if I actually decide to produce or direct a film about them, they'll still make money whether they're good or not.

This is the kind of freedom fabulous success and wealth has afforded me. As Mel Brooks said "It's good to be da king".

NGUYEN: 'mmm..... 'kay. 

WOO: Now, one of my favorite projects I'm working on is a "re-imagining" of "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".

NGUYEN: Yeah, that's what we heard. We were hoping that was just "Ain't it Cool News" bullshit. I can't possibly see how that would be successful.

WOO: Well, you lack vision, my boy. 

NGUYEN: Didn't they already try that once?

WOO: Funny you should mention that... I got the concept back in 1994 when I saw a bootleg VHS of the Dolph Lundgren version and I thought: "WOW, this movie's got it all! Dolph Lundgren, a scary skull head guy, a midget, Man-at-Arms, swordfights, magic spells, AND inter-dimensional travel...this had got to be the most fiercely original movie of it's time.... if ONLY it had actor the caliber and the pedigree of Nicolas Cage or John Travolta to lend a bit professional weight to my own personal take on the "Saga of He Man". Incidentally, N.C. had told me personally that he'd cancel all of his projects and breach any contract for the opportunity to play Skeletor. That's commitment, my saucy friend.

NGUYEN: John... Please... this is baaaad juju, and I think you need to rethink this, man. He-Man was just a crap toyline that was created from castoff designs from a Conan the Barbarian toy series that was scrapped. This is not a quality concept.

WOO: No... my research indicates He-Man is actually based on a historical Barbarian named Gorgoth who was the homosexual lover of Atilla the Hun.

NGUYEN: Mr. Woo, were getting a bit far afield with this... you said you were also attached to some other projects?

WOO: Yes... In addition to He-Man, we've also accuired some other fantastic movie liscences. We've optioned Nintendo for Metroid, but that's up in the air.

NGUYEN: Well, it's a better idea than He-Man. In fact, I'd actually watch that, unlike crap like your own movie Windtalkers, which I wouldn't watch if you tied me to a chair Clockwork Orange style with my eyes pried open. In that event, I would actually will my eyeballs to eject from their sockets.

WOO: Like I said... it's not final yet. But here's some of other movie projects I'm personally involved in that are in various stages of production... this is my "picks of the litter":

GI Joe: We're considering making this with stop motion animation using real 80's GI Joe action figures. Were doing test shots to see if this method is at all viable. If not, we'll just CG the shit out of it.

Laser Tag: Still in the script stage, but I did have some concept art that would blow your freakin' mind! Imagine my trademark gunfight scenes, only with Lazer Tag! 

Johnny Quest: A possible computer animated feature. We'd like to have that Indian kid from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle do the voice of Johnny's little ethnic friend "Haji"

Bazooka Joe: Johnny Depp is shown interest

The Get Along Gang: What's left of the Jim Henson studio is currently designing test costumes for the main characters. Think "H.R. Puffinstuff" on acid... that's what I'm going for. 

Pitfall: We were thinking of doing this as a spoof of the Indiana Jones movies along the lines of the "Scary Movie" series). If I had my pick of actors to play Pitfall Harry... I'd go with Brendan Frasier.

She-Ra: Depending on how well the He Man thing goes, She Ra is slated to be a spinoff much like the recent and fantastic "Electra" was a spinoff of Daredevil.

NGUYEN: Well, John, there's not much else to say but, un... be seein' ya on Jerry's Telethon real soon. You had a swell career in Hong Kong... made a few classics, helped make HK cinema the driving force it was. You were a legend among film geeks. Now, you've hit a downward spiral in talent and credibility that can only come from a complete psychological breakdown on your part. If you are indeed making a He-Man Movie, I hope the Laughing Academy brings their padded van and those nice men in the white coats fit you for a jacket that folds snugly 'round the back. 

At least we'll always have our worn our VHS copies of The Killer so we can look back to a bygone era when the mere mention of John Woo's name struck fear in to the hearts of men and filled women's bosoms with insatiable passion. Now, instead of thinking of stylized gun battles and Chow Yun Fat sobbing like a blubbery little girl and the weird looking noodle sticking out of his mouth in "A Better Tomorrow", we think of that scene in Face/Off where there was a shootout scene to the tune of "When You Wish Upon A Star", which to date has been blamed for at least 6 spontaneous suicides by self-strangulation.

WOO: Oh, by the way, I love the artwork on the front page your website.

NGUYEN: Yeah, isn't it great?

WOO: And how! 

NGUYEN: Bug off, John.

WOO: Yes sir.